Totally lost it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Totally lost it!
49
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 9:38am

OK so an update on me...selfish yes. I have only been lurking lately and im feeling guilty about it. I have been keeping up with everyone and even the new faces but have not had the umpf to post since i dont want to come off as negative even if its not meant to be. Am i making sense or rambling? Im freakin lost and feel like the ship is taking on water by the bucket loads...so take a breath and sit back if your up for some more 'woe is me crap' from yours truly.


1. The prince and I (im now going to refer to him as FP for all future postings - frog prince and i think you will see why). We have been really cooling off in a major way. Im so beyond annoyed with him. We dont talk..not two words. Hes a mute and its exhausting. He says he doesnt want to say the wrong things. I know i snap at him but its usually over DD. He gets her really wound up and crazy when they play. She plays hard and she end sup jumping off furniture and hurling herself into him and while they are playing. Yes its great that she plays with him HOWEVER when i need some pack up with rules there is none and then he pouts like hes in a time out as well. Infuriating really. We went to the zoo dinner and we literally said two words the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 1:17pm

Hey M....


I haven't read the other responses yet so I appologize if I repeat their sentiments and thoughts. First of all.....you never have to feel guilty or bad for being in lurk mode and then venting about life. That is why we are here! We want to hear you and support you. It seems the we all have those days/weeks even months when we barely have the mental energy to get up let alone be happy. Sometimes you just have to talk and vent and LET others give you support and you do not have to feel bad about that. Sometimes I don't have the mental energy to post either but you know what..everyone here is understanding of that. I am glad you posted....but sad that things went like they did yesterday with

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 2:25pm

For whatever its worth, I had some issues with the ex last summer regarding him not calling me to take the kids when he would be unavailable during his week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 2:29pm

So thank you all for letting me rant like DD when she doesnt get her way. And you were all right about everything. I am part of the problem and fully recognize that. I am an intelligent funny woman and im letting them have their way with me...like a sock toy to my dog. Its done, it is what it is. I thought I did want a poor baby but in realty i needed a smack on the forehead. Hes still controlling me and now shes in on it and im the one letting it happen. Whats with the big wake up call....believe it or not i drove past the chinese place that i was picking lunch up from...just drove right past while i was looking dead at it. I pulled into a lot and said to myself wake the f up....its like you never left. I am free of his crap...completely free of him. Enjoy it...and plan on starting.


Now on the FP front...its time to take a big old time out from each other and let me get my head on straight.


On college style...not up for anything more than friendly chit chat. Hes sort of level headed enough for me to talk to...when hes not talking about himself...nothing more than that.


M...very tankful for the perspectives...thank you all

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 3:23pm

I think you have come a long way - you have been standing up to him legally. It just takes more work from here. Unfortunately.

I just had one more thought for you. I think one of the reasons that CP put DD with the GF is because you two fought so hard over the custody thing and the schedule and the visitation and he doesn't want to look like the boof that he didn't take her on his day. Of course he should BE with her at that time. But I don't think he is capable of any responsibility or schedule, even his own, much less hers. And maybe he did have to work? Who knows?

So, I wonder if that means 1) somehow he has to know that if he can't take her it is okay to leave her with you if that is truly the better option for her (BUT of course this doesn't mean he can change the schedule at will it only means he loses that day and he is not allowed to use you as the chauffeur!) or 2) this gets documented so you can end up some day with sole custody? If his GF is doing a good job you have little to stand on with option 2 I guess at least according to his lawyer. I wonder, though, how long she or her patience for this sort of thing will last? I know I would not like that either if I was you and especially since she is so little - she really is at the mercy of that girl.

I truly have empathy because I think you have ridden a storm of way too much bad stuff. But I do think you have to work to realize you can't change him - you can only change what you do - and perhaps you can still change the legality part a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 4:58pm

momStar,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 5:33pm

Would you want him to phone on "his" day and say he can't take her time and again, constantly changing the schedule because he has to work or would you rather he take the steps to find alternative care for dd when he has her?


