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| Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:19am |
I am a single mom of 2 and recently went out on a date with this guy that I had/have in a couple of my college classes. He's also come over a couple of times (when my kids are sleeping) and nothing sexual has happened, although we've kissed and definitely feel attracted to each other. I'm really a picky person and have always found it difficult to look past certain physical attributes, habits, etc.... My neighbor advised me (when I was contemplating going out with this guy) to open my heart and let things flow. So I have been, he's not exactly my type and when I first met him, I didn't really think much about him. Now that I've spent time with him, I'm starting to have some feelings for him and appreciate his sweetness, respectfulness and his sense of humor. BUT, I've been single for almost 3 years and I'm hoping that I'm just not excited that someone has taken interest and I acted upon it. Eventually he will be leaving the area at the end of this year for good (military obligations). He briefly met my little on little boy and has never met my oldest and it's probably best like that for now. My issue is this.... Should I just cut off whatever relationship we have now before it goes too far sexually and mentally? I mean he's going to be leaving in a few months anyways. He doesn't have any responsiblities but himself and I don't know how he really feels about being in a deep relationship with a woman who has children. And if he doesn't mind, why should I put my heart into this and have my kids possibly get attached to him (remember, he's leaving)? He's going to be leaving in a few days for a school that is a couple of weeks long. I'm thinking not being able to see him is going to be a little hard for me, should I just cut this relationship now before I get hurt?

I don't mean this to sound harsh. But, chances are this relationship would only last as long as he's in town. The circumstances aren't right for him to start a very committed relationship with you. From what I know of men, the timing has to be right. A woman might change her whole life around because she likes a guy...but, a man could have the perfect woman in hand and if he needed to go off some place for two years for something that would advance his career, he will leave the woman and just find another perfect one when the time is right for him. I think this is why men suffer from "the one that got away" syndrome.
If you're prepared to have a short relationship with this man (just until the end of the year or shorter) and can deal with the heartbreak, then forge ahead. I'd leave your children out of it. If you really desire something better and longer lasting, then I'd say move on. It's hard to move on when there is a man who wants to date you and you're unsure if you'll find someone else to date. You will!!! You absolutely will find someone else.
First of all WELCOME to our board. I hope to see you around more often. I am going to be a bit careful before I give you an answer so, if you can give me a bit more info, that would be great.
How long have you been dating in total, I mean what does a couple of times mean? That can be defined as 2 or 3 times or a dozen times within a matter of months.
Has he given you any impression that he wants more?
Has he given any indication what his relationship pattern looks like? Has he has lots of relationships or are you someone that he might have just started dating and is more shy?
And what does a couple of months mean? Like I say that and it means in 4 months or in 6 months. If the guy is really gone soon I say 8 weeks.
How far is he moving?
If you guys were to really get along and maybe commit, could you see yourself moving? I mean if you can't see yourself moving, then I would definitly get out now. You have to be flexible with a military man. period.
ok, I'll look for your post.
- Catherine
"Eventually he will be leaving the area at the end of this year for good (military obligations)."
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I think this statement answers all of your questions below.
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"He briefly met my little on little boy and has never met my oldest and it's probably best like that for now. My issue is this.... Should I just cut off whatever relationship we have now before it goes too far sexually and mentally? I mean he's going to be leaving in a few months anyways. He doesn't have any responsiblities but himself and I don't know how he really feels about being in a deep relationship with a woman who has children. And if he doesn't mind, why should I put my heart into this and have my kids possibly get attached to him (remember, he's leaving)? He's going to be leaving in a few days for a school that is a couple of weeks long. I'm thinking not being able to see him is going to be a little hard for me, should I just cut this relationship now before I get hurt?"
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I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him what his intentions are. For him he enjoys your physical closeness and pleasure and then he is gone. You will be left with a broken heart and in the mean time you are wasting your time if you want something with a future. But you will never know until you talk to him.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Hi honey, welcome to the board.
Reading your post I heard a lot of uncertainty on your part. It would be VERY hard to not see him (I say this from experience) and keeping something alive is a lot of work when there is distance. YOu could just give it a rest. If something is meant to be, it will come back again later. I think you feel you would be hurt to not be with him, and you have to take care of you. Doing what's best for you is your first responsibility.
Hang in there
Candi
Ok ladies....... this puts the situation into a WHOLE new light.... so we should answer accordingly...
