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| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:32pm |
I spent my first weekend totally alone since before Christmas. How did I do? I loved every minute of it. I was off work on Friday. I saw my twins in their school talent show, which they loved. I ran errands and then drove my kids to their dad's house earlier than usual. I had my evening to myself. I thought a friend was going to come by, but she canceled. While I was waiting for her to come, I cleaned my house. So, when she canceled, I was exhausted from cleaning and went to bed early. On Saturday, I was up and out of the house early. I went to the paint store and Home Depot to get everything I needed to paint. I was just about finished when the kids got home on Sunday evening. I’m not quite sure I like it. I tried to be fancy, and I did a faux finish called color washing. It did turn out like I expected it to. My sister, who is an expert at faux painting, is going to take a look at it tonight. I might change it, I’m not sure yet. So that’s the update on what I did this weekend.
Much to my surprise, S called me at work on Wednesday. I told him I couldn’t talk to him. He said he just wanted to know if me and the kids wanted to get together with him and his son this weekend. I told him I didn’t have the kids this weekend, and left it at that because I really couldn’t talk. He told me to call him in the evening, but I didn’t. He called me that night when I was making everyone’s lunch. It was late, and I didn’t feel like getting into anything. He was rattling on about all the problems in his life, and I didn’t say much. I realized he really didn’t get that it was over between us, but it was too late to get into. Over the course of Thursday and Friday, every time he called me, I wasn’t home. In fact, he called 3 times Friday while I was off, and sounded quite irritated on my answering machine that I was not home. Saturday night he called after his son fell asleep, but I didn’t pick up. I was trying to finish painting on Sunday, the phone rang, I didn’t check to see who it was, I picked it up and it was him. I told him that I was in the middle of something and I couldn’t talk. He said he was pretty worn out from his visit with his son, he was going to go to bed early, but he wanted me to call him later. I said no because if he is asleep when I call, and I wake him up, he won’t be able to fall back asleep and he will be crabby with me (that’s happened before). He told me to try anyway because he hadn’t talked to me since Wednesday and he wanted to talk to me. I went to bed at 1:00 a.m. last night trying to finish my painting, getting everything cleaned up and put away, and getting my room put back together. Needless to say, I did not call him.
But, I did realize that I will have to call him and talk to him about this because I honestly don’t think he gets it. If he got it, why would be call and ask if we and the kids could come over this weekend? And if I don’t lay it on the line, he won’t stop calling. I just didn’t want to deal with it last night. I need to get it over and done with, it’s just that I know it is not going to be an easy or pleasant conversation, and I’m dragging my feet. I hate confrontation, and I don’t want to argue with anyone. He will not go quietly, I just know it. And avoiding him isn’t working. However, I have a plan. There are many reasons why I did what I did, and most of them are negative reflections on him. But, I’m not going that route. I am going to put the sole responsibility on me – I need a break and I need time to myself and I don’t want to date anyone right now (which is 100 percent the truth). He’s good at turning things around on me and making me look bad, so he should be able to understand it if I totally blame myself, like he has done so many times. So, I think that’s the way to go.
An empty house, a paint brush and a gallon of paint gives you a great opportunity to connect with yourself. I thought of what I would say to him, and what his reaction would be, so I think I’ll be ok. I did a huge amount of thinking about my situation this weekend, and I know, for 100 percent sure, that I did the right thing. I enjoyed every second of being by myself. I wasn’t bored, lonely or sad. If anything, I was frustrated because I wasn’t able to cross more off of my to-do list. But, I look at it this way; this weekend was only the beginning of many weekends to come of my new freedom. And that’s exactly how I look at it – freedom. I really think that if this relationship was truly right for me, I wouldn’t have needed time to think about things, or to slow down or have doubts and reservations. If it was truly right, I would be packing my boxes and calling a realtor. But I’m not, so this must not be Mr. Right. However, I know he’s out there somewhere. But, I’m not looking for him. For the first time in 8 years, I really am getting in tune with me, and what I want, and I think that will make me a better person in the long run.
