All I have read and from my personal experience is that relationships come to a make-or-break point around that 10 month mark. I guess it is when people start settling into more of who they are, the stars come out of their eyes and the passion dies down.
Your BF has been included in your children’s lives. Because of him being part of their lives, they are now affected by what he does and your relationship with him. Common wisdom says not to include one’s boy/girlfriend with your children (especially young children) until there is a high probability of a long term or permanent commitment because of the possibility of losing that emotional attachment yet again, losing yet another parental figure in the children’s lives.
I know I cannot control another person’s behavior but I know what I would deem acceptable and I know I can express my request for the other person to change their behavior. It sounds that you have been explicit and clear on what you want your BF to do. You know what is acceptable for your DD and not acceptable for your BF.
I have close relationships based on shared core values, responsible behavior, and each person owning their feelings and “stuff.”
I suspect you know what you need to do. Trust yourself.
I've been MIA for a week because of spring break, and so if you've posted more about this situation, I haven't read it yet...
But just based on this posting- I feel for you. You shouldn't be stuck in the middle, but yet you are- because you are the link between your DD and your BF. THEY would not be clashing heads or even near each other if it wasn't for you. So there's no way out of being in the middle, and having to tame the fire. I don't think you should leave it up to the 2 of them to work it out themselves exactly.
I know your DD is being "a normal teen" but at the same time, she should be learning some better ways of expressing herself. Especially if it's proven in the past- that those ways of venting doesn't help the situation, or work! Unless she is doing it on purpose to aggravate the BF... and in that case- she needs to know that THAT behavior isn't helping matters any either. I know that I wouldn't have liked to be told what to do or how to act when I was that age... so you're kind of up against a wall with the teen age group. But I do think she SHOULD learn to not just behave negatively, even if she is feeling negatively about someone. That's a lesson she will have to grasp if she is going to be a functional adult anyway... might as well start now. (my boys are gonna hate me when they are teens and I don't put up with the usual teen behavior!!!)
And as for the BF- he is an adult and I don't think he should be acting like a child when it comes to the clashes with your DD. He should try to take the high road... but from your post, I'm sensing that he is adding fuel to the fire rather than trying to prevent it. While he might have the right to want respect... he really shouldn't expect to GET it from a teen! Does he not remember what teens are like??? They will clash as long as he doesn't allow some of that to bounce off and not take things personally. Apparently he doesn't just let it slide as "normal teen behavior"
Your BF has been included in your children’s lives. Because of him being part of their lives, they are now affected by what he does and your relationship with him. Common wisdom says not to include one’s boy/girlfriend with your children (especially young children) until there is a high probability of a long term or permanent commitment because of the possibility of losing that emotional attachment yet again, losing yet another parental figure in the children’s lives.
It sounds to me like you two have 2 different core values on raising children. If I remember correctly, it sounded like he came from a home that was overly strict and mean to children and he expects you to raise them the same way he was raised. It also sounds like he has selfish judgments - meaning he is making judgments about you based on the way he feels and he is not allowing you to have autonomy. And then to top it off, he is childish around your child and adding fuel to the fire.
I don't know - you can try to hash it out and talk about it and see if you can come up with a different way to handle it. Maybe he can offer to read some parenting books about teens so he can be on the same page. Parenting has changed a good deal since he was a kid and there is tons written on how to handle things.
What exactly is going on between them - maybe if you explain it in detail we can come up with a simple solution that you did not think of?
I just think if you have three kids and his parenting idea is that different and he is that belligerent and uncooperative and immature and reactive, it is not a good sign and not going to get better with time. And what mom wants to compromise her relationship with her kids for a guy? But maybe your story will be more insightful.
