Transition from dating to couple?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Transition from dating to couple?
15
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:26pm

Your thoughts on this are appreciated. I am in a deliciously enjoyable relationship with a man. We have been taking things pretty slowly insofar as time commitments and heavy talk, but by his actions he has made it abundantly clear that he adores me and my son.

This weekend we did watch a m ovie at his place that was a datelike thing, but we also did chores together. It felt so good! We did a bunch of nasty repairs in my crawl space on frozen pipes, then went into the woods and got firewood, split and stacked it together. It was absolutely the most wonderful feeling of togetherness with a man that I have had since way before I had my son.

So things are moving along fine, I am happy and comfortable, but am wondering if I should be cautious and have a relationship talk with him or let it go. We see eachotehr spontaneously almost every day, we have inside jokes together, It's not all about sex, but the sex is great. He is very interested in my family, what makes me tick. All good stuff. He had me over for dinner with his Mom and Grandma. I guess my heart is already invested in him.

I don't want to be pushy or change things but I wonder if I need to talk about them to make sure they are what they semm to be...

Ubers, slightly disbelieveing her recent good fortune and enjoying meeting friends here on the Single Mom's board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:49pm

You know, fivesense, I'm in agreement with you. My current situation could almost be the perfect example of this.

Double D and I have not had the talk, in any way, shape, or form. We've only dated a few times, yes, but there has been absolutely no mention of it going anywhere. He's wonderful company, and I always have a lot of fun when I'm with him, but I'm getting impatient with the lack of momentum our dating has had recently.

OLD-guy however, states very clearly that he wants to be in a committed relationship. He also calls just to say hi (without being needy, clingy or annoying about it), and is very open about looking forward to spending time with me. I'm trying not to place too much emphasis on OLD-guy just yet, as we haven't even met, and we may not have any chemistry at all.

However, from their preliminary actions alone, I think it is blatantly obvious that OLD-guy is more open to making room in his life, and sharing his life, with someone than Double D is, at least right now. OLD-guy would be the guy to initiate the talk very quickly, and Double D is the guy who is perfectly content to go with the flow indefinitely. I shouldn't compare them, I know, but it's almost impossible not to.

Moody, thinking in terms of apples and oranges


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:08pm
You really have a point. My last two exes made the talk an absolute nightmare and they would have never brought it up themselves. I think there is a kind of guy though that just assumes if there is a lot of time being spent and family being introduced and they have talked like the OP about the fact that being physical means something to them that we will read those signs and know there is something real going on. I know a lot of women have been burned assuming things though. The bf I have now was much like yours in that he made things clear pretty quickly. Men arent THAT different than women are they? I mean if I had been dating someone since Sept even off and on I would want to know what we were to one another ( if not just to answer the exclusivity question) and I think a guy who really likes you should be wondering the same thing. I posted on another board not long ago that I would think the guy should start asking questions just to be sure everyone is on the same page once he is really invested and I think that does happen a lot of the time. When things are just cruising along and nobody has the guts to ask, the feelings cant be that serious IMO. I think, just as you said, that when a guy really likes a girl they are eager to seal the deal and make it exclusive. I remember my bf talking to me after our first date about exclusivity but to him it is just his way of getting to know someone. We had waited a bit to get to date 1 so I guess we were already kind of warmed up but he told me he only dated one person at a time and when I asked why he said he figured there was enough time for him to go through women one at a time until he found the one. It struck me as funny. Neither one of us was the dating around type. But it took us months to get to the boyfriend/girlfriend titles. The thing is, most people have learned on this board that exclusivity, rings, the works (!!!) dont mean anything in terms of a guarantee. All you can ask is for someone to be true to you and themselves ( which it sounds like the OP already has) and then see how it pans out. Her heart will be at risk as long as she has fallen for him just as his is most likely and a conversation doesnt take that away.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:02pm

Wow you guys have me shakin' in my boots!!

I think he takes things very seriously, and so he goes slowly best he can. Sometimes, honestly, I think he's cautious because he thinks he is worried about bolwing things with me, too. this could be all wishful thinking and I may be juts Ms. "Good enough for now" I sure hope not!!

He is just so sweet when I see him. He always (Unless my son is in the room) gives me a nice slow open lipped kiss first thing when he sees me. And then looks me in the eyes with a big smile. If he knows I am on my way, he waits by his window for me. awwww. If I am visiting at his house, the next thing after the kiss and warm look and smile, he is handing me his slippers as I take my shoes off because my feet get cold (hypothyroidism). Then he offers me the seat right by the wood stove and brings me coffee, water or wine and another big hug ans a smile.

I can't believe he's just going through the motions to get laid or to pass the time. He likes keeping to himself and I am certain he could get easy sex from lots of women at the university where he works if that's what he wanted. Why mess with someone with a kid who lives close by where we are both good friends with all the neighbors and a breakup could be uncomfortable?

The proximity hasn't been used for quickie sex, we have only been intimate on planned dates, so it isn't a matter of convenience.

Wow! Now I am really oevr analyzing!

Okay. Time for a pot of tea.

Ubers, now feeling totally worried :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:16pm
Uhoh I think you missed the point of my posts. I think you are more worried about getting your heart broken which is something you cannot CANNOT avoid if you open it up to someone which it seems you have. You can have all sorts of conversations with him that define your emotions or exclusivity with one another, his plans, yours, everyones intentions and still things might not work out. I say this to let you know to just learn to enjoy things as they are because the reassurance you are looking for cannot be found in a conversation. You might as well lean back and enjoy yourself because once your heart is engaged there are very few guarantees and if you spend too much time analyzing you will miss this really sweet good beginning you are having. Your guy might be one of the ones I referred to who gives all the right signals and expects you to pick up on them. I think you have picked up on them and have realized you are falling for him and are starting to get a little spooked but this is good news right? If you didnt care either way, this wouldnt be a love story in the making now would it? Drink your tea but know that we werent trying to worry you. I think the fact that you are worried is par for the course and actually the first real sign you might have found love. Its good news for goodness sake!! This is why people date for the most part - to find someone they care about and might want to spend a signficiant amount of time with. The nervousness and the willies are all part of the ride:) if you really think it will help then by all means talk to him - my feeling is that you will not lose this risky feeling you are having no amtter what is discussed though. Your heart has engaged and that is a risky business when you havent gone there in a while. I think you should be celebrating this because it shows your capacity for love and embracing new people into you and your son's life.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:45pm

Uber, I know I'm all over the place here, but I think that's probably my own thoughts about my own life getting in the way.

From what you write about him, it is so obvious that this guy is into you. I don't know about you, but I don't know a whole heck of a lot of guys who help Ms-Good-Enough-For-Now with her plumbing issues and behave as sweetly as a person can. If it were a booty call, that'd be all it was. If it were a FWB situation, there'd be a whole lot less sweetness.

Don't think too much about this- enjoy it for what it is, since it sounds absolutely wonderful!!

Moody, absorbing the happiness


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