Torn...need advice

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Torn...need advice
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Fri, 10-08-2004 - 6:04pm
Next weekend, October 17th is the anniversary of our engagement. I have to say that the moment Shane proposed was even better than when we got married because I knew at that moment how much he really loved me. We never spoke about marriage so it was a complete shock to me that he wanted such a strong committment. I knew we loved each other and were moving in, but I thought that was it for a while, at least.

He's taking off next weekend and I was thrilled because I thought we'd do something special to remember the special date. Homecoming at his college is that weekend, but we aren't going, so I thought maybe because Dylan is with his father that weekend, we'd spend some time together doing whatever we chose. Dinner, movie, a trip away. Something.

He tells me last night that a friend of his invited him that Saturday to go to Dallas and play golf in a tournament. He'd have to leave that morning (it's 2 hours away) and play and he'd be gone until that night sometime. Well I knew that celebrating here was out, so I asked if I could tag along and he looked at me like "How dare you ask such a thing" and said , "no". I was visibly disappointed because I thought maybe I'd just be a spectator and hang out and then we'd get a room in Dallas and spend the evening together. I never got to suggest it because once he saw my face sink, he threw the remote and stormed out of the room. He accused me of never supporting his interests, being too needy and never allowing him to have his own life. He said I smother him.

He even hurt me worse by saying that all I wanted to do was tag along because that's all I know how to do since I don't have a life of my own. Girls, this was the most disappointing thing ever. I just wanted to go and support his game and make the best of the day and still be able to celebrate our weekend with him somehow.

I finally was able to tell him today that it wasn't even about the golf game that upset me and that I wanted to tell him tonight what it was that was really bothering me. He said we'd talk. He did apologize to me for hurting me and said he didn't mean any of what he said. He just was angry and lashed out and was nasty to me and had no excuse for that. He felt bad, but it doesn't take away fromt he fact that it hurt and still does.

I know he wants to go, but I'm afraid he'll cancel and resent me for it. But I know I really want him to stay or at least let me go with him so we can have the evening together. I don't want resentment and I know if he stays, he'll be upset if I don't come up with something worth him cancelling his golf game...especially since he gets to play at $250 game for free.

What should I tell him? Do I just let him go and hope he gets back in time to do SOMETHING that night and is not too tired to be with me or just flat out ask him to stay and risk his resentment?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 9:25am
wow...I would be really hurt, too. Especially after he accused me of smothering him. I would probably start filling in my calendar without him. In reality, I think that's a really hard accusation...and I would find out exactly what he means by it and what he thinks he was getting into when he proposed. Sure he's entitled to a life, independent of you, but he's got to run things by you as you have to run things by him, right? I think he's missing the partnership boat.
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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:54am
What he meant by smothering is that he needs guy time and since I have no friends here except girl that just wanst to go partying all the time (which is not where I'm at right now) I get upset when he wants to go somewhere without me. I get my feelings hurt because he only has one day off a week and at times chooses to spend the day with someone he sees everyday at work instead of being with me, who he sees a few hours at night when he's too tired to talk. So I take it personally. I don't mean to give him a hard time, but as a lonely woman who moved away from everyone I know FOR HIM, I get jealous that he used to live here for years and all those friends from then still live here. He has the luxury of getting lots of calls and offers. I don't. I just have to sit here bored instead. I don't know a lot of stuff to do and shopping isn't what I want to do. I'm bored here and there's nothing really I can do because he has a stable job here and we can't exactly have him take another job when he need the medical coverage now more than ever. My friends from back home act like I deserted them by moving here and never call me. I call them and try to keep up with things, but I can't be made to do all of the work. I know what he meant by me not having a life. I don't have one. My existence is sitting here being alone until my son gets out of school. Then I go pick him up and take care of what he needs until he's settled in.

We are so in love with each other, it's pathetic and we do have a very good relationship outside of my boredom/his popularity. It's not that he is always gone. He's here more than anything, but I just want someone to be able to call or to call me and say, "hey, let's go hang out just us girls". You know? That would mean the world to me. Shane says we need to get into a church and do that regularly. He's mentioned it before, yet I can move him out of bed on Sunday before 10AM. I've pushed to get that part of our lives changed. I know we could benefit from it on so many levels and meet people that are in our situation. Married, kids, stay at home moms, etc.

MY friend that parties all the time, is a nice girl, but she hasn't seemed to grasp the concept that I'm pregnant and on't need to go to a smoky bar. Plus lately, she's been unreliable. The past two weekends she's mentioned us all getting together with her guy she's been seeing and cooking out or something and we never hear from her. I'm not about to call her and verify the plans. It's her plan, she needs to call and let us know when it's happening. Shane has some friends that are a lot like us that we never seem to see anymore. And his cousin's wife is great, but works long hours so I can't seem to get it together with her for a day out.

