Topic: Putting your life on hold...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Topic: Putting your life on hold...
17
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:58pm
I was listening to someone's opinion on dating after separation. This was from a woman who is an accountant, who has a 1 yr old, owns a home and is marrying the father of her son.

She was saying that if her and her soon to be dh broke up that she would put her life on hold until her son was 18. She said that she never wanted to have to choose between her son and some guy. She said that the most important thing was to be there for her son, and some guy would get in the way.

She also said that staying home with him and being a stay-at-home-mom was the most important thing to her right now. Her bf is the bread winner and she raises thier son. That daycare wouldn't be as effective in nurturing thier son, he could only really thrive with them. That they would give up anything to ensure she was home to raise him. That said, she does teach a night class at the college.

Now, my situation is completely different, and as you can imagine I was a little upset by these comments. I have no partner to work while I stay home- I have to work. I feel confident that the choice I made for his daycare is the best in this city. He gets to play with tons of kids, gets to be in a totally nurturing environment with staff that care about him. They do lots of activities together, and go on outings. He has fun while I'm working all day.

The point about putting your life on hold does not hold up for me. I am not dating right now because I haven't met anyone I would like to date. I have a very small circle of friends/ coworkers, and I'm sure that is not helping me meet new people, but my focus is not on finding a date. It's living my life. That said, if I meet a great guy I would like to date him and see what happens. If I decide down the road to have him meet my son I would introduce this guy as a friend. I have dated in the past and there has been no choice to make, my son will always come first- he is my responsibility. Now if one day I get married, the marraige is a priority -yes- but my son's needs would still come before my husband on MOST things. You need to nurture all the relations within your family, but until my son is 18 I cannot deny him his basic needs.

What is your opinion?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:18pm
My opinion is it's VERY easy to say "I would put my life on hold until my child is 18" when you are NOT really facing that situation.

I would NEVER put MY LIFE on hold. For anything. Just as my child only gets one life - so do I - and I have a right to live it. And I firmly believe you can live your life and nurture your child at the same time.

I am remarried, with a son from my first marriage and a son from my current marriage, and two step-children. Although I financially "have" to work - I also CHOOSE to work. If we made major lifestyle changes (which we would both be willing to make if it was important to me) we could - so that I could stay home - but honestly - staying home simply isn't for me - and I feel my children both doing very well in summer camp/day care/school/after school care/and family care. They are both nurtured and loved and they are also experienced to a variety of people and situations that they wouldn't be if I was a stay at home mom. And the "they could only thrive with me" comment irritates me to no end. My children are both happy and thriving - as are my step-kids (who are 19 and 17 and fantastic people) - and none of them had a stay-at-home parent.

I would have no problem choosing between my child and a man - my child would win hands down every single time. Thankfully - I met a man that would never force me to make that decision - that loves my son - that loves our son - and that loves our life together. My marriage is my NUMBER ONE priority - before my children - but OUR MUTUAL number two is our children. Our children go without nothing they need - especially love and security.

Best wishes to you and yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:21pm
I don't believe in putting your life on hold for your kids. I am a firm believer that your kids are your 1st priority, but how can they be happy if you are miserable? Kids pick up on things. It's like staying in an abusive marriage because you have kids and think that being married is best for them. Having a happy, stable parent is best for your kids. And if you are happy with a partner and they treat you well and respect your kids, then there is nothing wrong with that.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:57pm

Alison, I was about to say what Min already said.

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:08pm
There is no putting your life on hold when you are single mom - you live it- to take care of your kids. The option of stay at home mom is well - just not possible now-a-days.

If I were married and the financial situation was sooo wonderful that I could stay at home with the kids - great!! However I would find I need SOMETHING for me or I would lose all sanity. LOVE my kids but they wont be my whole life! What will this woman do when they leave? Talk about setting herself up for major depression !! no no honey - like someone else said - this is MY life too!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:02pm

I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with this statement:


She said that she never wanted to have to choose between her son and some guy.


WHY WHY WHY would she even THINK of this as choosing between her son and "some guy". First of all, if it were just "some guy" of COURSE she wouldn't be in a serious relationship. When you are in love with someone, they cease to be "Joe Blow" and become a part of your own heart and by extension a part of your family. There are therefore no choices to be made. It all flows together. Maybe that's just me and my ideal, but I firmly believe that if you don't have that ideal and you feel like you have to make a decision between your SO and your child then you should stay put.


