Torn...need advice
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| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 6:04pm |
He's taking off next weekend and I was thrilled because I thought we'd do something special to remember the special date. Homecoming at his college is that weekend, but we aren't going, so I thought maybe because Dylan is with his father that weekend, we'd spend some time together doing whatever we chose. Dinner, movie, a trip away. Something.
He tells me last night that a friend of his invited him that Saturday to go to Dallas and play golf in a tournament. He'd have to leave that morning (it's 2 hours away) and play and he'd be gone until that night sometime. Well I knew that celebrating here was out, so I asked if I could tag along and he looked at me like "How dare you ask such a thing" and said , "no". I was visibly disappointed because I thought maybe I'd just be a spectator and hang out and then we'd get a room in Dallas and spend the evening together. I never got to suggest it because once he saw my face sink, he threw the remote and stormed out of the room. He accused me of never supporting his interests, being too needy and never allowing him to have his own life. He said I smother him.
He even hurt me worse by saying that all I wanted to do was tag along because that's all I know how to do since I don't have a life of my own. Girls, this was the most disappointing thing ever. I just wanted to go and support his game and make the best of the day and still be able to celebrate our weekend with him somehow.
I finally was able to tell him today that it wasn't even about the golf game that upset me and that I wanted to tell him tonight what it was that was really bothering me. He said we'd talk. He did apologize to me for hurting me and said he didn't mean any of what he said. He just was angry and lashed out and was nasty to me and had no excuse for that. He felt bad, but it doesn't take away fromt he fact that it hurt and still does.
I know he wants to go, but I'm afraid he'll cancel and resent me for it. But I know I really want him to stay or at least let me go with him so we can have the evening together. I don't want resentment and I know if he stays, he'll be upset if I don't come up with something worth him cancelling his golf game...especially since he gets to play at $250 game for free.
What should I tell him? Do I just let him go and hope he gets back in time to do SOMETHING that night and is not too tired to be with me or just flat out ask him to stay and risk his resentment?
Mel

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You aren't afraid he'll be going to strip clubs or anything like that? That's what my last boyfriend would have done. Golf, then out drinking (or to a strip club).
Enthusiastic joint agreement was the concept given. So, along those lines, I would suggest you both take the time to come up with a solution that you both love. Your idea to tag along was okay - you would be happy because you get a trip and can probably find fun things to do there and he would be happy because he can play golf.
His accusation that you are smothering is unfair. Although he is discussing his thoughts and this is good, he must take the time to realize that you are a wonderful gal. But at the same time maybe he just needs a little more space and you should listen to that. Men do need their boys times out and you should allow for some of that for him - after all he does work hard while you get to stay home.
So - come up with a win-win solution. And keep us posted - hope this helps. It is what I would do.
Edited 10/8/2004 8:17 pm ET ET by west1745
Mel
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Mel
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You might enjoy the time to yourself in the morning and then could catch up with him later?
He is so sweet - it was sure nice of him to bring home the roses. And he does work hard for you. I think his strength is that he can be really spontaneous - and most of the time this works for you but sometimes he surprises you with stuff you don't like - such as this golf outing or the friend who he wants to help with the job.
The first year is always hard because it is about setting boundaries in the relationship. If he only wants to play golf like this a few times a year it is okay - but all the time would not be in my opinion. But that is for you to decide.
Good luck - I am sure you will sort all of this out!!
Mel, does Shane even know that next Saturday is the anniversary of when he proposed?
I don't think I'd worry about celebrating with him after that. I'd go do my own thing.
And he could sure fix his own meals and wash his own clothes for a few days while I went out and "got my own life". :)
Obviously this means alot to him-- if you love him you will support his wants and needs-- consider his trip a gift of your love to him for the
As far as me going out as much as he does, well, he doesn't go out much without me. He plays golf pretty rarely now and hasn't played poker in months. He might play in a month or two because there is talk of a game coming up, but no real plans in order. And I don't mind him going sometimes, but I was extra sensitive this time because I wanted us to be together for the anniversary. Plus with his friend moving in for a week or two now, I'm on edge. He'll be here tonight. I honestly think Shane wishes I WOULD go out without him. But my only friend here is single and likes to go party at bars and drink and pick up men. We wouldn't go see a movie and have dinner and hang out like normal people. Shane's cousin's wife is a good candidate for that kind of outting and I'm hoping I can catch her on a day she's not working so we can go out and do something--just us girls. I feel closer to her way of doing things because she isn't all about drinking and she's also married and would be fun to just be with and talk. Shane loves time to himself. He stayed home while I went to a Prince concert in June. He read, he watched a movie, he slept. He just enjoyed the quiet. He'd be all about me going out and making him stay home and the next time it happens, it will be with a baby to watch. And Dylan. I'll give him work to do...LOL!
Do roses cut it? No, not really. The apology made it better than the roses did. I love the sentiment and he doesn't buy them often. I appreciate them. But hearing him say he was sorry he hurt my feelings and that he didn't mean what he said to me that night, we all I really wanted.
Mel
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I just wanted to say that I can understand all aspects of this disagreement. One difference between men and women is that when we're happy in a relationship, we don't feel as much need to be out without our SO's, husbands, etc., but men usually feel they do need time for golf or poker, etc. I've noticed this with every man I've dated, and my boyfriend now is the same way. Golf time, poker time, it's for the men...lol.
I agree with Shane that you shouldn't go golfing with him. I understand that you want to be there, but when I was at a golf outing ( I was helping out the local police department), I noticed a gilfriend "tagging along" and I thought to myself, "how much fun is she really having??" GOLF IS BORING TO WATCH! And the other men do look down upon that kind of thing, and for some reason, guys care what their friends think. (let's face it, most of the time, we do too!) However, the way Shane presented his argument was completely unfair, and he never should have insulted you as he did. He hit you where it hurt and he knew it. I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt you...but he was angry so he reached for the jugular...some people argue like that. I hope he thinks before he says something like that again...b/c it does hurt and it's not fair.
Anyway, I'm not trying to critize Shane...I'm just trying to validate how you feel, b/c I would feel the same way. I also wanted to suggest this:
Don't totally cave here. There's no reason to. I think you should both go to Dallas, but he should go golfing, and you can go shopping, or do some sight seeing while he's golfing. When he's done golfing, then you two can meet up and you can share a nice dinner together. I think this is a great way to compromise so neither of you is completely sacrificing for the other person.
As far as you having "your own life"...is that what you want? Because if you're happy where you're at...then don't let this comment make you feel any differently. If however, you want more "girl time" then see if there's things you can get involved in to meet new people.
I hope it all works out and I'd like to hear what's decided!
Hugs,
Shelley
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