Topic: moving in

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Topic: moving in
10
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:03pm
I just wanted to start a discussion here...

When is the right time to move in with someone? Is there a timeline, milestone to get to? Do you have to be engaged or married first? Do you believe in living together before marraige for the trial run?

I'm just interested in what you guys think about this topic. What are your experiences and how did it turn out? Good or bad?

Of course, with kids there's a whole other area to consider. But I'm just saying, kids aside, what do you follow?

Myself having moved in with my son's dad 2 weeks after meeting him and being engaged for 4 of the 5 years together, I'm quite gun shy about living with anyone again. I would prefer to actually walk down the aisle first.

Any thoughts?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: alison
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:12pm
My opinion: No ringee, no livee ;-)

I would consider living with someone if I had a ring and wedding date. Nothing less.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: alison
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:21pm

I suppose my opinion is the same as Judy's. I had the opportunity to move in with my now DH, but I didn't want to because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to model to my DS. But if I did it, it would ONLY be with the intention that the wedding was on the way, and just didn't happen quite yet.


That's just for me. No clue how others SHOULD do it, as that's not my place to say. Though sometimes I think it's obvious to the world when it's too soon, know what I mean?

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: alison
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:35pm
When is the right time to move in with someone?

I firmly believe anything sooner than 9 months is too soon. You are still in that honeymoon stage until month 6 . . . Ideally I would say a year.

Is there a timeline, milestone to get to? Do you have to be engaged or married first?

Time. Otherwise, no.

Do you believe in living together before marraige for the trial run?

Yeah.

I'm just interested in what you guys think about this topic. What are your experiences and how did it turn out? Good or bad?

I lived with TT. We had been dating 11 months. I wasn't ready, but I was pregnant. LOL It turned out great. But I have to say I don't think that's "luck" I think it's because we went to financial planning, premarital counseling, step parenting class and support group, and we were REALLY on the same page. We planned very carefully.

I think that someone who REALLY values marriage, who can't stand the thought of living with someone indefinitely with no plans for marriage, should NOT live with someone UNTIL plans for marriage are made. Period. But there are people that simply don't value marriage/aren't desirous of marriage and who they wouldn't be living with someone hoping that every day was going to be the day he proposes . . . and I think for ALOT of people - THAT IS the situation.

Of course, with kids there's a whole other area to consider. But I'm just saying, kids aside, what do you follow?

Kids aside? Shoot. I'd probably never marry. I don't think I would live in any once place long enough to have a successful relationship!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: alison
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 8:06pm

I don't think there's a definite wrong or right answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alison
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:05pm
Interesting question.

I've thought a lot about this because I am sure I'd want to live with trav for awhile before I agreed to marry him. Having been in a marriage with a big controller who yanked me around for a year, delaying the divorce, I am very hesitant to get into that kind of legal commitment again.

While living together he'd have to be ok with me having my own money and I'd have enough savings to get myself a place if I wanted out. I'd always want to have the option to get out when I wanted or needed to. I'd have to have some kind of agreement, probably written, about what was mine and what was his. Cars, big household stuff etc. And I'd probably want to keep my King size bed...as a second guest bed or something. Some things I never want to do without again. LOL!!! And, having said all this, I wouldn't move in with anyone I didn't trust to KEEP all the above agreements even if they weren't written. Trav is not the kind of man who wants to own someone, or I wouldn't be so crazy about him.

Time...hmmm...for me that is relative. I've known trav over a year now, but 6 months of it we've not had much communication. So I'd want to spend a lot of time with him for...hmmm...6 more months maybe, before I'd agree to move in. I would want to be engaged right away. I hate the idea of 'cancelling out' and engagement if I decide I want out. I'd be ok with being engaged after we'd been together a year or so and decided we wanted to become permanent later. And with his job, it could take a couple of years for me to feel like we'd have enough time together, even then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alison
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 3:08pm
For me, moving in with someone is one level of commitment to the relationship, but not the ultimate commitment. I see a lot of people who kind of slip into moving in together because they're already over there so much, they're wasting money, to save money, etc., but it's not like they're taking a deliberate step to deepen their relationship...so they step up to this level of commitment 'through the back door'. Others move in because it's the next step in their relationship...it may even be the ultimate level of commitment to them because of their beliefs.

