Ugh! Long vent (enter at own risk)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Ugh! Long vent (enter at own risk)
25
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 2:03pm
So my mom calls me at work to tell me that "we never really got to talk in depth about your new BF (Tony)" She always does this - always waits till I feel happy to say something to hurt me or as she calls it 'open my eyes'.
Ok I say, what did you want to tell me. Well he seems a lot like your ex husband.....at this point I am in tears.....he mumbles when he talks and he has that nervous leg thing (bounces leg) and he has a lot of loose ends to tie up. I am also concerned that he isn't divorced yet, and I think that you are playing family too much. It is confusing to L (my daughter). I explained to my mom that his divorce is moving as fast as possible, and that we introduced the kids because there were some family parties we were invited to. I mentioned that we do not kiss or hug or anything in front of the kids. I do admit that L is a little confused because she hears Tony's son call him dad so she repeats it, but she is 18 months old - how can I explain it to her?! Then my mom proceeds to say that we are not dating - we are acting as a family already. Where is the dating? I'll admit that it has been a few weeks since the two of us went out alone. But he is taking me out for the whole day/night on Friday for my bday. My mom has no idea that he comes over to my house after L goes to sleep, she also has no idea that we are sleeping together. She proceeded to say that the relationship is going to fast and that we are creating a family when we don't even really know each other. She feels Tony is "replacing his wife" thru me because he isn't even divorced yet and he is already in love with me. (she didn't give more specifics for that) She feels that I am also going backwards because Tony has a lot of loose ends - ie his divorce and a business that was failing so he owes a lot of money. My mom knows I have a tendency to meet men at the worst stage of their life, and then they meet me, I fix them and they leave me. I agree with her on that, so I am trying my best to stay out of all of the loose ends he has to tie. Tony claims that when he asks me to be with him - marry him - he will be "fixed" already so I won't have any doubts. Tony knows this is a HUGE issue for me, because I don't want to feel used anymore. I was used by my college bf, used by my husband, now exh, and I don't have the strength to recover from another blow like that. Like I didn't feel insecure enough about my life....my mom knows that I am always second guessing myself especially in the relationships department. I am sooooo upset at work right now! I am fighting back the tears! I just don't understand why I have to go thru the same thing whenever I meet someone. Could I really be meeting the same type of guy over and over again?! Or does my mother word it so that it would appear that I was?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 8:43pm

But you would have to live with the aftermath of bankrupcy for a long time - like 7 years. You would not be able to get financing on a house or car - and if you did the interest rate would be very high. He would not even be able to get a credit card. I would worry that if he did that once he would do it again. But that is just me - I know I have to have someone who is responsible with money and who will have something to offer that is equal to me financially.

It sounds to me like you are more ready for a relationship then he is. I think he is a nice guy, and into you, but I worry for you that you may be more of a crutch or nursemaid for him at this point in his life. He has only a shred of emotional and sexual intimacy to offer you now because that is what he needs. And I think you sort of have needed the same thing.

Just be careful and a little busy with your own life. Work on you and concentrate on you. Somewhere I remember someone quoting Dr. Phil as saying, "ask yourself, how does this work for me?" and stick to that. Don't let yourself down.

I think that you have received good advice and you have really put some great thoughts on paper for yourself in the process. I think it has been good for you to write down everything - this has sort of been a relationship check up or snap shot for you so to speak. You see where you are and what you have to work on. And that is a good thing.

My list was only meant to show you what happens when you do spend the time alone. This is not always easy to just be alone when you like someone. That is love and life. But I can say that the amount of time alone I have had has made me more picky and taken me to a much higher level. I would want the same for you and for everyone here.

One thing that you did not mention - why do you like him? Do you two have things that you share mutually - like goals, opinions of life, interests, stuff like that?

I have to go now - but I do wish you well while I am away. Keep us posted - love is a funny thing - when it is meant to be it gets stronger in time. It is good for both people. And we have no control over it really. We can only control ourselves and not let ourselves be a doormat.

HUGS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 11:30pm

There's some great thoughts in this thread!

I think you're on the right track for the most part, you're evaluating the situation and communicating with him about concerns.

I must disagree though that declaring bankruptcy is "not so bad". There must be other options that he can seek to repay the debt and rebuild himself. If he goes bankrupt, then he may then have to rely on you and your credit- not an option I would want! He should be seeking financial advice, talking to the credit councellors and the bank to figure out a solution.

But take things slow, communicate at every opportunity and keep things open and honest between you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 1:03pm
He is consulting with tax attorneys and other professionals regarding his credit. I am NOT saying that I think bankruptcy is something I am ok with. I am saying that it is something people must do, including my aunt. You don't even know my aunt so no need to be judgemental there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 9:20pm

Sounds like he's covering all his options, and that's great.

Sorry if you thought I was being judgemental of your aunt, not what I was trying to impart.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 4:51pm

There have been major bankruptcy law changes just recently.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

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