topic a little 'out there', need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
topic a little 'out there', need advice
10
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 3:00pm

This is a strange topic for this board, but since your'e all mothers I thought maybe you girls would have some ideas.


I am 43 yrs old, raising my 5 yr old granddaughter and have been legally for four years (i have legal guardianship) She is the daughter of my youngest daughter who is now 23 years old.


Short background: Youngest daughter, then 17, got pregnant by her abusive bf. I had them both move in with me and my (then) husband. Baby born. Neither 'parent' would clean or properly care for baby, I did. I laid it on-the-line one night with lazy, non-working bf, cops called, they both left taking the baby. During the next year I would take the baby for 3-4 days a week to my house and keep her. She, Aliza, was horribly neglected..and I do mean HORRIBLY. I tried teaching/talking to my daughter..nada. When they (daughter and her bf) broke up, I took them to court for guardianship and had witnesses to the neglect of the baby. I won guardianship with supervised visits to the bio father. No child support was ordered at that time.


Now it is four years later. The father, though court ordered, has not paid a dime of support, neither has my daughter. The father fled the area 9 months ago, so he hasnt even seen Aliza. Mom is in school for the second time and works p/t as a waitress. She did get married, finally, but only took Aliza on weekends, now they are divorcing after 7 months.


I have not worked outside of the home since having Aliza. When I left my husband 9 months ago (divorcing) I moved into a tiny 1 bedroom apt and shared a blow-up bed with my granddaughter. I had to go on state aid for food and daycare while looking for a job. A car accident, injuries, then an unrelated surgery has placed me back into the marital home, poor, broke, etc...


WHY do I have to give up my freedom, school, job choice because I have a kid to take care of? Easy answer, I took the responsibility on when I went to court 4 yrs ago and my granddaughter is like my own daughter. But sometimes it FEELS so unfair. Especially when I made the bad choice to drop out of school and have kids in my own teens...so whens it my time?


I just got into a text spat with my youngest daughter, well she did..lol.. she is with an old bf of hers that she almost married before she DID marry someone else. They want a baby...yeah right. I texted that maybe they should take Aliza for a while just to see how HARD it was..it wasnt easy offering Aliza up because I KNEW she wouldnt be cared for properly, but I thought that maybe it would give me the chance to get back on my feet....and that just MAYBE my daughter's maternal instincts would kick in..


NOPE, she took it the wrong way. Said she couldnt take care of Aliza, go to school and work. So why want a baby then? She then texted that she was tired of me treating her like a child.


Yup I got MAD. I didnt text her back..I came here instead. We have had this discussion in the past with her blowing up at me. Doesnt she see that being an adult means taking care of her own child? How about paying some support? I cannot go back to a brick and mortar school nor get a job that doesnt evolve around Alizas school hours...why can my daughter do it but not me?


BIG SIGH...any suggestions? I wanted to text her back, 'Fine, you want me to treat you like an adult? Then it is time you start paying some support to your daughter"...nothing mean of course..me and my daughter are close until I bring up her responsibilities..then it gets bad and she accuses ME of all people lol...


Feedback, ideas, anything?


Thanks~


~Lisa  =))

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 3:27pm

~OOOps, clarify..my 17 year old daughter was living with my husband and I on a farm...she had a bf, she got pregnant (though on birth control) and I had HIM move in when she was 8 months along because his mom threw him out of her house. My stbx got him a job, but the lazy bf didnt keep it but for a few months, he got fired for destroying work property shortly after my granddaughter was born..then wouldnt work.


~Lisa  =))

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 3:50pm

Wow. That is quite a story - for all involved. Your granddaughter is lucky that you rescued her.

I really and truly have no idea of what to tell you. My only reaction is keep doing what you are doing and hope your daughter comes around. I just can't imagine her giving up her child and being so selfish - I don't know of any mother who would do that - except that maybe something is wrong with her mentally that she just is not capable.

But - I did find you a good support board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psgrandraise

It is grandparents raising grandchildren - I bet they all could help you and lend you support on your hard journey.

I hope somehow that you will have your questions answered - but I will bet that will not be today or tomorrow. It might be that one day you realize you were truly blessed to be a part of your granddaughter's life and that you saved her from a life of horrid abuse or the foster care system. That could not be easy on you now. And you probably don't have a choice except to keep on going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 4:28pm

Hi cl-west..lol..thanks for your support, now you know why I need friends! =)


The story was a short version..real life is much worse...add in the felony thefts to my family by the bio-father, his lack of family background (drugs) and recent fatherhood by his latest gf, my own daughters depression, ADD, learning disability (tho she is doing awesome in her college courses), my horrible marriage to an abusive alcoholic, 34 physical moves in 26 years, my family all being on the east coast and my own needs going unmet you can see why her spiting me can loosen the top on a can of worms! LOL....