There aren't set numbers and timelines, but my own personal experience of dating is that if you make it to the three month benchmark, you're on the way to exclusive dating...if you make it to the six month benchmark, you're going from falling in love to being in love...I would hate to set up house anytime before then. I think a year of dating is about right to know if you want to live with him. When we were dating a year, SO and I talked about we'd probably be moving in together if the kids weren't involved...we both agreed we were nowhere near ready for marriage which is what it's going to take for him to move in with us.

I dated my kids' dad for eight years before we moved in together, but that's not any indication of what I'd today!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: alison
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:01pm
Alison:

Besides my exh, whom I did not live with until after the wedding, I only lived with one BF. Things did not turn out well, and it was hard for me to get rid of him because he didn't want to go. Because of that bad experience, I am soured against living together, and I won't do it again. But that's just me, and things were really bad between us. I would like to get remarried some day, so I think I'll just hold out for that.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: alison
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:19pm

"Myself having moved in with my son's dad 2 weeks after meeting him and being engaged for 4 of the 5 years together, I'm quite gun shy about living with anyone again. I would prefer to actually walk down the aisle first.

Any thoughts?

Alison"


Hi Alison, every couple and each person is different.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alison
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:20pm
Well, I've weighed in so often on this topic that people are probably sick of what I have to say LOL. But I do think that Mindy hit the nail on the head when she said "I think that someone who REALLY values marriage, who can't stand the thought of living with someone indefinitely with no plans for marriage, should NOT live with someone UNTIL plans for marriage are made. Period. But there are people that simply don't value marriage/aren't desirous of marriage and who they wouldn't be living with someone hoping that every day was going to be the day he proposes . . . and I think for ALOT of people - THAT IS the situation. " I was actually talking to my aunt about this the other day. I do see that type of situation way too often; where one partner, many times the woman, moved in as a "step" toward marriage and several years later is miserable because it doesn't appear that her SO is ever going to propose or even just agree to marriage (the couple we were talking about moved in together, she got pregnant so things with the house and the baby took precedence. Then they talked about marriage and then she got pregnant again and didn't want to get married with a baby on the way, and now it's several years and another child later and he really doesn't ever plan to get married. And that's sad because it's not mutual.) But if both people are okay with never getting married, it might work out fine. I do believe it should be basically a permanent relationship if children are involved, as was the case with dh and I. We just changed our mind and decided to get married. No regrets on that one.

As for time. I think 3 weeks is too soon LOL (I did that with ex and we were engaged at the time;don't ask) We'd been together 9 months and I was definitely ready and probably would have been even sooner. But that wouldn't have been the best thing for dd (or probably dh and thus ultimately us) because we needed to carefully lay the groundwork for the transition. Because we did that, it was really smooth. But we specifically did not move in together at 4 months when I really needed to find a decent apartment and wasn't having much success on my budget even though that was already the plan eventually. It would have been too soon and both of us agreed that if we were going to do it, it was going to be for the right reasons, not just convenience. Good luck however it turns out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: alison
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:17pm
It's up to the individual. I moved in with Shane once we were engaged. We were planning this for a while, but I had no idea he was proposing. We had the promise of a life together before living together. But I'm not opposed to doing it without that promise too if the relationship is strong. I don't recommend just moving in without feeling a strong love for the other person. I think it's fine to not plan to marry anytime soon...or ever if that's what you both want. Sometimes living together is the best thing for a couple without marriage. But again, it's up to them. With kids involved, you do have to be careful and IMO, it's best to have a stable foundation in your relationship if you are bringing kids into it. Nothing can hurt them worse than to bond with your partner and then have to move because it's over.

Mel

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