Torn....
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| Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:04am |
Hi, I am a single mom to a 2 year old boy and new to the dating scene. I have been seeing someone for over 2 months now and things are going very well. I have never had it so easy with someone - meaning we get along so great and just 'click'. I am really starting to fall hard for him.
The only trouble is.... he is unsure about kids in his life. Not completeley agaisnt it, he jsut said that he never thought that it would be for him. He has been around my son and is trying really hard to make things work. We had a conversation this weekend taht pretty much told me what I already knew - he didn't any kids of his own. I am 100% ok with that because I don't want anymore either. He has told me that he wants me and things are fantastic between us and that he really enjoys being around my son. He understands that we come as a packaged deal and knew this from the start. He is a great person and so kind.
I know that we can't ask for guarantees with any relationship but is it unfair of me to ask him to make up his mind?? Should I let things go on the way they are, which is really great, and see where it goes? I am 30 and he is 35 - too old to be playing around with someone that we can't see a future with. I can see one with him and I think he can see it with me. Or am I kidding myself> Anyone with similar issues?

Hi,
IMO, I feel that you are not being unfair by asking him to make up his mind. However I don't think I would phrase it like that so early on in the relationship. I would, continue to talk to him periodically about how he would feel being a father figure, in your child's life, a person that he would depend on, etc..etc.. I mean, he's saying that he doesn't see himself with children, but if the relationship were to progress with you and your son, he would have exactly that. Tread lightly here.
There are a few 'caution' signs that I've seen in your post. One being that "he's been working really hard to make things work". That is a loaded sentence. If anyone has to work 'hard'at something, especially someone who is so unsure about kids, that makes me lean towards that he really doesn't want kids, but really likes you and the child and doesn't know where to go with it all so he's putting his best foot forward and giving it the ol' college try..? Does that make sense?
And your right, you are both too old to be playing around when there could be no future in the relationship. Especially now that your son has been exposed to him (even if he's only two, your BF does have an effect on him). It sounds like you both are taking the high ground here and getting this very important issue out in the open and dealing with it now, rather than later. IF you both see a future, then he really should put some time into this delicate subject and decide what he wants to do.
I hope this helps somewhat...I myself have never been in this situation, but would tread cautiously IMO.
Keep us posted!
Lisa
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It sounds okay to me so far. You won't know unless you play the game. Your BF may warm up to your son over time - it sounds like his intentions now are good - but maybe time will show you that your bf just thinks of your son as a burden instead of a wonderful person.
What do you expect from the man you marry? Do you expect a sort of co-captain or a real full blown father figure? I think if you write these down over time you will be able to determine if your BF can fill these shoes.
I know that for me, my DS has an active dad in his life. So I don't want another father for him. But I do want someone who will treat him like he is important and give a good example. Be a positive in DS's life and develop a good relationship with him - enjoy him.
I think that time will tell if he's going to be a match or not.