This guy she has now is a good guy, he loves Aliza...BUT last year there was an incident where his pitbull bit her face (scars) and he still has the dog. I reported it plus brought my granddaughter to the hospital. This was all the NEXT day after the bite, they didnt do anything about it. My daughter takes Aliza every Friday night, and the dog is there, though locked outside..I still call constantly and am still upset about it. Nobody will get rid of the dog! Dont get me wrong, I rescue dogs and love them dearly, but not when the dog has gone after several kids!


Geesh, sorry...its just one of those days. My granddaughter is home sick, I had plans to look for a job, and her mom wont stop by and visit though her school (college) is just a few miles away..

~Lisa

~Lisa  =))

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 4:56pm

Huge kudos and hugs to you for raising your granddaughter. One of my very good friends (we are both 44) is raising her 2 grandkids. One is 3 and the other is 1. Daughter has drug, mental and legal problems. Dad's are in the picture, but not much.

There probably isn't much you can do to change your daughter. She may or may not grow up one day. All you can do is continue doing what is the right thing for your granddaughter and yourself.

Here is link to a site that might help. Also, is there a church in the area that you could get involved with? Sometimes a church family and/or resources can be a big help.
Stephanie

http://www.usa.gov/Topics/Grandparents.shtml

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 5:02pm

Here is another link. It is a website called Angelfood ministries. You can buy a pretty good sized box of groceries such as frozen meat and vegetables for $30. The food is restaurant quality, not seconds. You do not have to provide proof of income and it is for anybody that wants to take advantage of it. You click on your state and put your zip code in. Then you can see where the order and distribution point for your area is.

You order once a month and the food varies each month. You can also buy additional frozen meat for $20 per box. Every little bit helps!!
Stephanie

http://www.angelfoodministries.com/

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 5:10pm

Lisa, I'm glad you've joined the board!


What a wonderful thing you have done to take on the responsibility of your granddaughter, she owes you her life- don't ever feel bad about that!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 5:27pm

Wow Steph - those are great links!!

HUGS to CopperArab and her DGD!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 6:06pm

THANKS EVERYONE!!

~Lisa  =))

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 6:28pm

HUGS - you have *not* had an easy road and the start was not at your control. And I can understand your feeling of "when is it my time" because you have never been given that - but it seems that you are the stronger one here and a light for your daughter and grand daughter - at least your daughter is going to school and is with someone you say is nice (although I can totally understand NOT wanting a grand child near a pit bull much less one that bit her!) But you did and are doing the right thing - I think this is one of those things you have to live through because there is no other alternative. And for you to be so well on your own after all you have been through is quite remarkable. IT really is - I am sure there are many who would not do the right thing for their DGD or who would stay with the abusive man.

It sounds like you desire a job and more social interaction? Maybe there is a way for you to have a bit more of that? Although I don't have any magic answers.

I hope you like the grandparents board - I didn't have much time to look - but it seems that many of them had similar burdens. Not that we don't welcome you - but they would understand so much better - and often times you just need someone to understand what it is like to be in your shoes - and maybe they have tips and ideas as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 8:43pm

First off, you deserve some major kudos!! As a child raised by her grand parents (grandma really) mostly I want to say bless you for giving this child stability, security, and love that she would not otherwise have. There are far too many children out there being neglected and being left behind before they even have a chance to thrive. That child is innocent regardless of the issues of her mother or father. I know my brothers and sisters and I were at risk kids and without the stability of my grandma who knows where we would have ended up in life. Instead we are all successful (lawyer/politician, business owner, professionals and all raising happy stable kids)

I agree w/Alison that your daughter and the DGD's father need some tough love. You have taken on their responsibility and they need to contribute to at the very least alleviate some of the financial burden. I would also urge you to find some real life support system. You need to have some personal time. It is imperative for your mental health as well as your grand daughter. The one drawback from my grandma is that I was very much aware that I was a drain on her. It made me feel like a burden which is a guilt I carried most of my life and it had a negative impact on my self esteem. But there are some wonderful women here and we are always here to lend and ear and offer advice.