Transition from dating to couple?
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:26pm |
Your thoughts on this are appreciated. I am in a deliciously enjoyable relationship with a man. We have been taking things pretty slowly insofar as time commitments and heavy talk, but by his actions he has made it abundantly clear that he adores me and my son.
This weekend we did watch a m ovie at his place that was a datelike thing, but we also did chores together. It felt so good! We did a bunch of nasty repairs in my crawl space on frozen pipes, then went into the woods and got firewood, split and stacked it together. It was absolutely the most wonderful feeling of togetherness with a man that I have had since way before I had my son.
So things are moving along fine, I am happy and comfortable, but am wondering if I should be cautious and have a relationship talk with him or let it go. We see eachotehr spontaneously almost every day, we have inside jokes together, It's not all about sex, but the sex is great. He is very interested in my family, what makes me tick. All good stuff. He had me over for dinner with his Mom and Grandma. I guess my heart is already invested in him.
I don't want to be pushy or change things but I wonder if I need to talk about them to make sure they are what they semm to be...
Ubers, slightly disbelieveing her recent good fortune and enjoying meeting friends here on the Single Mom's board.

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Hi there Uber,
Sounds great. IMO, it doesn't really sound like The Talk is necessary, as you seem to have a great relationship already. I never had The Talk with my SO, he just introduced me one day to his brother as "my girlfriend".
How did he introduce you to his mom and grandma? A casual way of bringing the subject up, if you really feel you need clarification, is to ask him if he told them you were his girlfriend...
How long have you guys been dating?
Clem xx
Ubersilly, I think if you feel that it is obvious he's as into you as you are him, the talk might not be necessary.
If you have any doubts about where it's going, what you are to each other, that kind of thing, a talk might be in order. You can tell him you adore what you have, and aren't looking for anything to change, but that you need clarity.
To me, it sounds like a wonderful thing- just be careful not to play house too quickly! It's easier said than done, I know, especially if you enjoy each other so much. Make sure you're both truly on the same wavelength, though, or someone will end up hurt.
Moody, who is a talker
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Hi, Thanks for your replies.
I don't know when to say we started dating. I have known he was attracted to me since last May. He's a neighbor up the street and I just had a feeling whenever we crossed paths.
IN September he started coming by spur of the moment for long visits. He'd stay for 2 or three hours and talk. We have a lot in common and are in similar places in our lives so talking was easy.
I think our first "date"...ie not just bumping into eachother in the 'hood on purpose... took place in late October. Since it has gradually ramped up. We backed off the neighborly visits to dates twice a week and kept it to dates on neutral turf until mid December when he finally kissed me and then HE started talking long term stuff. I replied, "Hey, lets slow down and enjoy this, we don't need to worry about dividing the estate and where the kids are going to go to college yet..." I wouldn't go beyond "first base" because I knew if I did we'd end up in bed..lol. It was a head-spinning evening to say the least.
Good thing because the very next day, he said it was going too fast. :( I took it as a dump, so I just exited stage left and as a result he got the space he needed to come bouncing back full swing a week later and since his affections and actions have not wavered in the slightest.
New Years Eve, we went all the way and the sex is all fine and dandy. Met his Mom the first week of January. Seemed they made and excuse to come visit him and it seemed quite reasonable for me to assume that he told them about me over Christmas Break and they wanted to meet me. In fact he told me that he talks about his personal life to his mom. The impression that I get is that they have been close and have managed to developed a good friendship with each otehr. This was confirmed in the way they interacted at dinner. She was not over bearing at all. So i gather his mom knew we were in the early stages of dating, she was very kind and warm, but didn't pry for information or anything. It was quite comfortable, but it was apparent that she knew we were sweet on eachother, giving us a little private time to say good bye before I departed that evening.
After I met his Mom, We agreed to have a talk to see if things were okay because they had developed since the day after he kissed me. At the talk (about 3 weeks ago), which was good, we both expressed that we really liked the way things were going. He still said that he didn't really know what he wanted. I am kicking myself for not asking for clarification, because he sure acts as if we are in a relationship and he's loving it. He does all the calling, planning, except for small gestures I make in return.
I am uneasy because I am starting to feel attached to him emotionally. I am trying not to fall head over heels, but I think I know I already have and I am simply trying to deny it. I am so tired of having my heart broken. Know that Chet Baker song, "I fall in love too easliy?" that's me totally. I feel vulnerable right now, and I am thinking I'd rather be direct about it that let it work into my behavior and attitude in other ways like a lack of confidence or self esteem.