Sorry this is so long. I’ll update everyone after I finally have that conversation with S. I am very busy this week, so I’m not sure exactly when it will be.
Donna

Donna, I can completely understand what you're saying about him not going out without a fight, at least figuratively. But, please don't allow him to let you blame yourself. If you want to accept the blame for his sake, so he'll back off and leave you alone, and that's your game plan, fine, as long as you KNOW you're not to blame.
But I worry that you'll start believing all the things you keep repeating to him. As long as that doesn't start happening, you WILL be fine! Don't truly get down on yourself!
Awesome news about your bedroom, and the beauty about paint and time is if you decide you don't like it, you can always do it over again.
I get the same sense of peace from my gardening you got from painting, so I can completely understand, and at the end, the aching arms (and back) are worth it, because not only do you have beautiful new walls to show for it, you've also had all that thinking time, too.
I'm glad you got so much done, and don't worry about not getting more done. You've got time.
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Moody:
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I want to explain what I mean about him not letting go. Have you ever been in a relationship that started out great and then started to unravel later? That's exactly what happened here. When we first talked about moving in together, things were going great, and I thought it would be a great idea. Then I started seeing things that I did not like. So I needed to slow down. We would talk about problems, but they never seemed to go away, or others would pop up. But I know no matter what I say, he will think things will work out. I am stressed out, I have a lot of responsibility, and I want to spend time with my kids. That doesn't leave much time for a relationship, especially a long-distance one. The thing is, all I have heard for the past month from S is that he believes the answer to all our problems, and my cold feet, is moving in together because he said that now I am doing everything alone, and he will be there to help me. While I agree somewhat, it doesn't erase the nagging feeling in my stomach that: (1) I would be making a big mistake; (2) I would feel isolated and lonely, even in this relationship; (3) and I would totally lose my freedom and any sense of myself. It's just hard to plead a case when S is sooo 100 percent sure that everything will be fine when we live together. He's blind to everything else. So, that's what I mean. No matter what I say, he won't believe it anyway. So I figured the only thing he would understand is me taking responsibility. When we had our big blow-out argument last weekend, he said I was difficult, never happy, I look for reasons to be unhappy, I was crazy, and I needed to take Lithium. I do not agree with any of those statements, except one, and that is that I am not happy; but it just so happens that he is the major contributing factor in why. I was in an abusive relationship about 3 years ago. I am starting to see shades of another one, and I want out before I end up depressed and not caring and hopeless like I was in that other relationship. No one should ever talk to another person the way he talks to me, period, angry or not. And I have had a male friend of mine say that if S really cared about me, he would go to the ends of the earth to see me, no matter what the distance. Guess he doesn't really care that much. What I think is happening here is that I fit in his master plan of wife, stepmom, stepchildren, more children and a happy "Leave it to Beaver" family. But I don't see it that way at all, and I don't want to be part of anyone's master plan.
While painting this weekend, I have been over this dozens of time. I agree with you that I did nothing wrong in this relationship. We just aren't on the same page any more, and I am seeing things I don't like, and before it's too late, I want out. He's controlling, and I don't want to be controlled. If I have to, I can always delve into the long list of his negative traits that are causing me to leave, but I will keep that in reserve unless I need it. I'd rather focus on the positive, which is me, and what I want for me and my life and my kids' lives. At this point, I really don't care what he thinks of me. I'm messing up his master plan, so it won't be good, but this isn't about him. This is about me.
I really think I'll be ok. I just don't want to fight. I truly am not down on myself at all. I am proud of myself because I recognized the signs of something that could have been horrible for me, and I had the courage to walk away early. That's usually not my MO. At least I am learning from my past mistakes.
Donna
Donna, I did know what you meant, I guess, because I've pretty much been there, too. I just don't want you to cave in. I'm so glad you had this weekend to yourself, painting was really good for you!
Not only did it give you much needed time to yourself to think this all through, it gave you the time you needed to form a plan of attack, so to speak. you are so strong, Donna. I admire you so much!
