The toe is in - on eharmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
The toe is in - on eharmony
12
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 11:24am

Okay girls, now that my 70 thread discussion let me vent all of my frustration plus get validation for the way MA's lack of empathy made me feel, I decided to make it a New Year's resolution to put a little more effort in my dating and set my standards a bit higher - meaning they have to be at my level and not just fun/fit. No more dating down and a more casual approach. I do feel that MA was a good test to see if I can be true to myself and also to show me how important communication can be. It shows I am not needy or in need of a vacuum cleaner or run down the aisle!! LOL!!!

I was at a sports bar for a college football game - talk about a good audience there, right? - and noticed that all of the single guys (without a ring) were either in their early 20s or late 50s. Only one was 40 and single - and he was a drinker and telling us all he was never married - I forgot how that came up in conversation - he knew some of my friends. One of my other friends was with a guy who could have put the fireman to shame with his drinking but they are both like that - so I guess you could say they are a good match. But that experience was an eye opener.

It made me realize that the dating pool has receded and that if I want to meet someone who is a quality match I have to work harder, especially since I have a home office.

So I worked on a list of things I can do in real life to get out more - I have alumni events (although those won't be as active until the fall because they revolve around the school football schedule and holidays), my sports stuff which I have been doing for 7 years, my friends and son's school/sports activities. IRL is good, but since I went 4 years without dating and MA is the only one I met IRL, maybe IRL is not good enough for my age group and area. Also, I made a list of my dates and what I learned - and I realized that IRL does not make a difference from OLD. I just have to be smarter with OLD - which I am - I have learned a lot.

And I decided to give eharmony a try - which I did a few years ago and got frustrated with because there were no matches and it is time consuming and expensive when compared to the others. Figured put out a lead now and see if something comes along in the next year. I am not in a rush and after hurricane MA I want to date slowly. I really want what Shrimps and QB have as I have said - someone to get out with once a week and develop a nice relationship over time. NO mad dash down the altar aisle or pressure. Just date.

And wow - there are a lot of good candidates on eharmony - I trashed 70 of them and kept 9. They have done a lot to improve their site and it has more people. They even claim to get 90 weddings a day now which speaks volumes for the numbers that must be on there to generate that. I feel that it is not such a meat market as the others. And I like their testing process and guided communication. Everyone on there seems sincere - and I feel that if they put that much effort into their initial questions to get on there (there are a LOT of questions - it takes an hour to get signed up) and write a profile plus go through such a detailed communication process - that has to be good.

I am writing to 3 good people:
- one single dad who is an architect
- one IT director who loves to travel in the SW
- a sales director who likes outdoorsy stuff

And that is it - just writing this and that. I will keep you posted.




Edited 1/6/2008 11:38 am ET by cl-west1745

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 11:39am

Good luck with eHarmony. I signed up with that service a couple of years ago but didn't have too much luck, not that you won't have any luck. The first three people you are writing to sound good. I think your area is probably more in tune with OLD than mine. Here I think it is a little (for lack of a better word) taboo. I try to remember Momma Gumps line "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." Which in a way adds a little excitement to the whole dating business be it online or offline.

I had someone email me from POF that he would like to chat. His profile was fairly decent I guess so I emailed him back and asked if he preferred to chat through POF's service or a different means. We'll see if he answers.

There are so many different services to choose from it's difficult to decide which one to choose. For me, I was noticing that the profiles on the "paid" services were on POF also. One that I really liked was Cupid. You have to pay to be able initiate emails and chat, but if a paying member initiates the chat with a non-paying member you can still chat with them.

Personallly, I think this time of the year is perfect to explore OLD for anyone as the winter season drives everyone in the house. This time of the year, you are LOOKING for things to do, other than house work, lol.

Do keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 12:36pm
Glad to hear you are testing the waters again. Best way to exorcise MA out of your system is with new prospects. A good friend of M's who lives in CA is trying eHarmony. He did Match a few months and one would think with the numbers that must be on that site in SoCal he'd have found some good prospects. Alas, no, he found most of the women he dated just didn't click. So for the same reasons you are trying eHarmony he is giving that a try. Personally, although he has done a ton of self-improvement workshops and counseling and AlAnon, I think it is still early for him to be dating as his divorce was finished this summer.
Hmm,if the guy who likes traveling the SW works out, maybe you'll be visiting in my part of the world. Didn't you used to live in Tucson?
QueenBun
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 1:33pm

Thanks, QB!! I feel that my latest escapades were more testing the waters and dumping what didn't work for me - am not mad/sad - just glad I can be true to myself and not put up with anything bad. I also think that these have boosted my self esteem and standards - so no baggage or worries of bad decisions.

I feel the eharmony process qualifies them for so many reasons - it is more money and effort and they do attempt to match on 29 different areas. Of course they state it is up to us to clarify chemistry, social status, interests, etc.

But these matches are pretty good on paper - a lot better than anything match has ever coughed up.

So, time will tell.

