Ugg.. cringing and walking on eggshells.
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| Mon, 08-11-2008 - 6:00pm |
Why is it that I'm scared to death of the 30 day mark? I seriously think its about time for therapy. I cannot keep a man past 30 days to save my life. I don't know what it is! So now that Medic has my full attention I"m realizing that its almost been 30 days since our first date, I'm officially smitten with him, and just waiting for him to end things.
We joked in the beginning of me being the queen of 30 days or less. So I made a comment yesterday about Ah-Oh, you're creeping up on the thirty day mark.. better watch out! He responds with "Well, I guess we should talk then". Why must I assume that I'm about to get dumped? Lol.. I am so on eggshells right now and just needing some kind of confirmation I think?
He just got back from the beach on Friday. He was so wonderful while he was gone. He called and sent a picture every day he was there. We saw eachother for a few hours on Saturday and it was wonderful.. but our goodbye kiss was ruined by the horrid stetch of my garbage can lol! I honest to god have such an insane fear of being dumped out of the blue that the thought even crossed my mind that he'll dump me because my trash smelled so bad. "Oh she's disgusting, how could I ever live with someone like that" seriously!
He originally wanted to see me Wed. but I have to work. So I said well, actually we could go swimming in the afternoon and I got the "No, I have to study". Then he's off Thurs. night at 6pm, so I asked if we could spend the evening together and I got the "No, I have plans" so I'm beginning to get very insecure I guess. His difficult schedule is part of the reason why I like him so much. He's working so so hard for a better life (education) and I admire that SO much!
After the heart breaker I just feel like nothing is a good sign. Everything can seem perfect and then be over in the blink of an eye. And after my marriage I just constantly feel like I"m not good enough, and given enough time men will discover this: aka within 30 days.
I don't know what to do to stop feeling this way. I feel so self conscious about everything in my life not being good enough. I'm thinking once school starts I might start therapy or something.. I can go during the day I guess. I can't afford it.. might look into United Way or something.
Thanks for letting me vent :)

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Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! :(
When Medic asked me what I wanted from the beach I said just something simple that makes me think of him when I look at it. So he brought me back this glass bottle filled with sand, and seashells, with a cork. It was perfect.. exactly what I wanted. Just simple, and cute to put in the kitchen or bathroom or something. So I had set it on top of my fridge.
I went to put some ice in my drink a while ago and smash it fell to the ground in a million pieces :( It didn't even survive one week in my house.. and it wasn't the fault of the girls! lol
Crap, we're rather rocky right now and I had to go and smash his gift. If I could afford to drive to myrtle beach and replace it I would! LOL
Fudge :(
GG Michelle! You're going to ruin this ALL on your own! lol
Big update!
So, I sent Medic a text asking if we were still on for Saturday, and I got a "We need to talk, I'll call you later" text back. Yikes.. kiss of death text in my book lol.
Anyway, my email freaked him out.. sigh, good one eh? I am no good at putting sugar coating on anything, or being political. So, I basically explained a bit about my marriage, and my heartbreaker to try to explain to him why when you do a 180 on me I go into defense mode. He said it sounded like an obsession and it freaked him out. I was like obsessed with you, or obsessed with insecurities? He said insecurities. I said listen, we can call it that if you want.. but it takes so very little to make me happy. Also, now I know that not hearing from you for a few days is a sign of nothing. I said maybe I should not have jumped into something serious again so soon after heartbreaker, because I'm just walking on eggshells here. He said "well to late for that" lol. He said he's not breaking up with me.. he just dosn't know how to handle this, and he's still freaked out.
I said ya know, many women experience insecurities like this but they're more slick and able to hide it and play the cool game. Thats not me, if something is bothering me I'm going to just come out and tell you. But yah.. you could tell he was really tired, off track, and confused on the phone. I feel bad now that I flipped on him :(
We both agreed that this is one of those things in the beginning of a relationship that you either get through or break up over, and he said again I'm not breaking up with you. He is also really down and out financially, and I think thats why he blew me off earlier in the week. He was talking about the phone bill and being broke and embarassed by it, and having just enough gas for the week ect. He's super bummed about it. I was like listen.. I know all to well about all that, you don't need to be embarassed of that with me. I can relate too.. I have flat out lied in the past about why I can't go do something because I couldn't afford it. Why do I fall for the broke struggeling one? LOL.
So any suggestions here? I need to be able to put him at ease. I think time will heal this though, just me calming down and not making big assumptions over everything.
Update to my update LOL: He send me a text just now saying "Sorry I had to get off the phone so quickly, my partner walked in. I'll call you later" I responded with "Tell him he owes you 2.99 a min for disrupting your morning love links call" LOL
Calm down... take some deep breaths. I don't want to see you scare this guy away.
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