Torn...need advice
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| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 6:04pm |
He's taking off next weekend and I was thrilled because I thought we'd do something special to remember the special date. Homecoming at his college is that weekend, but we aren't going, so I thought maybe because Dylan is with his father that weekend, we'd spend some time together doing whatever we chose. Dinner, movie, a trip away. Something.
He tells me last night that a friend of his invited him that Saturday to go to Dallas and play golf in a tournament. He'd have to leave that morning (it's 2 hours away) and play and he'd be gone until that night sometime. Well I knew that celebrating here was out, so I asked if I could tag along and he looked at me like "How dare you ask such a thing" and said , "no". I was visibly disappointed because I thought maybe I'd just be a spectator and hang out and then we'd get a room in Dallas and spend the evening together. I never got to suggest it because once he saw my face sink, he threw the remote and stormed out of the room. He accused me of never supporting his interests, being too needy and never allowing him to have his own life. He said I smother him.
He even hurt me worse by saying that all I wanted to do was tag along because that's all I know how to do since I don't have a life of my own. Girls, this was the most disappointing thing ever. I just wanted to go and support his game and make the best of the day and still be able to celebrate our weekend with him somehow.
I finally was able to tell him today that it wasn't even about the golf game that upset me and that I wanted to tell him tonight what it was that was really bothering me. He said we'd talk. He did apologize to me for hurting me and said he didn't mean any of what he said. He just was angry and lashed out and was nasty to me and had no excuse for that. He felt bad, but it doesn't take away fromt he fact that it hurt and still does.
I know he wants to go, but I'm afraid he'll cancel and resent me for it. But I know I really want him to stay or at least let me go with him so we can have the evening together. I don't want resentment and I know if he stays, he'll be upset if I don't come up with something worth him cancelling his golf game...especially since he gets to play at $250 game for free.
What should I tell him? Do I just let him go and hope he gets back in time to do SOMETHING that night and is not too tired to be with me or just flat out ask him to stay and risk his resentment?
Mel

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We are so in love with each other, it's pathetic and we do have a very good relationship outside of my boredom/his popularity. It's not that he is always gone. He's here more than anything, but I just want someone to be able to call or to call me and say, "hey, let's go hang out just us girls". You know? That would mean the world to me. Shane says we need to get into a church and do that regularly. He's mentioned it before, yet I can move him out of bed on Sunday before 10AM. I've pushed to get that part of our lives changed. I know we could benefit from it on so many levels and meet people that are in our situation. Married, kids, stay at home moms, etc.
MY friend that parties all the time, is a nice girl, but she hasn't seemed to grasp the concept that I'm pregnant and on't need to go to a smoky bar. Plus lately, she's been unreliable. The past two weekends she's mentioned us all getting together with her guy she's been seeing and cooking out or something and we never hear from her. I'm not about to call her and verify the plans. It's her plan, she needs to call and let us know when it's happening. Shane has some friends that are a lot like us that we never seem to see anymore. And his cousin's wife is great, but works long hours so I can't seem to get it together with her for a day out.
Well, I'm done rambling. I'm just bored and need something better to do.
Mel
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As for going on to Dallas, I don't know. It's huge and I don't know my way around. I honestly just planned to watch the tournament. Shane has always told me what an exciting spectator sport golf is and that we were going to the Colonial in Ft. Worth this spring because it's such a cool thing to doand that I'd enjoy it. I just thought if it's so great to watch, then take me along, I'll watch and if I feel like it, I'll go into the cafe and eat and watch it on TV.
I do thank you for the comments and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has a man that wants time away from the woman. Sometimes, I think I'm alone in that.
Mel
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Mel, thoughts for you on getting out more and making new friends.....you mentioned you'd like to meet more people that you have things in common with, like parents of young kids, married couples, people who would go to dinner and a movie and not out bar-hopping,
Good morning Mel.
Just wanted to chime in here. This sounds VERY much like an argument J and I would have. Very much. I don't agree with everyone that Shane was horrible and jerky and mean to say what he did. Definitely he was unkind in the way he presented himself to you. The way and timing he used. If he really is feeling "Smothered" then he needed to pick a less emotionally charged time to tell you that he was feeling that way. And he very well may be feeling like that. I know I've done that to Jason before. However, the way he presented it was that he felt "way too responsible for your happiness and fun times"
He's like Shane. LOVES when I go out (though we've recently had the discussion that he gets uncomfortable if I seem like I've been gone for too many hours w/out touching bases because it reminds him of a stunt his ex wife pulled. I never knew that) He enjoys the evening to himself. Sitting in front of the TV
I think I'll just back off and if he goes, he goes. If he stays, it's his choice. Either way, he'll probably feel weird about us going out alone now that his friend is here. He might feel obligated to entertain him instead. Hopefully, that doesn't become an issue. We still are a married couple that must live our lives normally.