And look at you - already plotting a trip to Tucson for me!! You are so funny - and yes - I did live there for more than 6 years. Was both on the east and west side - truly loved it and was sad to leave. It was a job prospect that brought me back to Florida the first time and the marriage for the second time (I lived in Tampa for 3 years and then Scottsdale for 5 years - so back and forth).




Edited 1/6/2008 2:04 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 3:30pm
Actually, any one of your prospects sounds promising to me, architect? arty, educated,could be a good fit for you; nerdy, IT guy likes travel to a place you've enjoyed (warning, uber growth out here, you won't recognize anything), and outdoorsy sales guy- hmmm, M is a salesman (software) and has that salesman's outgoing very social personality. Outdoorsy is a good fit for you and if you are a more reserved person such as myself, being with someone who is very gregarious is a good contrast. M really broadens my social life.
I hope for all of the members of our little iV community to find what they are looking for. And if none of these first three is the right guy, we all know you'll just say "Next", and there will be a new crop of 3 to try out. At least you'll have fun in the process.
QueenBun
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-06-2008 - 8:14pm

Thank you QB!! Thank you thank you!! I will be sure to keep you posted so you can help me!! I like the idea of a gregarious person as I can be quiet like you.

I am not liking the architect so much now that we are typing. I am not sure why - I don't feel we have that much in common and he is kind of far and is saying he thinks we have a lot in common and where do I want to go for the first date - to me - that is pushy because we have not talked on the phone. I don't know - I am always so picky.

And the IT guy indicates that he travels all the time. I don't like that. Plus the only thing we seem to have in common is that he likes to visit the SW. I mean, I like that area too but I also like other places. He seems fussy that he doesn't like to be hot.

Picky has set in - that is how it usually goes - could be another 6 months before an actual date at the rate I am going. And that is okay.

I have not heard from the sales guy - the last day he wrote was Friday evening. Whatever that means.

Here is what the architect writes:
Yes my daughter and I travel well together, we went to DC this fall to see the colors, and it was a lot of fun. I went to yoga this morning and got stretched out and relaxed. I like to do various exercising but I don't stick to anything too limiting, I like to stay loose on commitments because you never know what's going to come up.

So did you run this morning? Seeing that we have so much in common and e harmony sees that we are a good match, what would you envision us doing when we get together sometime?

And here is what the IT guy writes:
Hey ,

Those are fantastic pictures!

Since we're sharing pix...here's a couple from my Glacier trip

I haven't had the opportunity to look around outside of Glacier and Kalispell yet. I plan to go back and explore more somewhere down the road -- maybe around Whitefish or Missoula.

Last summer I went to Banff and stayed in a rustic cabin at Storm Mountain. Well it lived up to its namesake. Thunder, wind, rain and roaring fireplace made it seem like a page torn from a scary novel.

Six summers in Phoenix? Wow! I've only been there once on business and still remember how hot it felt. (Of course it was June) I imagine the winters must be really nice there. I usually run on the treadmill in the summer. Even at 6am it's a bit tough for me to cool down before going into the office.

What kind of dogs do you have? Personality wise, I'm 'dog person' as some people might say. I don't have one right now since I'm out of town so often.




Edited 1/6/2008 9:01 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 12:09am

I'm not liking the architect's note either- doesn't like to commit in case something else comes up????


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 10:05am

Good point - I will qualify the type of travel.

The stats are 79 in the trash, 10 in the writing box with a couple of those having one foot on the banana peel and the other foot on the close button.

My sister's dog died this morning - so I feel like I am in a bit of a funk and that even though we all want a match - in the scheme of things it is just a small project that can go on for a long time. No rush.

I bought an extra bagel for my dogs this morning and hugged them and told them I was happy they are alive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 4:37pm

I just got off eharmony last month because I wasn't getting any local matches--they were mostly 4-6 hours if not states away and if I did get a local match it was a "flexible match" which just means there wasn't someone meeting all of my criteria so they expanded their net a bit (it usually ended up that they were a smoker so I nexted them right away!)

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 9:38am

I haven't had much luck on Eharmony, but have a couple of friends who met their spouses on there. One of my friends was in her 50's and is very happy. I about flipped when she got married 2 months after meeting! She is more practical than me, which says alot!

I am dating someone I met through myspace. He seems really nice and so far, so good. I have also noticed that so many women my age (44) have their profiles with pics of them in provocative poses. I laugh when I see the boob ones. GIMME A BREAK!! It isn't like we are in our 20's and I am who I am. Take it or leave it! LOL!

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 9:50am

I think eharmony is SLOW going. All matches are at a standstill. I was emailing two of them but then closed them. One lives too far away and works even farther away and travels all the time. The other one had things I don't like.

But that is okay - it just makes me feel like I have some sort of fishing line in the water. I am getting out too. Although right now I am busy with work so that is taking the focus.

Keep us posted on your MySpace guy - we need a nickname for him. And yes I know what you mean about the whole MySpace profile thing - some of those pix are ridiculous. I have not tried MySpace.

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