Unrealistic Expectations?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Unrealistic Expectations?
10
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 3:56pm

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I've posted here, so I'll give a quick refresher. 35 yr. old, divorced, mother of 4 (daughters), been dating SO for

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:23pm

Sweetie,

You don't have unrealistic expectations, you just have the wrong boyfriend from what you type.

The point is - your goal should be - a loving husband who is good for you and for him and for everyone involved who wants to be in a loving marriage.

You have to want THAT with him or without him.

Don't be sad or take it personally if he is unable to give what you want - get over it and get back out there!!

SELFISH about a goal like this is not BAD. Wasting time with a shrew who is uncapable or unwilling is bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 10:53pm

Thank you for your input. This has been a pain that continues to creep up on me....wondering if I've waited long enough for him to ask me to marry him. I always seem to justify for him: his crazy ex-wife keeps fighting him for custody, our kids won't get along, his lifestyle will be interrupted, etc... I always seem to be able to push the marriage idea to the back of my head, but darnit, I'm beginning to reach the end of my rope.


I remember when I was married to my ex and wondering if there could possibly be someone else out there for me. Then I met my current boyfriend and I find myself wondering the same thing. We have so much in common, have led eerily similar lives, accept each other for who we are, and the prospect of

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:08pm

his crazy ex-wife keeps fighting him for custody, our kids won't get along, his lifestyle will be interrupted,

THOSE sound like reasons you wouldn't be happy with him either.

Don't worry - better alone than with MrWrong. I know you feel the connection and you have a lot in common - but that is not enough.

And just because the outside seems scary - that is not reason enough to stay in.

Hang in there - you listen to your gut and do what is right for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 6:44pm

I also

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 7:01pm

If you knew the situation was NEVER going to


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 6:48pm

Thank you all so much for your words. This holiday weekend might've been the kicker. Ex-MIL decided to not get the girls this weekend (ex only has 1 day, supervised visitation 2 days a month) which really bites because it's our only ALONE time. His mom (thank God!) takes my girls for the whole weekend usually, every other weekend. Anyway, our original plans were to go to my SO house, spend the night, get up early and spend the day lounging by the pool while the kids played. Then I was looking forward to a kid-free weekend. Instead, we all enjoyed our 4th, stayed that night, and came home Saturday. I promised to take the girls to see the town fireworks Sat. night and they have church the next morning so I decided to just go home (much easier!). Anyway, I asked him (via phone) where he saw us in the next few years, etc.. As always, he dances around and I don't really get a straight answer. The closest I got to an answer was "In 5 years, my son will be 18....." What kind of answer is that? I'm trying real hard to NOT ask

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 10:58pm

God no its not selfish! YOu want a commitment from him. And you are ready to commit to him too. After 3 years a lot of women would want that. I wanted it after just over a year. Have you discussed it with him and told him you want a time frame for moving the relationship ahead?

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 12:54am
Are you afraid to "suck it up and ask" because you don't know the answer, or because you do?

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 1:43am

I believe if you don't know what you want then don't put it on him to “realize” that he wants to be with you in the future. If you are pretending that you don't want marriage but not being truthful to yourself then time to be clear. So many women want mates who are honest but it seems that you are not honest with yourself. Start there.

If you are very clear on wanting marriage then why not tell him that? I would think if you are willing to marry someone after knowing him for 3 years then it should be no problem either asking or telling him. If you don't set a timetable then why should it change?

It seems until you are honest and clear about what you want to yourself then no reason why he should be that way.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 5:00am
Yes, it's true. I think I already know the answer and I just don't want to hear it. Also, I hate being the 'needy' woman and the feeling that I'm sitting around waiting for him "take me away from it all" and I hate feeling powerless!! At the same time, I hate &*%$-footing around the subject. After our conversation yesterday, I'll give him until this weekend and then I'll ask him, point blank. Generally if it's a conversation he wants to venture into, he'll bring it up before then. If not, I will this weekend.