Ugh! Long vent (enter at own risk)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Ugh! Long vent (enter at own risk)
25
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 2:03pm
So my mom calls me at work to tell me that "we never really got to talk in depth about your new BF (Tony)" She always does this - always waits till I feel happy to say something to hurt me or as she calls it 'open my eyes'.
Ok I say, what did you want to tell me. Well he seems a lot like your ex husband.....at this point I am in tears.....he mumbles when he talks and he has that nervous leg thing (bounces leg) and he has a lot of loose ends to tie up. I am also concerned that he isn't divorced yet, and I think that you are playing family too much. It is confusing to L (my daughter). I explained to my mom that his divorce is moving as fast as possible, and that we introduced the kids because there were some family parties we were invited to. I mentioned that we do not kiss or hug or anything in front of the kids. I do admit that L is a little confused because she hears Tony's son call him dad so she repeats it, but she is 18 months old - how can I explain it to her?! Then my mom proceeds to say that we are not dating - we are acting as a family already. Where is the dating? I'll admit that it has been a few weeks since the two of us went out alone. But he is taking me out for the whole day/night on Friday for my bday. My mom has no idea that he comes over to my house after L goes to sleep, she also has no idea that we are sleeping together. She proceeded to say that the relationship is going to fast and that we are creating a family when we don't even really know each other. She feels Tony is "replacing his wife" thru me because he isn't even divorced yet and he is already in love with me. (she didn't give more specifics for that) She feels that I am also going backwards because Tony has a lot of loose ends - ie his divorce and a business that was failing so he owes a lot of money. My mom knows I have a tendency to meet men at the worst stage of their life, and then they meet me, I fix them and they leave me. I agree with her on that, so I am trying my best to stay out of all of the loose ends he has to tie. Tony claims that when he asks me to be with him - marry him - he will be "fixed" already so I won't have any doubts. Tony knows this is a HUGE issue for me, because I don't want to feel used anymore. I was used by my college bf, used by my husband, now exh, and I don't have the strength to recover from another blow like that. Like I didn't feel insecure enough about my life....my mom knows that I am always second guessing myself especially in the relationships department. I am sooooo upset at work right now! I am fighting back the tears! I just don't understand why I have to go thru the same thing whenever I meet someone. Could I really be meeting the same type of guy over and over again?! Or does my mother word it so that it would appear that I was?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 4:28pm

Moms can have a way of getting under your skin. Sometimes my mom has been right on her opinions and sometimes she has been WAY off. I find it is easier if she doesn't know the details to my private life. Right now I really emphasize only speaking to her about her grandson and what she wants to hear. Maybe you should consider the same?

Okay. She does have a point with him not being divorced yet and you playing house and skipping the casual dating thing. But the flip side to that is that you both have kids and it is not like you can drop everything and just go to the movies on a date so easy so I can see that, too.

How bad is his financial situation? Is it something he can fix or something that will literally destroy him? How soon will his divorce be final?

If you do have a history of making bad decisions you need to take a hard look so you don't keep repeating the same mistakes. Did you take a lot of time to heal from your divorce and get back on your two feet?

I think that you should try to focus on yourself more than this relationship right now. So if it goes okay after his divorce that is good and if it doesn't then you are okay. When you said you can't recover from another blow that is sort of huge to me - you need to be capable to take that risk or you shouldn't be taking it.

Any relationship is a risk. And you must realize that with your circumstances you are taker a bigger-than-usual risk. I will wait to hear what you say to my questions about his finances and divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 5:04pm

I am relatively new so I apologize if I come across as too forward in my response. But I have 1) dated newly divorced guys 2) played family too soon and 3) dated the "same guy" over and over. I think there are serious risks to all three and perhaps you should take things cautiously. (By the way, before I begin, most of my friends call me " Mamma G" because I do tend towards motherly advice...)


I beleive, 100%, that we shouldnt date someone

Gina/39/FL 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 6:38pm

I'm sorry about your mom saying all that. But part of the reason it might hurt so much is some of her advice could be correct. It still hurts, becuase most of all you need your mother to be supportive of you.

It took a long time in therapy to find the similarities between my x-bf and all my previous relationships. But they were there. I don't think he was the same guy as my ex-h or my relationships before that, but not making the same relationship mistakes is very hard to do. You really have to know why you picked your past relationships and what made them unhealthy and what your part in all that was before you can make a real change.

Just take your time with this guy and don't get your life too mixed up in his, and see what happens. It will all work out for the best, either with him or without him. If things do work with him, your mom will hopefully come around. Really I think her comments are out of concern for you and not wanting to see you hurt again.

(((HUGS)))) I hate crying (or having to hold back) at work. I hope you are feeling a little better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:06pm
Do you mind if I ask what the similarities were? How did you find them? I am betting this is a truly valid point.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:07pm

I don't know much about your mom or your relationship with your mom, but what you wrote here appears to be your mothers honest concerns about your new relationship. If some of the things she says are true, then I might be concerned as well. Ask yourself some of these very tough questions:

1) How long have you two been dating?
2) What do your dates consist of? Do you go out/spend quality time getting to know eachother...or does he just come over after your dd falls asleep and you sleep together?
3) Reality is, you are dating a married man. He is not divorced yet. Are you comfortable with this? I would not get to deeply immersed into this relationship until that takes place.
4) What are things about Tony that you really like and what are the things you don't?
5) What do you WISH he was or would do, and is he or does he do these things already or do you have to fix him to make it there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:36pm

The main thing is that in both my relationship with my x-bf and all my prior relationships I put their needs first and mine last, which creates an imbalanced relationship. I'm not sure if I pick people that want imbalance like that or if I create it by my actions. I think my relationship with my x-bf started out healthy and ended up imbalanced, whatever the reasons were, I was okay with that for too long.

