Uh oh! I have TWO daddies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Uh oh! I have TWO daddies!
2
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:15am

So XH brings the kids home last night and tells me that my 3 yr old told him that she "had two daddies". UH OH! I never told her this. This has to be something that she has just concluded in her little toddler mind, since BF is around far more than XH. I feel really guilty about this. But I did nothing to cause it. I mean, BF is just doing his part by being himself and being good to my kids. I believe that children are good judges of character, and they have taken right to him. We are just doing things normally, IMO.

Of course, it would help them differentiate between DADDY and MOMMYS FRIEND if daddy would take them more than the minimum amount he is allowed. This man says he wants them more, knows he can come and get them or see them whenever he wants, yet still chooses not to do any more than the normal routine. And believe me, he has the time - just prefers to spend it with GF and her kids.

So my quesiton is, What do I do? Do I need to talk to the kids about this? Or do I just let them draw their own conclusions based on how they are treated by people?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:47am

I am not sure the right answer. My gut says let the children think of it whatever way that makes the most sense to them. If they feel they have two daddies, then they probably feel lucky, and they should. If the subject comes up, you could clarify that their dad is their daddy, and your bf is their friend even though he is daddy-like. If your bf is not committed to being a step-dad, then you might want to clarify that your bf might be a step-daddy someday, but you haven't decided yet if he will.

What did your ex say he wants to happen? I'm guessing he was bothered by the comment, but did he expect you to change it somehow?

I think it can be confusing. My dd is almost 5 and I've talked about the fact that my father is dead and that I have a step father, but we not at the same time and I didn't make a connection between the two. Then one day she we drove past a cemetary and she asked about my dad, and she said "If my daddy died then I'd get a step-dad too." I had to clarify that one, but even with my clarification, I'm not sure she really gets 'how' she would come by having a step-father.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 2:48pm

I don't think you need to feel guilty about your Ex's feelings about the situation. He's incharge of his own feelings and his own actions. Let it be....

But I do think you should look out for your dd and the bond that she is building with your BF. She is too young to understand it all, but she does see your BF as a father figure in her life. Is BF planning to take on that role? If your relationship is not at that stage yet, you should protect her from forming that kind of a bond with him too soon. I would gently clarify with her at her level, the difference between daddy and your really good friend that you both like alot...or something like that.




Edited 5/12/2005 2:50 pm ET ET by orange_clouds