Well, I'm done rambling. I'm just bored and need something better to do.

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:06am
I'm not even sure he's still going. He hasn't mentioned it. I talked to him Sunday morning on the way out to his aunt's house about the reason I was so upset and he asked me why I never said anything before. It was as if I had said so, he'd cancel. So who knows? I told him I never said anything because he was so busy being unreasonable and thinking only of his feelings that I didn't see fit to add on to the argument because I figured he'd just roll his eyes and say that the anniversary of our engagement was nothing and storm off mad. He did forget, of course, but that's fine. He's a man and I can't count on him to remember everything. He does remember the big stuff. I just wanted to celebrate that day so much because it was such a big surprise to me and event though the wedding was a bigger day, it was mostly just the icing on the cake. When you never speak about marriage and your thought pattern is that you'll live happily together without getting married, then being suprised with a sparkling diamond and romantic proposal just takes your breath away. And it did just that. Why wouldn't I want to celebrate that?

As for going on to Dallas, I don't know. It's huge and I don't know my way around. I honestly just planned to watch the tournament. Shane has always told me what an exciting spectator sport golf is and that we were going to the Colonial in Ft. Worth this spring because it's such a cool thing to doand that I'd enjoy it. I just thought if it's so great to watch, then take me along, I'll watch and if I feel like it, I'll go into the cafe and eat and watch it on TV.

I do thank you for the comments and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has a man that wants time away from the woman. Sometimes, I think I'm alone in that.

Mel

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:27am

Mel, thoughts for you on getting out more and making new friends.....you mentioned you'd like to meet more people that you have things in common with, like parents of young kids, married couples, people who would go to dinner and a movie and not out bar-hopping,

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:51am

Good morning Mel.


Just wanted to chime in here. This sounds VERY much like an argument J and I would have. Very much. I don't agree with everyone that Shane was horrible and jerky and mean to say what he did. Definitely he was unkind in the way he presented himself to you. The way and timing he used. If he really is feeling "Smothered" then he needed to pick a less emotionally charged time to tell you that he was feeling that way. And he very well may be feeling like that. I know I've done that to Jason before. However, the way he presented it was that he felt "way too responsible for your happiness and fun times"


He's like Shane. LOVES when I go out (though we've recently had the discussion that he gets uncomfortable if I seem like I've been gone for too many hours w/out touching bases because it reminds him of a stunt his ex wife pulled. I never knew that) He enjoys the evening to himself. Sitting in front of the TV

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm so glad that you chimed in! Your last comment made me feel very normal. I know out of anger we all say things that we don't mean or we mean it, but say it the wrong way. I know he's got to have time alone. I get that and I am happy for him that he's got things he likes to do. I support his hobbies even if he doesn't believe I do. And of course anniversaries of things other than marriage (which some men don't even remember THAT) are not as important. He didn't realize the romantic value of that weekend to me. He just thought he did something from his heart and yeah, it was romantic, but it wasn't the wedding. I can see that. But he does see it now. I definitely don't want to be slighted for our real anniversary, but I'm not too sure we'll be doing much being as though we'll have a new baby. I'd almost RATHER celebrate this thing more this year and do a big anniversary wedding celebration another time. Either way, we'll have a thing we can be together for.

I think I'll just back off and if he goes, he goes. If he stays, it's his choice. Either way, he'll probably feel weird about us going out alone now that his friend is here. He might feel obligated to entertain him instead. Hopefully, that doesn't become an issue. We still are a married couple that must live our lives normally.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 2:48pm

. I'd almost RATHER celebrate this thing more this year and do a big anniversary wedding celebration another time.. That makes total sense. I would do that. Knowing I'd be too wiped out for a special anniversary celebration, I'd opt to have fun NOW. Jas and I tried to enjoy our first anniversary this year, but it was overshadowed by my surgery just 2 weeks before hand. BUT, he knew better than to plan the "big thing" for then. The Bigger celebration/night out was TWO MONTHS later, in April. And you know what? It STILL sucked. I was still too wrecked emotionally speaking from the pregnancy and I didn't feel normal. I am SOOOO loooking forward to our next anniversary.


yeah, I'd enjoy this if Shane will, knowing the real deal might be a bit of a let down if you expect much from it.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:20pm
Just knowing I will have a one month old baby to care for plus still being in the healing process, it just seems to make more sense to either celebrate the engagement this time or wait til later to celebrate the anniversary of the wedding. I can see how you'd be feeling low no matter what and not up to doing much. I know that my spirits will be high, but energy wise, no way.

