Unlucky in Love - where to go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2008
Unlucky in Love - where to go from here?
4
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 3:39am

Well, I've

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 4:13am

First of all... hugggggs. Sorry to hear about you being in a marriage that is more of the same as the last one.

Advice? If I was in your situation I would run to a therapist. I would seek out what the heck I was doing that create such a repeating pattern.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 9:02am

Sorry you are so upset and frustrated. I really agree with Mark that you should see a counselor to see if there is a way you can make this one come around and if not then why did you pick a bad one - is there something in your past or childhood? Maybe this one will go to counseling? Or something is really bothering him to make him act that way? Do you know his dating and relationship and family history?

Dating is not as easy as one might think. Most people go on physical attraction and chemistry and they don't realize the pitfalls. They don't realize that it is not all sparks and Hollywood style love - good and lasting love is something that is slow and steady and good over time. Additionally there are a lot of things you can notice in the beginning to see and toss a bad one. And like you say, you can work on things about you that make you tend to pick or attract a bad one.

I do urge you to stay here and read and participate in our threads because you will learn a LOT about people and relationships and dating here. It is a great place and everyone here contributes something very important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 11:01am

I'm sorry you're finding you're in a repeat marriage... but if it's not good, then a priority would be to get out. Unless BOTH partners are able and willing to seek counseling and work on what EACH person needs to address on his/her own, as well as what you as a couple need to fix.


If not, then I agree with the others that come counseling/therapy would be good, so you can see just why you might be picking men who are so similar.


I know I've learned alot from hanging out on the boards. Things like long-distance relationships are not "real" because you're not physically there with each other. You only go by talking, IMing, texting, etc- but no actual face-to-face conversation where you can see body language and all that. LDRs leave too much room for fantasy and imagination to creep in to fill in the spots that you don't get as if you were in person. So it's hard to truly see what the other person is really like. So now you know... next time, if another LDR comes up on you- you'll at least know that it's not something to rush into, and that once you DO come together in person... to maybe date even longer before getting into a permanent living situation. Only time will show you what a person is really like, as they can't pretend and hide themselves forever.


Another thing I've learned on the boards, when it comes to picking and choosing- is to truly know yourself, and what you really want in a partner, and what you absolutely won't accept. And then STICK TO IT, no matter how charming or handsome that other person is!!! If you find yourself starting to justify the other's behavior because of this or that, or you find yourself apologizing to others for his behavior... then that should be a warning sign. That tells you that his behavior or treatment of you, just isn't right... and that's not anything to ignore. Don't let him get away with blaming it on work stress or personal problems or "that's just who I am" kinds of attitudes, and forcing you to accept that bad or abusive behavior.


Believe me, I've been there with my ex, who could be fun and funny one minute, but also crude and verbally abusive the next. I found myself always on edge when he was around, because I never knew what would set him off. NOT a good way to live (for me, or for him!).


So if you ever feel the Spirit telling you "watch out!!!", then just listen. There's a warning sign in there somewhere, that the person just isn't right for you. Be true to yourself and don't give up what YOU want or need in a relationship just to keep the other person happy, or even just to keep the other person to avoid being alone. I've definitely BTDT, too.


Oh- and welcome to the board! You'd be surprised at how many people come here because of some relationship prolem or question... and then end up staying here because of the fun and advice and support! So hang out, have some coffee.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 2:01pm

Hello and welcome... glad you found this board.. this is my favorite place to hang out on the internet.


After