First of all, I can relate more, because I am an X army brat, my father was in the military and married to a woman in the military (it didn't work out, but he couldn't keep his pants on anyways, so that doesn't mean anything. lol) and because I have dated quite a few military men in my life, by choice and not by choice. LOL
I'm glad you explained the situation because without knowing the inner detail, it does make things more complicated. It's kind of a relationship, we can't read minds, we have to spill it all. LOL
Before I say anything, I would like to say: RESPECT! For being a mother and serving your country. I know how HARD that is. I would love to hear more about how you handle it. With chances of deployment and all. It intrigues me how women handle that all, it really isn't a normal 9-5 job.
Now to the man...(don't get me wrong, because I say cute name calling to everyone.Lol, it's my way of talking.) Having said that..........
Sweetie, November is a llllllllllllllllllonggggggggggggg way off.
My birthday is in November so I remind myself that I really have 9 more months to deal with it. This man seems to be into you. Ok, the red flag is: He wants you to see him in the next 2 weeks. Depending where you are and where he is, you have to think if that is something you want to do. I wouldn't do it. Unless he really can't get away and unless you REALLY miss him, but in reality, let him MISS you. Tell him you would love it, but duty calls. He'll understand and he'll miss you more. Why do I say that? Because he calls you everyday.
How long are you stationed where your at? I know that you can put your place of preference in? Are you in the same type of working enviroment, I mean, could you get stationed where he is at? As far as I know, he doesn't even have his orders to where he's going until at least 3 months before he leaves. This gives you plenty of time and plenty of time for him to try and change his orders to stay longer (if possible). 2-3 hrs is NOTHING. To be honest, I often don't understand what the big deal is when people say they are an hour or two away from each other. One of the reasons, because I commute to work one way 2 hrs a day, EVERYDAY. It's a matter of adjustment. I would just say and i know you know this, your damn lucky that he isn't stationed overseas or half way across america.
We have women on this board that married after just a few months of knowing someone (yes, married women that were single are still with us). You obviously like this man. Don't give up on it, no matter what your insides are telling you this time. Listen to your neighbor and don't shut yourself out. Let this take it's stride. "Never let a strike out keep you from hitting a home run." Ok, guy talk, but I heard it just tonight and I thought DAMN that's good!
The man is INTO you. Don't let it go, because of something that is going to happen in 9 months. You should know this. Think positive. Let something good happen to you. If you aren't comfortable with him meeting your kids, I fully understand and I do agree WAIT that one out. As for the rest, take a deep breath and let it happen.
You know what the military life is like. You know it can be hard, because your living in it. You also have a better understanding for him and he does for you. Take it in stride.
Just one warning: Don't let him get comfortable on your couch! Make sure he keeps taking you out. What about his rank? Are you allowed to date him? (For the women that are wondering: Enlisted women or men are not allowed to date Officers (or vice versa), they have to date within their own ranks.) Could this count as a problem?
Keep updating us. This is a situation I think most women haven't encountered on the board yet, but something I've dealt with my whole life and it is definitely the: "Exception to the Rule".
Big hugs to you sweetie, I think you might have something here, just stay relaxed. Your scared and you haven't let anyone close to you. This guy obviously wants to be close to you and see's something very special in you ( which you are ), just make sure, you let him miss you and you let him know that dating does not construe of sitting on your couch. LOL.
- Catherine
Wow Catherine, you really know your military stuff!! Good thing you are on here to help out!!
I am betting that if you were in the services, Catherine, you would be General by now.
Aye aye, maam! :-)
LOL, that was actually my dream to become a General and outrank my Dad. LOL.
Being an Army Brat and living all over the world on bases and having had so many relationships (alex's father, my first boyfriend, several boyfriends) all in the military, it's a whole different world. It really is. You can't compare it to the normal civilian world. I know I always felt safer in it. It's a special feeling of family and unit, commitment and everyone understands the trials of moving and adjusting and adjusting the kids, etc. Kids are also a lot more adaptable and it's not like OMGosh the poor kids. I loved moving, I made friends everywhere and I had no problem adjusting every 6 months to 2-3yrs somewhere else. I saw so much and experienced so much. Anyhow, it just turns the tables a bit differently in this situation. Like I said it's a lifestyle that is "An exception to the rule."