UGH and to make matters worse just right now, we're broke from paying bills and even though Shane gets paid this Friday, it's as good as gone and child support doesn't arrive til the 24th. With his friend here, he's draining our account. I need to pull him aside privately (if at all possible) and talk to him about this. He told me I didn't have to do a thing different, yet, I'm making twice the lunches (but thank goodness he's agreeing to brown bag it) and I noticed online when I checked the account earlier he took his friend to breakfast. It has to stop! We are not paying for gas, so he needs to realize that part. I guess his friend showed up without a dime.

On the up side, his friend is looking thru the phone book at apartments so I know he's planning to move soon. It can't be easy living with other people. I hated moving in with my folks after my split with Scott. Cramped my style. I am being as supportive as I can because he has been a good friend to Shane and Shane just wants to give his friend the chance to make a better life for himself. He wants marriage, kids, etc. The whole thing. Shane feels like he can make things happen for his friend, so I have to let him try. He actually teared up yesterday talking to me about it. It's important to him. And it's not taht his friend is being a nuisance. He's keeping to himself, not depending on Shane to entertain him, none of that. He watches TV, browses the computer, whatever. He stayed up and we went to bed. He even helped me clean the kitchen!!!! So it's not all bad. I'm trying to be good about this and just realize that it's only temporary. I'm hoping it's just two weeks and no longer. Long enough for him to earn some money and move to his own place. It'll be good for him to do that. And he'll see how good it feels. I feel bad for Shane knowing I gave himsuch a hard time over this, but I also feel like I had good reason to be concerned. Money is tight this time of month most of the time, some abnormality of lifestyle, my being pregnant and worrying constantly that everyone is fine...need I say more? But Shane insists that nothing has to change. I'm not responsible for his friend. I only need to do what I do everyday and nothing more. And he says he loves me so much for letting this happen and he'd never stop loving me just because his friend is here. He's just going to love me more. I think the roses were to let me know that he notices what I do here and how much I sacrificed and that he's thankful to me for being supportive even if I'm reluctant and scared of what will happen to us with his friend here. But I'm not going to let it get to me. If we go broke, so be it. A bill will wait. So just keep your fingers crossed that he finds a place soon. Nothing like the present to start looking around. Apartment guides are all over the place in stores. And FREE! And Shane can guide him to where he WON'T want to live.

Hugs!

Mel

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Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:11pm
Mel,

You're definitely NOT alone in that. My boyfriend now and I have only been together for about three months, and he's said from day one that he likes having things to do when I'm busy with my daughter. Yesterday, when I was at work, he had two of his friends call him so he went out and had a few beers before I got home. It's as if he ALWAYS has other things to do...and I NEVER do. The only girlfriend I have just started NYU this fall so she's only around on Saturday's...and since my boyfriend has off on the weekends...sometimes I don't even see her then. Usually, if he's out with his friends, I'm at home..watching TV or reading..or online. I don't have many people to talk to...sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. It depends on my mood I guess. I'm not like him...I don't need to be stimulated 24/7 by other people...but it would be nice to have my phone ring once in a while instead of just hearing his phone ring two or three times a night (he does ignore it when he's with me though...I love that). So...I can definitely relate on the popularity issue you're having with your husband!

Too bad we don't live near each other...we could get together!!!! lol

Hugs,

Shelley

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:46pm
Yeah, totaly, I'd hang out with ya if I was closer. I'm a very social person. I love being with other people and having friends around. I do enjoy just quiet evenings at home with Shane too. It's nice to sit with him even if we never say a word because he'll reach over and hold my hand and I know he's thinking of me. Shane's phone rings during dinner and anytime. He'll answer it no matter what...well it has rang during sex before and he ignored it. But I've been guilty of answering during sex, but with a different man...not Shane. It was kinda funny. Any, it seems like this one friend of his feels like he has to call Shane when he picks his nose, takes a dump, whatever. It's annoying. He called the other day just to tell Shane he was at the Dallas Cowboys game. Big deal. Everyone knows he has season tickets. Not breaking news. Why do some men feel they have to call and tell each other these things? I guess it's mostly annoying because I don't like this guy much and it's Shane's phone ringing all night and not mine. If anyone calls for me, it's my parents or my ex husband, but he's calling for Dylan, but he has to call and annoy me anyway.

Being pregnant, I don't want to go to bars where there is smoke all over. I'm happier having dinner, seeing a movie and hanging out with the girls with some snacks and a giggle fest. You can act 12 without drinking first. I've done it. But the only friend I have around that I can get in touch with most of the time is a big partier. I am a party girl too, but I know when it's time to grow up and take responsibility and how to respect it when others cannot do that kind of thing. Having quiet time is great, but I get that daily. So on the weekends, I want some attention. I guess jealousy is a big issue with me. I just hate to sit and watch others have fun when I'm not able to do that too. And when your friends you moved away from (but only an hour) act like you deserted them by moving, you are pretty much left on your own. Bummer!

Mel

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