Ugg.. cringing and walking on eggshells.
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| Mon, 08-11-2008 - 6:00pm |
Why is it that I'm scared to death of the 30 day mark? I seriously think its about time for therapy. I cannot keep a man past 30 days to save my life. I don't know what it is! So now that Medic has my full attention I"m realizing that its almost been 30 days since our first date, I'm officially smitten with him, and just waiting for him to end things.
We joked in the beginning of me being the queen of 30 days or less. So I made a comment yesterday about Ah-Oh, you're creeping up on the thirty day mark.. better watch out! He responds with "Well, I guess we should talk then". Why must I assume that I'm about to get dumped? Lol.. I am so on eggshells right now and just needing some kind of confirmation I think?
He just got back from the beach on Friday. He was so wonderful while he was gone. He called and sent a picture every day he was there. We saw eachother for a few hours on Saturday and it was wonderful.. but our goodbye kiss was ruined by the horrid stetch of my garbage can lol! I honest to god have such an insane fear of being dumped out of the blue that the thought even crossed my mind that he'll dump me because my trash smelled so bad. "Oh she's disgusting, how could I ever live with someone like that" seriously!
He originally wanted to see me Wed. but I have to work. So I said well, actually we could go swimming in the afternoon and I got the "No, I have to study". Then he's off Thurs. night at 6pm, so I asked if we could spend the evening together and I got the "No, I have plans" so I'm beginning to get very insecure I guess. His difficult schedule is part of the reason why I like him so much. He's working so so hard for a better life (education) and I admire that SO much!
After the heart breaker I just feel like nothing is a good sign. Everything can seem perfect and then be over in the blink of an eye. And after my marriage I just constantly feel like I"m not good enough, and given enough time men will discover this: aka within 30 days.
I don't know what to do to stop feeling this way. I feel so self conscious about everything in my life not being good enough. I'm thinking once school starts I might start therapy or something.. I can go during the day I guess. I can't afford it.. might look into United Way or something.
Thanks for letting me vent :)

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Thanks Loony,
Two things... I don't have a rockin' body like yours and I don't go out much at night. Where do you meet men????
JH
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
JH
Yes, I have a small update.
I never heard from him yesterday either. No call at work, no morning text like always. I caved today and sent a text saying "Can I at least get a reason why you're not speaking to me?" I know, I'm horrible and I'm realizing that I need to chill out before I piss this guy off :/
I got a response (I was in shock actually) "HUH? What are you talking about? I'm sorry. I didn't have service at the base yesterday, I was busy with clinicals the day before, and I've been studying all day today" I responded back with "I'm sorry, but not hearing from you for days is very out of character for you. We need to talk, when can we see eachother again?" Havn't heard back since that text. The "talk" that I want to have is just to kind of explain myself and why I am the way I am.
I'm not a jealous person, I don't wonder what he's doing or who he's with. But I have insecurities based on my history with men. Its something that he needs to understand or this isn't going to work. If a man wants to be with me and really likes me then going three days without talking is unacceptable for me. Its a respect issue.. and I feel like if three days is ok to them, then I'm really not high on the priority list regardless of how busy you are. I understand being busy.. but a text saying good morning while you're on your way to work goes a VERY very long way.
I agree! I would feel the same way, TJ (can we call you that?).
I wonder about his statement ""HUH? What are you talking about?". Because after almost three days it's pretty obvious.
Oh Oh, you know he is freaking b/c you used the "WE NEED TO TALK" phrase! Yikes.
Lol.. well you're so right about "the talk" thing haha. Last night I checked my voicemail while on break and there was a msg from him. I did NOT call to give him my work cell number like I always do.. so it was on my regular cell.
Anyway, he sounded totally exhausted for one. He said I'm sorry about 3 times, and just with clinicals being 16 hours on sunday he had no desire to do anything but just get home and sleep (remember I was working 7p to 7a.. so I was wide awake and wanting to hear from him on his way home at 3am). Anyway, and that his new base is giving him grief on his cell coverage (weak excuse in my opinion.. umm 24 hour shift and you can't walk outside to get a signal?), and then that he was studying for a test he's in no way ready for. Oh, and that he got his phone bill and it was 275.00 so the thought of picking up the phone is making him cringe these days lol. What made all his excuses good in my book is that the poor guy sounded exhausted.
So.. this morning (like a normal routine) I sent him a good morning text saying "Hope you kick butt on your test!! I'm going to send you an email at some point today"He responds quickly with "Why? Is there something wrong? Whats going on?" I had to laugh. I replied with "No worries, you have an awesome day".
Oh, and as for exclusive Medic was wanting that from date one.. he came on very strong and while he was at the beach I told him that I'm right there with him.. he has 110% of my attention now, and its all about him. He said "about time" LOL.
So the email today is not going to be confronting or accusatory.. its just a simple explanation of why I am the way I am, what I expect and why.
yay.. that was a good
I believe that all part of being in an intimate, loving relationship is communication of what is important for us and accepting the other person for the essence of who they are and not sweat the small stuff.
I am not sure if you clearly communicated to him how important it is to you on the frequency of communication or not. On the other hand, if you put the shoe on the other foot and give him grace. Deal with your insecurities and own that rather than putting him on eggshells.
Does that make sense?
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Mark,
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