Mel
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. I'd almost RATHER celebrate this thing more this year and do a big anniversary wedding celebration another time.. That makes total sense. I would do that. Knowing I'd be too wiped out for a special anniversary celebration, I'd opt to have fun NOW. Jas and I tried to enjoy our first anniversary this year, but it was overshadowed by my surgery just 2 weeks before hand. BUT, he knew better than to plan the "big thing" for then. The Bigger celebration/night out was TWO MONTHS later, in April. And you know what? It STILL sucked. I was still too wrecked emotionally speaking from the pregnancy and I didn't feel normal. I am SOOOO loooking forward to our next anniversary.
yeah, I'd enjoy this if Shane will, knowing the real deal might be a bit of a let down if you expect much from it.
UGH and to make matters worse just right now, we're broke from paying bills and even though Shane gets paid this Friday, it's as good as gone and child support doesn't arrive til the 24th. With his friend here, he's draining our account. I need to pull him aside privately (if at all possible) and talk to him about this. He told me I didn't have to do a thing different, yet, I'm making twice the lunches (but thank goodness he's agreeing to brown bag it) and I noticed online when I checked the account earlier he took his friend to breakfast. It has to stop! We are not paying for gas, so he needs to realize that part. I guess his friend showed up without a dime.
On the up side, his friend is looking thru the phone book at apartments so I know he's planning to move soon. It can't be easy living with other people. I hated moving in with my folks after my split with Scott. Cramped my style. I am being as supportive as I can because he has been a good friend to Shane and Shane just wants to give his friend the chance to make a better life for himself. He wants marriage, kids, etc. The whole thing. Shane feels like he can make things happen for his friend, so I have to let him try. He actually teared up yesterday talking to me about it. It's important to him. And it's not taht his friend is being a nuisance. He's keeping to himself, not depending on Shane to entertain him, none of that. He watches TV, browses the computer, whatever. He stayed up and we went to bed. He even helped me clean the kitchen!!!! So it's not all bad. I'm trying to be good about this and just realize that it's only temporary. I'm hoping it's just two weeks and no longer. Long enough for him to earn some money and move to his own place. It'll be good for him to do that. And he'll see how good it feels. I feel bad for Shane knowing I gave himsuch a hard time over this, but I also feel like I had good reason to be concerned. Money is tight this time of month most of the time, some abnormality of lifestyle, my being pregnant and worrying constantly that everyone is fine...need I say more? But Shane insists that nothing has to change. I'm not responsible for his friend. I only need to do what I do everyday and nothing more. And he says he loves me so much for letting this happen and he'd never stop loving me just because his friend is here. He's just going to love me more. I think the roses were to let me know that he notices what I do here and how much I sacrificed and that he's thankful to me for being supportive even if I'm reluctant and scared of what will happen to us with his friend here. But I'm not going to let it get to me. If we go broke, so be it. A bill will wait. So just keep your fingers crossed that he finds a place soon. Nothing like the present to start looking around. Apartment guides are all over the place in stores. And FREE! And Shane can guide him to where he WON'T want to live.
Hugs!
Mel
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You're definitely NOT alone in that. My boyfriend now and I have only been together for about three months, and he's said from day one that he likes having things to do when I'm busy with my daughter. Yesterday, when I was at work, he had two of his friends call him so he went out and had a few beers before I got home. It's as if he ALWAYS has other things to do...and I NEVER do. The only girlfriend I have just started NYU this fall so she's only around on Saturday's...and since my boyfriend has off on the weekends...sometimes I don't even see her then. Usually, if he's out with his friends, I'm at home..watching TV or reading..or online. I don't have many people to talk to...sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. It depends on my mood I guess. I'm not like him...I don't need to be stimulated 24/7 by other people...but it would be nice to have my phone ring once in a while instead of just hearing his phone ring two or three times a night (he does ignore it when he's with me though...I love that). So...I can definitely relate on the popularity issue you're having with your husband!
Too bad we don't live near each other...we could get together!!!! lol
Hugs,
Shelley
Being pregnant, I don't want to go to bars where there is smoke all over. I'm happier having dinner, seeing a movie and hanging out with the girls with some snacks and a giggle fest. You can act 12 without drinking first. I've done it. But the only friend I have around that I can get in touch with most of the time is a big partier. I am a party girl too, but I know when it's time to grow up and take responsibility and how to respect it when others cannot do that kind of thing. Having quiet time is great, but I get that daily. So on the weekends, I want some attention. I guess jealousy is a big issue with me. I just hate to sit and watch others have fun when I'm not able to do that too. And when your friends you moved away from (but only an hour) act like you deserted them by moving, you are pretty much left on your own. Bummer!
Mel
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