What do you think? Thank you. :)
I think you should have the talk. It still doesn't have to have the bad vibes people often associate with "the talk", but you definitely deserve and need clarity.
Just because you don't necessarily want anything to change RIGHT NOW doesn't mean you shouldn't know where you're headed, if you even want the same things, etc.
If you're feeling attached emotionally, that can be a wonderful thing. It can also be nerve-wracking, especially if you don't know where his head's at. It seems as if he's into it, and some people are showers rather than talkers, but you need to hear the words.
That's okay.
Good luck, and keep us posted!!
Moody, not having the talk
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I guess my only caution would be to be careful that you arent having the talk for the wrong reasons. If you already know in your heart and head that he is on the same page as you, you dont need to have the talk. You may very well need to reflect a little on how you can not be afraid of giving yourself fully again and get over some of those fears of a broken heart but that isnt something that can be solved by "the talk" IMO.
Good luck to you! It sounds like you have a really good thing going. You made me want to go chop wood with my man and I live in the heart of a city...lol
It sounds like things are going well and you are happy. I like what you write.
Since you are intimate, I think you should at least know if you are exclusive. I would want to know that more than "where is this going" anyway.
I think I would try to bring it up casually in conversation - like if another guy flirts with you - you could comment and say you weren't sure if you could accept his date? Just something humorous like that.
September is not that long ago - so I think you can wait a while for the what does this mean or where is this going type of thing.
Does he seem settled in his life - meaning own place, good job he is happy with, done with school, done with the party scene?
Yes he's very settled. He owns his house, as do I, he has a steady professional job that he loves, he takes care of himself and keeps his place up nicely. He's independent, he has some close friends, but they live out of state, so he talks with them on the phone once every couple of weeks. He rarely has visitors, I have encouraged him to go out on a few occasions.
About the exclusivity:
before we even kissed that night in December he started the long term talk. When I said slow down, you haven't even kised me yet. He replied, "Yes, I know, but kissing and touching really mean something to me and I want to be certain." I suppose he could have just come up with the perfect thing to say, but he seemed sincere about it. Living just a few doors apart, we can't help but notice eachothers comings and goings. Maybe this sounds nosy, but that's not my intention, but I can see his upstairs windows through mine at night, and before I go to sleep I look over at his house kind of to wish him good night (okay okay, I know it's cheesey... (I am blushing)) but his lights are on each night in his computer room upstairs where he's getting work done late, and he always talks about how he's in the bad habit of working late, so it all makes sense. It's clear to me that he isn't seeing any one. He's also the kind of guy I would trust with anything. He has exudes integrity when it comes to friends and family. He left a LTR two years ago and I get the sense that I am his first venture into a relationship since, though he may gone out a few times in the interim.
I think I will wait a little while unless things change. Maybe these are my issues. Many times after a long hug for no reason he will look me in the eyes and his mouth will look like he's about to say something, but doesn't. I will wait at least a week or so past Valentines day and give him a chance to define things if he feels the need.
Thanks! I'll keep you all posted.
I think you should wait and just enjoy - don't push any talks yet. See if he does bring it up.
Just easy cruisin' now and enjoying life and him is what should be on your menu. HAVE FUN and keep reportin'
Well ... dont knwo if you have read my epic posts here about MY situation, but I am about TO have "the talk" ... much of it seems sort of similar to yours, except MINE has in no uncertain terms declared himself "afraid to commit". So i have a feeling, in the long run, yours may turn out fine .. & mine? Not so much! But, tiem will tell.
I think, based on all MY ramblings & perseverations lately, that clearing the air may make you less concerned. So I say go for it, & ask him.
Whenever I've had the feeling that I needed "the talk" to clarify a relationship, those relationships didn't not last or become very emotionally intimate on the guy's part.
With my current SO, he gave me "the talk" very quickly. He wanted to make sure I wouldn't see anyone else. It's just been my experience that if a man wants a woman, he'll stamp "Mine" on her ASAP, have the talk, and declare her to be the "girlfriend".
If a man is waffling the girlfriend issue, or not bringing it up, I would think he's on the fence and no talk will bring him around. I'd lean towards making myself scarce and seeing if he chases.
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