I think there were some other similarities, but they were hard to see because my x-bf is so different from all my other relationships and the relationship itself was nothing like I had experienced before. However, I have somewhat of a mental block against these differences so I'll have to ask my therapist to remind me what other one's there were :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 8:49pm

That is what I tend to do, too. I think that is natural of women in general to some extent. Which is why we need a guy "that into us" -------

I think we deserve to get nothing less than someone who is capable and willing of bringing goodness to our lives - and this is the real thing - not something in our imagination for what their potential might be.

mixedupmom2b - are you listening!!?? After reading all of these posts I think you are repeating your past and settling in exchange for a warm body. Be careful, girl!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 9:25pm

To be honest, I think you're upset with your mother because she is pointing out those things that you KNOW are there, but are choosing NOT to see. You're so wrapped up in the relationship that you're not being objective and ensuring that he's a good match before going further. While you can wave away her thoughts as a mean spirited mother, you may want to just take a deep breath and internalize what she is saying- and then look at it from an outsiders view. Think if there is anything that comes up that you would caution a friend in the same situation. It may be something big, may be small- you may be able to discuss it with your boyfriend, or it may be a deal breaker- but you need to look at it all.

My main concern is the money comment. How long have you guys been together, and you've lent him money to get out of debt? That to me is a serious no-no. He should not be taking money from a single mom- no matter WHAT the circumstance is, or how much money you make. If he decided to end things with you, what about the money? If he's gotten himself in a financial problem, it's not up to you to rescue him or fix him. Keep your money, you need it for your own child and your own finances. I would never, EVER give a guy I was dating a loan to help him out- why is it your problem if he can't manage his finances? There are banks for that sort of thing, and if they won't help him- maybe there's a reason for it.

It's not like you're married and then you discussed him going back to school or starting his own business and making that decision together. This man was in debt when you met him and you gave him your money. I can certainly see where this would distress your mother, it distresses me!

The fact that he is not yet divorced is a concern if he hasn't had sufficient time to work through the marriage and it's failure. You do not need to be a rebound relationship, and the fact that you said you're not "strong enough to recover from another blow" tells me that you may not truly be ready for a relationship right now either. There is a difference between filling the void and having a healthy relationship- just ensure you're not just with this guy and settling for the "as is" because you're lonely or afraid of being alone.

While your daughter may be young, she is shaping her world daily. She is calling your bf daddy because she sees and hears his son refer to him as that, all you need to do is gently remind her that his name is Tony.

So, I don't believe that your mother is just making every guy sound the same, she's seeing the pattern that has hurt you in the past and just wanted to point out the similarities so you're aware. She is concerned for your well being and that of your daughter's. Sure, it may not be what you want to hear, but be cautious and open your eyes to what she is saying. Most of all, please do not lend him any more money, and if you have not already, sit down and draw up a plan for him to repay the money he's borrowed.

Make sure you're not settling for just anyone before you continue with this man.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 9:23am

Ok let me see if I can answer everyone.

I have been divorced since October. We have known each other since March and starting dating in May when he was separated. We became intimate in July. His financial situation sucks, but it is fixable, and he has to do it on his own. I DID NOT lend him money (I can't afford to).

Some of the things I love about him - he is upfront and honest, he is a good father, he once had a successful business and he has the intelligence to do it again, he is sensitive, he is romantic, he is the kind of guy who will tell me he is running to the store and ask if I need anything, he is supportive of my decisions, he listens, he cares about my opinion, he has values, he has a good family, and finally the sex is good!

Some things I am concerned about - he isn't as aggressive as I am, he doesn't make quick decisions in areas that I think need to have quick decisions. Lately he seems to second guess himself, and keeps asking me his mom and friends if he is making the right decision. He has a lot of great ideas but can't seem to get himself organized or priortized to get the ideas initiated.

I realize that we got involved quickly but he said straight out, he knew in March he couldn't let me pass him by, so he waited till he was at least legally separated. (My parents met the same way and they have been married 32 years)

We had a long talk last night (yes a talk at my place - no sex) and I mentioned these things to him. I also mentioned that I wanted to cool off the "family" thing. He agreed that we need to date more and be family less - even if it costs a fortune in sitters. He agreed that he hasn't been aggressive and that he is working on that, he said he has been feeling insecure about his life lately. I can relate because I was the same way in my divorce. He was glad that I could be so objective because NEITHER of us want to go thru bad marriages and divorce again. He just asks that I be patient, his divorce should be final by Xmas (we are hoping) and he really wants me in his life cause he thinks we would be a great team.

I feel a lot better. I didn't cry. I wrote down what my mother pointed out so I could remember what I wanted to tell Tony.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 11:35am

It sounds like you are on the right track so far with what you see and how you handled everything.

Part of his "hesitation" might just be having to go through the divorce process - I remember being totally unable to really prioritize, organize and think during that time. I think it is even harder for men going through that process.

But I do think everything that everyone here says, along with your mom, has some merit. You will just have to keep your eyes open and wait and see.

I hope that it works out the way that you want. But if it doesn't, or you need help, we are always here.

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