So in detail what happened was...About 10pm DD13 asked if she could use the computer. It is in my entertainment room so I can supervize while they are on it. BF was sitting in the chair for the computer watching a movie with me and got up with a SIGH and a UGH then intentionally or not intentionally kicked the leg of the next chair he had to sit in so that started off the evening badly. Then at 11pm I asked DD13 to go watch tv in the family room computer time was over so she did. About 5 minutes later I hear DD13 telling her sister to go to bed. I said to DD13 that her sister could stay up and watch tv. Then DD13 says well I want to watch tv and she annoys me. I tell her to ignore her sister. DD13 says to me "But MOM I want to watch TV and she is making noises" Again I say ignore her. Now this to BF was disrespectful of my DD13 because he thinks I should have only had to tell her once to ingore her sister and that she should not have been trying to tell her sister to go to bed in the first place. So then BF gets mad at me for not just telling both girls to go to bed. It's friday night so I let them stay up. He says to me that they do not respect anyone. ( I just did not think it was a big deal) He gets up in a haste and walks out and everyone of us sat there shocked. I thought it was childish and I was upset by it.
So now you have THREE kids to deal with. If you think it is bad now, just wait. Your BF is immature and disrespects you by not following through with letting you handle things. Your Friday night sounds like a typical exchange between parents and teens. How would he handle things if you have REAL issues or problems with your kids? Steph
Okay - glad you typed that. In my opinion, your BF is totally impatient and selfish and intolerant of children.
I think it is great that you have your daughter use the computer where you can supervise - that shows to me that you are a very good and selfless mom - it would be far easier to allow her to do that in her room while you have peace and quiet. And sibling squawking, as they do, is not that big of a deal. I also think it is okay that they stay up on a Friday night -most kids do - we had a sleepover of DS and his friend and they were up late. It is all just what kids do!
The thing is, kids are people, too. And they are going to get into spats and breathe and exist and LIVE. There are two ways to look at them - 1) like they are wonderful people that you can help and co-mingle with and influence and learn from and enjoy OR 2) the route your BF takes - that they are a hassle and should be silent and not in his way.
If it was me - his tirade would get him a one way ticket to DUMPSVILLE. I just have no tolerance for anyone telling me what to do with my DS or treating him like he is a pain or making me feel like my good parenting is getting on his nerves. I think no matter what you do he would not be happy with it because they exist. I think his behavior was very selfish and over the top! (sorry!!)
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All I have read and from my personal experience is that relationships come to a make-or-break point around that 10 month mark. I guess it is when people start settling into more of who they are, the stars come out of their eyes and the passion dies down.
Your BF has been included in your children’s lives. Because of him being part of their lives, they are now affected by what he does and your relationship with him. Common wisdom says not to include one’s boy/girlfriend with your children (especially young children) until there is a high probability of a long term or permanent commitment because of the possibility of losing that emotional attachment yet again, losing yet another parental figure in the children’s lives.
I know I cannot control another person’s behavior but I know what I would deem acceptable and I know I can express my request for the other person to change their behavior. It sounds that you have been explicit and clear on what you want your BF to do. You know what is acceptable for your DD and not acceptable for your BF.
I have close relationships based on shared core values, responsible behavior, and each person owning their feelings and “stuff.”
I suspect you know what you need to do. Trust yourself.
Mark
I've been MIA for a week because of spring break, and so if you've posted more about this situation, I haven't read it yet...
But just based on this posting- I feel for you. You shouldn't be stuck in the middle, but yet you are- because you are the link between your DD and your BF. THEY would not be clashing heads or even near each other if it wasn't for you. So there's no way out of being in the middle, and having to tame the fire. I don't think you should leave it up to the 2 of them to work it out themselves exactly.
I know your DD is being "a normal teen" but at the same time, she should be learning some better ways of expressing herself. Especially if it's proven in the past- that those ways of venting doesn't help the situation, or work! Unless she is doing it on purpose to aggravate the BF... and in that case- she needs to know that THAT behavior isn't helping matters any either. I know that I wouldn't have liked to be told what to do or how to act when I was that age... so you're kind of up against a wall with the teen age group. But I do think she SHOULD learn to not just behave negatively, even if she is feeling negatively about someone. That's a lesson she will have to grasp if she is going to be a functional adult anyway... might as well start now. (my boys are gonna hate me when they are teens and I don't put up with the usual teen behavior!!!)
