Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Update
7
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:23pm

Judy asked for an update, so here it is.

As for an update on S, I have to say that I have been going through a little bit of a rough time the past few weeks. You know my history, and you know that I've never dated a man who has children before. Getting used to not being the center of attention and focus (I'm being honest here and not trying to sound selfish), getting used to vistitation schedules, and dealing with his ex who is difficult at best, is a lot to get used to when you have never done it before. Then there are financial issues, the distance between us (an hour and a half), problems with communication and even some intimacy issues. And there have been phone calls from other men tempting me to stray from my relationship (very tempted, but I didn't) -- it all just got overwhelming for me, and I haven't been too happy lately -- I'm just trying to figure it all out, and that's why I haven't been on the board too much lately.

On a positive note, we finally had a long, heart-to-heart talk and I was able to communicate why I wasn't happy and what my concerns were. Much to my surprise, he was very receptive and he really listened to what I had to say. Then he talked and poured his heart out to me, something he never did before. He's really into me; he told me that I far exceeded what he hoped to find when he went on E-Harmony; he told me I was perfect (I told him not to call me that -- I can't live up to that standard); I'm everything he wanted for a long-term relationship, and more. Since we had that talk on Monday, I feel the best I've felt in weeks. It's nice to know what the other person is thinking. Then he told me whatever problems we have he wants to work them out because he wants me to be happy.

S adores my children, and they love him as well. The 5 of us get along great together, and you really can't put a price on that. Me, S and the kids can all see us being a family some day. Unfortunately the road getting there is never smooth, but I believe in my heart that the struggles are worth it. I never dated anyone before that clicked with my kids, and that is extremely important to me. I've never been a quitter and I think working through our issues will be well worth the reward.

I'm human, and I'm a creature of habit. I've never been in a situation like this before, and I am not ashamed to admit that I am still adjusting. Dating bachelors and dating single dads is totally different -- but the differences aren't all bad. Plus, here I have a guy who actually wants to have a future with me (also something I'm not used to -- I think I dated every commitmentphobe on the planet). While it's great, it's a little scary as well. But my attitude is good and I'm just taking things one step at a time.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:40pm

All any of us can do is to take it one day at a time. I used to date a guy with younger kids and I found it very hard and stressful, that's why I would definately prefer that he have older kids or an empty nester. It's really good that the lines of communication are kept open as that is extremely important. Maybe down the road you may want to consider some type of couples conseling or a blended family type of expert. The folks that I know who did this have had some very good results. Maybe some really good relationship books could be helpful as well. Relationships can be hard work and anything worth it is worth the work involved. Just cut yourself some slack once in a while and if things feel too stressful sometimes treat yourself to something you love thats totally self indulgent; ie a hot fudge sundae, a massage, a manicure, a good chick flick(something he would hate);etc. whatever would help to recharge you.

Best of luck.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:21pm

I don't have the experience of dating a man with younger kids. But I do know that 1.5 hours away is a challenge.

Your issues so far do not sound insurmountable to me. I like that you are communicating them to him and that he acknowledges them and he is into you. I am hoping that things with his exw can cool down and that you guys can find enough time together. I am sure that if you put your heads together and want to make it work you can figure it out.

It sounds like you are in the part of the relationship where you see how things really are. And there is stuff you are now noticing that bothers you. I think that is normal and you just have to see if you can sort it out. Many times if you work through the things that upset both of you then you will be stronger.

Best wishes and hugs - so glad you stopped by. Keep us posted!! We are taking notes from your story.

Did you read the posts from Firstammendment? She has been posting about her experiences with her SO and his kids. There is also a good link here on step parenting - and if you sort through more of those messages and threads and links you will find good info for making a second marriage and step children work. I think this is lots of timely stuff for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 5:05pm

Donna,

Here is the thread I was just mentioning:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=8930.1&ctx=0

It has a lot of things to consider for step parenting and for geting married again - look at all of our posts.

Jennie (First) is really experienced with this in my opinion - because she was a step child and she has read a LOT of books on this subject. She and her SO are discussing all of this and they are also seeing a counselor to really make it work smooth. I have learned so much from her here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 5:12pm

Judy:

I haven't read the posts from Jennie, but I have checked out the I-Village board on divorce and blended families. I also saw an advertisement on the board for a few books that I want to order on the subject. S's son is 7 and my kids are 8, so that is a good match, and the fact that he has a son is not a problem at all. His exw can be a pain, but I have had experience with that kind of thing, and I can usually diffuse a tense situation. You know what happened with my little sis, and I have 3 guy friends that are divorced. S always tells me I'm such a good listener, and I tell him that there is nothing he can tell me that I haven't already heard from one of my friends, and it's no big deal. I could have posted that everything was wonderful, but that's not truthful. Things are not bad either. They are just in an awkward stage where the wonderful new feeling has warn off and then you see the reality of everything. And I readily admit that it is me that is having trouble adjusting, not him. Far too many times in the past I jumped in with both feet and then ended up getting hurt. I have finally learned to take it easy and slow and see what happens. And the communication block has also been with me. But I still go to counseling and I'm trying to better myself so that I can be a better partner. I truly believe we have potential, and that is why I wanted to stay and work things out rather than walk away. He's way too good of a man to walk away from.

I just want to share with you a little e-mail he sent me today. He's having a little trouble with his exw right now: "I really don`t know what I would do without you. Every time I get like this having you compared to when I had to face things alone is like night and day. I see that one of my faults is that I am too loyal, but very dependable and if I were to look up dependable in the dictionary, there we would be together. I feel together there is nothing we can`t do. And I can't wait to start seeing you and yes even your kids (ya ya) every day .I just wanted you to know how much you calmed me down and relaxed me just knowing you are there on my side. I am not kidding or exaggerating when I say your the BEST!!! Thanks again for everything, most importantly being you".

It brought tears to my eyes. He's usually not that good at expressing himself, but to me, that says it all, and that's why I stay to work things out. I think it will be worth it in the end.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 8:17pm

Donna,

I thought that email was wonderful. It really does seem that both of you wish for the same end result, and with that goal in mind, I believe it is the togetherness that will get you through the hard parts.

I know what you mean about being perfect, but it's nice in a way because I tells you outright that he sees you as everything he needs in a relationship. I think it's not so much that he thinks of you as a perfect person, but more as you are perfect for him.

Loyalty is a very good thing. And I am so glad that you were both able to communicate so well during your talk. It's really touching to read.

hugs,
--snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:05pm

Donna,


It's always nice to see you here!


I'm so glad that despite a few setbacks things are going well.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:47pm

The email is wonderful - that would make me melt.

It sounds like you bring out the best in him and that he makes you feel very special. I like how this is going. Keep us posted!!

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