Also, I tend to disagree with you that your son would always be top priority. Maybe it's a matter of how you would say something vs how I would say it and that's fine. ;) I would have to say that my DH of 1.5 years is my #2 priority (second only to my relationship with my Creator) and my ds is #3. If we DON'T prioritize that way, things fall apart. If you place your DH first, the rest will follow. This is not to say that my son's needs are not met 100%, but I have to be careful. I've had Ty for 10 years, and Jas for 3. It's VERY easy for my priorities to get "mixed up" as it were, and I have to stay on top of that.


Just my pennies. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:34pm
She is saying that now, but I'm 100% sure her outlook will change if she breaks up with or ends up divorcing her boyfriend/husband!

My dd is in daycare, I have never once thought it was a bad thing. She is learning things that i would'nt even know she could learn yet!

I don't know if this is how you feel, but i feel like people look down on me, sometimes, because i am a single mother.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I think in a way it is a little bit of jealousy. These women that "look down" on me are actually a little bit jealous because they see me doing it on my own and in the back of their minds they know they would'nt be able to do it. They would fall apart if their SO left!

I am realizing more and more that alot of people (women and men) try to belittle others to make themselves feel better.

Forgive me if I'm pessimistic!(sp?) I just got out of a bad relationship with my DDs'father. He would always try to belittle me. I've come to realize that I have always made it on my own! Even when we were together, if he did'nt pay the bills I did it ON MY OWN. When he left, because he needed a break I did it ON MY OWN. But you see, I was supposed to lose everything and go crawling to him on my hands and knees because I could'nt make it!

Enough of that!

YOU NEED A LIFE!!!

If you don't do anything for yourself and take care of your needs (emotional and physical) What will you have when your child turns 18 and leaves the house? If your lucky you will have the perfect child who will stay by your side and take care of you. The way the world is today, I would'nt count on it. I don't even know how to meet men and get back into the swing of dating now! Can you imagine waiting 18 years?!?!?!?!

Take care of YOU!!

Ang

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 11:05pm
Hi Alison,

My opinion is bravo! You have your life together!! I couldn't agree with you more on all your points.

With regards to the SAHM versus the working mom - you cannot say one is better than the other because it depends on the people involved. I have seen good and bad examples of both scenarios. It sounds like your son is well adjusted with his caretakers and friends while you get your work done. He is lucky that he has a nice environment and that you have a stable source of income. You both sound happy.

With regards to dating, I am on exactly the same page as you. I believe this is the best way to meet the right person.

And yes, my son would always come first. It is a balance. But he is first. I would not consider marrying someone unless it was a win win situation for all involved.

Good luck to you. And don't worry about what someone else says. You always have to do what is right for YOU!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:52am
Hi Ang,

You make great points about the others being jealous. I sense this a great deal when I do stuff at my son's school. I feel really lucky because I am strong and can do it on my own. I am able to call all my own shots - do as I please, buy what I please.

And I relate to the fact that you were doing it all on your own anyway. I felt the same way. And yes, many people get their self esteem by belittling other people. My XH was that way, too.

While I know it is better to be in a loving relationship and that is what I want, I also know it is not so bad being single. There are perks to both.

I have really enjoyed reading the posts here - as always - this board is just super. It is so nice to get different opinions and to feel a connection with everyone as we walk in the same shoes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:16pm

I agree too, and felt the same vibe from married women, the negativity or some kind of "wall" between me and them...only after I became a single mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:20pm
I agree about the belittling (sp?) comment.

I worked hard when ds was little and I was with his dad, he stayed home since he was on a disability leave from working. I worked a minimum wage job and my ex got very little for his disability, and what he did get, he would drink. When we broke up, I moved back to the town I grew up in, and went to a community college. My only source of income was student loan, so I only had enough to rent an apartment and have a basic phone. Sold my car, went into a bad credit because I could not pay any of the $3000 I had in loan/ credit cards. After 9 mos of school I graduated with a 97% average and found an awesome job. I was able to pay off 2/3 of my debt in under 7 mos. I have now started saving money and only have one debt to pay.

I am very proud of how far I have come.

Sure, I would like to return to school and continue, but for now I would like to get some money saved and debt cleared. My ds starts kindergarten this fall, so I will pay less in daycare. It's kinda nice to read this and see how much I've accomplised in the last two years!

Alison

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