I'm so proud of you for being able to learn from your mistakes, we're certainly not all that smart, and I hope I am half as smart as you when it comes to relationships!
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Donna,
Everything about your situation screams that you are doing the right thing. I also completely understand what you are going through. This happened with my husband and instead of ignoring my inner voice, I married him. It just went from bad to worse to catastrophic. I am so proud of you for recognizing it and for having the strength to walk away from a relationship that seems as if it would only bring you damage.
I really do see him wanting to move in with you so that he can control what you do and where you go and who you are with. I am almost positive he feels he is doing nothing wrong, and probably thinks you are just being difficult. We all know you are not. Relationships are not supposed to drag us down, they are supposed to lift us up, and this relationship just does not seem to be doing that for you. I truly believe that you and your children are going to be so much happier by you putting your and your children's needs first.
You ended things, you don't owe him anything after your talk. If you are clear and honest and he cannot respect or handle that, that is not your fault. He is responsible for his own actions and you are under no obligation to him. Let him try and manipulate you into feeling guilty all he wants. You know better. You also know most of his actions are going to come from him acting from his emotions, so don't take them too much to heart.
Just continue taking time for you and the twins and good luck with your painting. It was great hearing about your weekend.
--snow
Donna,
I'm surprised that he's acting like nothing happened, are you sure that he got your email?
It sounds like he just dosen't get it, I'm very confrentational, boy would he get it with me! It sounds like you're avoiding dealing with him and are worrying a bit too much on his reaction, what he will feel, what he will say, sc--- him! None of that is your problem, it's all about you. I think you should gather up your nerve and let him know what went wrong, be firm and stand your ground, don't let him twist things around and put the blame on you or try to make you feel bad. Remember we teach people how to treat us, you should never give him or anyone else for that matter the power to make you feel
bad or disrespected. Be strong, be firm and let him and any other person of his type know loud and clear, You are to be respected period! Don't ever give any one
the option to try to tear you apart or knock you down. People mess with who they think will take it, don't ever let him or any one else think you're an easy target. When you let it be known that Donna's not taking ---- from anyone anymore, it will change your life forever.
If you talk to him and let him know the truth, I think it would give you closure, and build up your self esteem and confidence. When younger, I used to avoid confrentation like the plague, but through therapy and healing, I found out that by avoidence, I was only hurting myself in the long run because I was giving the power to them instead of taking it for myself.
You are in the beginning stages of what I went though years ago, you are growing and discovering yourself. You are are on the right track, and if you continue to grow and change, you will discover things about you that you never knew exisited. Welcome my sister! I'm very proud of you. I know you will just grow and thrive. You have important work ahead, don't let anyone stop you.
Hi Donna,
Just getting back from my trip and reading your messages. I agree with everything you write in the original post about not wanting to continue with S. It sounds like the more you went on with this relationship the more it became a one way street and not in your favor. I mean, why would you want to give up everything to make life more grand for him when there is not the same things for you that are important to you? He is never going to get that in my opinion. And it doesn't matter how HE feels, it matters how YOU feel. I don't think living together would fix anything. I would not move that far to move in with someone with all of these selfish issues who is renting a house from his father. Why would someone who OWNs a house do that, never mind with kids?
And just because it didn't work out doesn't mean either of you should feel like a failure and you didn't fail. This is WHY you date. You don't know how someone really is and how you two relate until you DATE each other over time. But you do learn a lot about yourself and what you want for the future. You get more picky. And this is a good thing.
I would write him a blunt and firm email regarding your decision and then have no further contact.
The reason I say no contact is because I don't feel it would be in your favor based on your stories. He is going to be defensive and try to blame you or plead his case and just waste your time. You have made your decision and that is that.
I would not answer his calls. He does not deserve more of your time.
With regards to your fears about life without him or a relationship, I think they are normal/natural. But you are so well grounded with your work, kids, house and life that you will only do better by yourself. You will fill your free time with more friends and activities and you will be happier - I can sense this is already starting. And who is to argue with getting stuff done around their house!
And in time you will meet the right one for you that will feel much differently than this.
Hope this helps!!