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 5:40pm

I have not scrolled through the other posts but MLstar, I so feel your pain. The GF does not have any rights to your kid. Period. If dad fought for parenting time, it is dad who'd better be there. Document it. The only way to proove he's maliciously running up your attorney's fees is by showing he does not follow through with the demands he has dragged you to court to address. I have truly been there and had to put up with that. I am sick of it for both of us!
If you check and call his work, find out he's there- go get your kid. Bring a cop/sheriff's deputy. The Wh&$e will have to give her to you. Hopefully you have the no third party clause. But that is not necessary to get your kid away from the GF.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 6:03pm

ITA with Alison on this one.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 9:14pm
Wow, we are all over the place on this subject. I'm truly glad your X's wives and you get along and you've been "big" enough to put your kids first. Everyone's situation is different. Not everyone has that situation as a possibility. You have open communication, the step moms ask you about keeping the kids when X's are out of town. That requires respect for you. Many of us do not have that situation.
I am very sorry that whatever state the OP lives in she has no recourse but to share her time with a live-in GF. In AZ that is not the case. Or maybe the OP needs a better attorney. In my case, if I show up at X's and he personally is not caring for D4 I can take her-legally. The deputy verified that. Parents come before any other caretaker. My X makes an issue of my having a sitter, but since I only have a sitter when he really can't be depended on to take D4 (he's at work) he really can't make much of it. I always give him right of first refusal when I am going to be out of town. He mostly gives me that right, but not always. He tries to say his mom (who is 78) is a better choice over my choice of sitter, even my mom (who is 68). The court doesn't buy it. The no 3rd party clause only applies if one of us is available and makes that availability known. One of us cannot dictate that our 3rd party choice should trump the other's 3rd party choice.
In my case, the OW is someone I have known for 10 years. She was my employee. I fired her for harassing the other employees. My X lobbied hard for me to abort D4 because of his relationship with OW. After I fired her, he rehired her only to have her quit in a dramatic blow-up when she found out I was pregnant. OW is a person I would not trust to care for my pets, well before X got emotionally involved with her. She is unethical. She was not a nurturing mom to her own kids, she is not someone who will love my D4, especially since D4 is so much like me. I would no sooner think this person has a "right" to care for my child than I would think a pack of wolves, or child molesters have a right to care for my child. I have a duty to provide the best care for my child, to protect her from known dangers.
All that being said, I don't say anything to D4 about any of this. I also am pretty much incapable of "Springerish" displays of angst. That is PsychoBoy's domain. If I ever run into OW with my D4 and the X nowhere in sight, I'd calmly and with lots of cheer, take my daughter and just walk away. I'd call PB and see where he was, tell him he could get D4 whenever he personally was available to care for her.
This subject is a very hard one for all of us. But it is a 4 way street. One's X(s) and the step mom(s)really have to show the real mom that there is a reason to trust the step-mom or step-dad if that is the case. And I refuse to be politically correct. Real mom- the one who chose to give birth, keep, nurture and raise a child. Adoptive moms are real moms because they choose to be all of the above to a child who's birth mom has given up that right. I have not given up my rights and responsibilities to care for my child.
I believe that if a parent, dad or mom, takes the time and goes through the effort and cost to get physical custody of their own child, that person should exercise that right and follow through by personally caring for that child. I think all too often, it is all just to avoid child support payments, or lesson the cost of child support, or worse, is simply vindictive to take the child away from the primary care parent.To flaunt that one is leaving the child in the care of someone the other parent strongly objects to, is just malicious rubbing of salt into a wound.
Yes, OP needs to work on separation of her emotions from the X. She needs more time to heal, to get a sense of control over her own life. But I think her reaction is totally normal and to be expected.
Kudos again to you for negotiating the step-mom quagmire gracefully.
QB
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 11:56pm

OMG - that story is so over the top - yes - you are right not to leave DD4 with her based on the history you have with the OW. What a good thing that you found out that you don't have to leave her there. What a strain on you to keep track of all of that as well.

Sorry QB - HUGS!!

And maybe in this case your story can teach momoflittlestar that she can go and pick up her DD as well - momoflittlestar - I hope this can work for you.