Totally confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Totally confused
11
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 7:44pm
I have an 7 year old daughter and have not even considered dating since her father and I split when she was an infant. I've recently become close to a co-worker that is very sweet and an introverted guy. My daughter absolutely loves him. My daughter comes to where I work in the beginning of the day so that's how she knows him. I'm attracted to how sweet and sincere this guy naturally is but he has very low self-esteem and always makes "downer" remarks about himself. He's quiet and has a hard time getting himself to interact where as I'm a homebody but very social. I always went for the "bad boy" kind of guy and this guy...I guess this kind of guy is the TOTAL opposite of anyone I've ever dated. I don't know what to do, I'm getting really strong hints that he wants me to give the go ahead but I just don't know. I also know that he wants to be seriously involved with a woman. He's looking for someone to marry. Would I be "settling" because of the lack of strong physical attraction? Is it possible to be happy and content with a friendly partnership? I know my daughter wants a father figure and I really do want more children and I will be 36 in February...I'm so confused!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: swsmomma
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 8:01pm

Whoa, Nelly! Slow down. You haven't even been on a date, don't go getting yourselves married already!

Now, as for the date/no date dilemma... what's the harm in going on some sort of casual, friendly date? Just because he's looking for a wife doesn't mean he'll find her in the first ten minutes. Everyone has to have some get to know you time, and he may deicde you're not his type.

But you don't know how you'll get on outside of work if you never see each other outside of work. I think if there's nothing completely turning you off from him physically, then there's a possibility for the physical attraction to grow. Not necessarily that it will, but in life and in love, we all have to be open to possibilities. If you're thinking of not even giving him a chance because he's a blonde and you go for darker guys, that's maybe something you could work on. However, if your attraction issue is much bigger than that (like he just completely repels you) you don't have to give him a chance just because he's a nice guy. There will be a match for him, and for you, who will love either of you the way you are.

One more thing, though. Dating people you work with, especially if it's a close working relationship, can get sticky. Make sure there are no rules about it, make sure you can handle seeing him inside and outside of work, whatever that entails, and most of all, have fun with your life!

Moody- totally crushing on a guy at work, and unable to do anything about it!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: swsmomma
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 8:25pm
Thanks for the reply. I guess I worded everything wrong. What I was trying to get across is that he is the kind of guy that gets pretty serious, pretty fast. He takes things to heart very quickly and I am worried that if I started to see him, because that physical attraction and the personality differences are there, that it would be doomed from the start. Basically, he's not the kind of guy I even MIGHT end up with so I'm worried that I shouldn't even be considering things starting between us. We don't work so closely together that if it didn't work out, that it would become awkward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: swsmomma
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 8:41pm
Maybe you should give it some more thought. There's nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to date him. But you can't be all flirty at work (not saying that you are, just saying in general) and give him mixed signals if you really don't want to even try to date. That's not fair.
Also, maybe you can look for the things you like about him in someone else that you might be more compatible with. You know you like how sincere he is, how nice, etc, so try to find another guy with those qualities, that you could potentially see yourself forming a relationship with. Even a casual relationship is a relationship, and there's nothing saying you can't be casual.
If I were you, I might back off, still be friendly, but let him know without telling him that you just want to be friends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: swsmomma
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 8:45pm
Thank you! I really needed some focus! I really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: swsmomma
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 9:22pm

Moody gave GREAT advice, as always.

One thing I thought of after reading through the thread was to mention physical attraction. That can develop when you start spending time together. But it cannot be forced. If you were to date you can wait and see.

The other thing I thought of is that it might be good for you to get out and date other people - not just put all of your eggs in one basket with him. He sounds nice - except for the downer part - but otherwise I like what you write about him. I would use caution since he is at work - but it sounds like you don't work that close so maybe okay?

Keep us posted!! And a big hearty welcome!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: swsmomma
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 3:56pm

One of my rules is this: Do not date someone you feel sorry for.

It's better to find an equal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: swsmomma
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 12:36am
Why are you putting such limitations on yourself? Let go of the type thing. That doesn't seem to have worked in the past. Why not give something new a shot? The more I get to know someone, the more or less attractive they get. You might be surprised. But I agree, dont' start something out if you have already stopped it before its started.
 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: swsmomma
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 1:15pm

I think your only attraction to the guy is how he treats your daughter.


The guy sounds nice, but "nice" isn't enough to warrant a relationship.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: swsmomma
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 8:05pm
I never even thought about the downer attitude being worse at home but you have a REALLY good point! I guess you're onto something with my only real attraction being the way he is with my daughter. I think you're right. I guess I've just always been so convinced that I'll never meet someone that would be as good to my daughter as her natural father should have been so I haven't let anyone near us. I don't know. I think I need to think about this from my angle as an adult woman and not just from what my daughter would love to happen. I guess I want her to be happy and started to think that maybe I could "will" myself happy with what she wanted.
Thanks so much for your advice! Everyone here has been such a great help to me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: swsmomma
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 8:12pm
I don't see why you cannot meet someone who will be great for both of you - please don't lose faith!!

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