And as for the BF- he is an adult and I don't think he should be acting like a child when it comes to the clashes with your DD. He should try to take the high road... but from your post, I'm sensing that he is adding fuel to the fire rather than trying to prevent it. While he might have the right to want respect... he really shouldn't expect to GET it from a teen! Does he not remember what teens are like??? They will clash as long as he doesn't allow some of that to bounce off and not take things personally. Apparently he doesn't just let it slide as "normal teen behavior"
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Life is far easier when you find someone on the same page with parenting as you.
Your BF has been included in your children’s lives. Because of him being part of their lives, they are now affected by what he does and your relationship with him. Common wisdom says not to include one’s boy/girlfriend with your children (especially young children) until there is a high probability of a long term or permanent commitment because of the possibility of losing that emotional attachment yet again, losing yet another parental figure in the children’s lives.
Gee, it usually takes me two pages to say that!
It sounds to me like you two have 2 different core values on raising children. If I remember correctly, it sounded like he came from a home that was overly strict and mean to children and he expects you to raise them the same way he was raised. It also sounds like he has selfish judgments - meaning he is making judgments about you based on the way he feels and he is not allowing you to have autonomy. And then to top it off, he is childish around your child and adding fuel to the fire.
I don't know - you can try to hash it out and talk about it and see if you can come up with a different way to handle it. Maybe he can offer to read some parenting books about teens so he can be on the same page. Parenting has changed a good deal since he was a kid and there is tons written on how to handle things.
What exactly is going on between them - maybe if you explain it in detail we can come up with a simple solution that you did not think of?
I just think if you have three kids and his parenting idea is that different and he is that belligerent and uncooperative and immature and reactive, it is not a good sign and not going to get better with time. And what mom wants to compromise her relationship with her kids for a guy? But maybe your story will be more insightful.
So in detail what happened was...About 10pm DD13 asked if she could use the computer. It is in my entertainment room so I can supervize while they are on it. BF was sitting in the chair for the computer watching a movie with me and got up with a SIGH and a UGH then intentionally or not intentionally kicked the leg of the next chair he had to sit in so that started off the evening badly. Then at 11pm I asked DD13 to go watch tv in the family room computer time was over so she did. About 5 minutes later I hear DD13 telling her sister to go to bed. I said to DD13 that her sister could stay up and watch tv. Then DD13 says well I want to watch tv and she annoys me. I tell her to ignore her sister. DD13 says to me "But MOM I want to watch TV and she is making noises" Again I say ignore her. Now this to BF was disrespectful of my DD13 because he thinks I should have only had to tell her once to ingore her sister and that she should not have been trying to tell her sister to go to bed in the first place. So then BF gets mad at me for not just telling both girls to go to bed. It's friday night so I let them stay up. He says to me that they do not respect anyone. ( I just did not think it was a big deal) He gets up in a haste and walks out and everyone of us sat there shocked. I thought it was childish and I was upset by it.
Steph
Okay - glad you typed that. In my opinion, your BF is totally impatient and selfish and intolerant of children.
I think it is great that you have your daughter use the computer where you can supervise - that shows to me that you are a very good and selfless mom - it would be far easier to allow her to do that in her room while you have peace and quiet. And sibling squawking, as they do, is not that big of a deal. I also think it is okay that they stay up on a Friday night -most kids do - we had a sleepover of DS and his friend and they were up late. It is all just what kids do!
The thing is, kids are people, too. And they are going to get into spats and breathe and exist and LIVE. There are two ways to look at them - 1) like they are wonderful people that you can help and co-mingle with and influence and learn from and enjoy OR 2) the route your BF takes - that they are a hassle and should be silent and not in his way.
If it was me - his tirade would get him a one way ticket to DUMPSVILLE. I just have no tolerance for anyone telling me what to do with my DS or treating him like he is a pain or making me feel like my good parenting is getting on his nerves. I think no matter what you do he would not be happy with it because they exist. I think his behavior was very selfish and over the top! (sorry!!)
(edited for grammar mistake)
Edited 3/23/2008 10:21 am ET by cl-west1745
That exchange would be very much normal in this house, and my kids get along pretty well.
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