Ugg.. cringing and walking on eggshells.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Ugg.. cringing and walking on eggshells.
35
Mon, 08-11-2008 - 6:00pm

Why is it that I'm scared to death of the 30 day mark? I seriously think its about time for therapy. I cannot keep a man past 30 days to save my life. I don't know what it is! So now that Medic has my full attention I"m realizing that its almost been 30 days since our first date, I'm officially smitten with him, and just waiting for him to end things.


We joked in the beginning of me being the queen of 30 days or less. So I made a comment yesterday about Ah-Oh, you're creeping up on the thirty day mark.. better watch out! He responds with "Well, I guess we should talk then". Why must I assume that I'm about to get dumped? Lol.. I am so on eggshells right now and just needing some kind of confirmation I think?


He just got back from the beach on Friday. He was so wonderful while he was gone. He called and sent a picture every day he was there. We saw eachother for a few hours on Saturday and it was wonderful.. but our goodbye kiss was ruined by the horrid stetch of my garbage can lol! I honest to god have such an insane fear of being dumped out of the blue that the thought even crossed my mind that he'll dump me because my trash smelled so bad. "Oh she's disgusting, how could I ever live with someone like that" seriously!


He originally wanted to see me Wed. but I have to work. So I said well, actually we could go swimming in the afternoon and I got the "No, I have to study". Then he's off Thurs. night at 6pm, so I asked if we could spend the evening together and I got the "No, I have plans" so I'm beginning to get very insecure I guess. His difficult schedule is part of the reason why I like him so much. He's working so so hard for a better life (education) and I admire that SO much!


After the heart breaker I just feel like nothing is a good sign. Everything can seem perfect and then be over in the blink of an eye. And after my marriage I just constantly feel like I"m not good enough, and given enough time men will discover this: aka within 30 days.


I don't know what to do to stop feeling this way. I feel so self conscious about everything in my life not being good enough. I'm thinking once school starts I might start therapy or something.. I can go during the day I guess. I can't afford it.. might look into United Way or something.


Thanks for letting me vent :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 2:54pm

Well I understand that feeling of uncertainty. Every guy I know or have dated has done some variation of that- big or small. I think men get to a point of intimacy then get a little anxious about that vulnerability. They start wondering "where is this going" and they need to get a mental perspective on things so they cool off. Sometime for good, sometimes just for a while. Its just not in most men's psychological make up to communicate those things with you- as women we would call and talk it out and let them know that we need some time. But most men don't relate to our need to communicate these things up front, they just work differently.


Hang in there and i agree withthe others. Let it be, don't call or text again till he contacts you. Let things unfold and give him space, but at the same time I see no harm in moving forward with your life and doin your own thang :o)


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 3:14pm
We both work tonight, and he always calls if he is on his way to my hospital. So.. guess I shouldn't call and give him the number I'm on then? Ugg. I'm so blunt about this type of thing.. I'm the type to call him and be like ok.. so what gives? Lol.. trying really hard not to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 3:23pm

I totally know how you feel - and I know it STINKS!

BUT, I also feel that there is a time in your single life, where you get a balance of work, friends, family and other things that are so important that you don't care about dating so much. You start to love yourself more and the goal becomes to find a guy who is into you and who is more about a relationship than amusement and instant gratification - a keeper - and you are more about finding one of those than worrying about passing the 30 day mark. In other words, you will toughen up and be more concerned about what you are getting than if a guy is going to dump you.

I think with this one - it is too soon to tell.

Do you really think he is ready to settle down? And he knows the field and thinks you are the best deal? Because THAT is what you really want. THAT, along with the feeling that you are getting a good deal with him. Otherwise, dump him! LOL!!

Hang in there - I love what the others all write to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 3:27pm

Wow I can relate...BTDT!


But......try VERY HARD to not call. Because it sets up a pattern early on. He needs to do the persuing right now. If you do, then he gets off easy and "knows" you will always persue him. Who wants that?


He really seems to like you from what you have said in earlier posts. Let HIS mind start to wonder what YOU'RE up to. He will evenually call you. And what has worked for me is to be pretty casual when he does call. Like "Hey, what's up" ...and don't make a thing out of his not calling. Except to maybe say something sweet like "missed your voice yesterday" but without prying for information as to what he's been up to. I find they respond better to sugar than vinager. Like flies, LOL.


Keep us posted. Now I need to know, lol!!


~Pacific~



Edited 8/12/2008 3:29 pm ET by pacific_sun
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 3:32pm

Well, Medic came on pretty strong from the get go.. and I was the one reserved and holding back. It feels like just days after I finally opened up and decided I was going to open myself up to him he starts to back off. Which, has made me feel like maybe he's just a chaser.


I don't know, I mean we've made bday plans (him in october, me in november). I've been picking up extra shifts like crazy to afford these tickets. I told you about how wonderful he was when he was out of town, even brought me some gifts back. That was just a few days ago! Uggg.


I'm backing off though... I jump anytime my phone rings. It just rang as I typed this and I was all excited for a min lol. Doh it was the alarm on my phone though.. lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 9:10pm

I am sorry that you have this anxiety. Why can't life be easier????


I read Dating without Drama by Paige Parker. She talks about a period early in relationships where the men really cool off and step back. If you can remain cool and make your life busy without him, he will see that you are not pursuing him and he may come back. She offers great advice and tips. I recommend it. Keep us posted.


It may feel like you are not in control if you don't call him and ask what is the deal. However, you are in control...you are just moving in a different direction. Make him worry about if he has lost you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 08-12-2008 - 9:33pm

It may feel like you are not in control if you don't call him and ask what is the deal. However, you are in control...you are just moving in a different direction. Make him worry about if he has lost you!


I like that advice, peri.. thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 8:00am
I read Paige Parker and I like her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 9:25am

I am happy that he is coming back around. I just hope this is not a pattern. That could get exhausting.


I like Paige Parker as well. However, I still have not met anyone and I really don't know what the problem is...I get out and about and I have also been single for 6 years. I am trying not to get a complex about it. I feel like I am living vicariously through all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 11:25am

I've got the book for you "How To Get A Date Worth Keeping" by Henry Cloud. I found this to be the best dating book i've ever read.... well, after reading it, i didn't need to read another. After my divorce, i didn't know how to get back into dating and it had been two years. After chapter 2, i got my first post divorce date. I've been recommending that book on the boards ever since (not sure if anyone else has read it, though).


loonybunny