*Update*
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| Thu, 12-30-2004 - 9:08am |
Oh where to start. I am sorry for being so emotional here the last couple days. I wasn't trying to make the situation in mbfun's thread more difficult. I should also mention that in addition to the issue with my bf, I bawled my eyes out this weekend at one show and another news story, and a lot of my emotions could relate to PMS. I take that birth control pill that is 3 months of pills and then you get your period. I wonder if my body really knows that it is time for that vs. thinking another month of pills is coming next, but it seems I am more emotional than usual so it must be that. :)
My bf called last night. He was sick since last week and lost his voice. He didn't use that as an excuse for not calling, but that is the reason. I was thinking more about it and this is not the first time he's gone that long without calling, it was a week and 1/2 and before it's been as long 2 weeks. But it was the first time that the not calling spanned a weekend I didn't have my dd, and the first time I had called but that he didn't call back within a day or so. Earlier in our relationship it was more common to have long periods without talking. He had is ds EOW and one weeknight, and he didn't want to talk on the phone then because he felt his time with his ds was too short and he wanted to focus on him when he was there. I followed his lead and didn't call him to talk when I had dd (50% custody, I have her every other week). Neither of us wanted to introduce the other to our children yet, so we usually didn't see each other when one of us had our child at home. There were only a handful of times he came over after my dd went to sleep in the first 11 months of the relationship. Otherwise we just saw each other on our kid-free weekends and once or twice during the week my dd was with her dad.
He has pulled away from me a couple of times. The first was when he found out they had set a court date for his custody case (he was worried and with good reason). The second was after he lost and he knew his ds was moving away (he was depressed). There have been a few times that he has gone for a time without calling that I have been sure that the relationship was over. Part of it is that the two other times in my life I've been dumped (that were serious relationships) it was by the guy just not calling and completely cutting me off. I think it's the worst kind of breakup because in addition to dealing with breakup pain, you have this period when you don't know what's going on and you have to figure it out for yourself. It sucks and I'm terrified of that happening again. The other part is that is that there is no real reason for him to go these long periods without calling. I understand he was sick, but all he had to do was send an email that he was sick and would call me in a week or so. Then I wouldn't worry or turn into a puddle of emotional mush. I know he can take care of himself. When he finally called last night I told him how worried I was and he said I should know he's invincible and the only person that can destroy him is himself. This is probably true.
My therapist thinks he's terrified of our relationship. He's not completely committment phobic. He was planning to marry his ds's mother before she got pg. It's a long story but the relationship was ending right at the point she got pg. They stayed together until their ds was a toddler, when she left. He was a SAHD and then she disappeared with their child for months and he couldn't see him until he could get a court order for visitation. This was the most devastating thing he thought could happen, until she got married and started a process to move away. The battle to move away had been going on for nearly 2 years when I met my bf. He has done a remarkable job of coping with the tremendous stress and depression the situation has caused, but it hasn't made having a relationship with him easy.
It's only been the last few months that our relationship really felt like a relationship. We really don't dwell on his custody situation much. We have fun, enjoy the same things, and I do get a lot out of the relationship. Since he met my dd we've been able to see each other almost every weekend, we talk on the phone more, and it has felt like the relationship was moving forward. I guess I wasn't expecting another period of him not calling or him pulling away. My general assessment (even before this past week) has been that he's a great person, a great father, but not always a great bf. Most of the time he is, occasionally he's not. The thing is he has the ability to be a great bf if he can get his visitation straightened out and if he decides to stay here. The problem, my therapist has warned me, is that by the time he does get it all worked out I might not want to be with him any more. I'm hoping that doesn't happen, I want things to work with him, but only time will tell. But in any case, I do try to keep my life my priority and focus on myself and my dd first, whether he's being a good bf or not.
I did tell him how I felt about not hearing from him this week. That was a big thing for me. For whatever reason, when I figured out how to let my heart be open and vulnerable to the possibility of the relationship working... I suddenly lost my ability to say how I felt. I am too scared most of the time. I've been working on it and I think I've made a lot of progress.
I went to his place last night. It's hard to resist a guy who's a great kisser and soooooo cuddly. Plus the sex is awesome. Compared to my marriage, which had very little sex, no intimacy and cuddling was usually not allowed, this relationship has been wonderful. There was no heartache in my marriage, but also no love or real connection between us.
Overall I just feel cautious right now. I know this past week is not a sign that the relationship with my bf has strength and will last. It might, but there are hurdles that must be overcome. Most of the hurdles are out of my hands and I need to keep my eye's open for signs that this is not going to work. Wow this post is long. My apologies and a big thank you to anyone who reads it all :)


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It sounds like you have thought everything through and it just needs time for him to come to his senses and appreciate you and also come to grips with his life.
One question I had for you is what does he do for a job? Is he happy in his career? And could he stay happy there with you? Do you feel he is settled that way?
I was also thinking that his silence through Xmas could very well be that the holiday brought on emotional strain for him and his situation.
I think you are right on the emotional strain of Christmas away from his son. Add that to being sick and his depression, and I can see how he would just retreat from the world for a while. It was one of the things I thought of first when I didn't hear from him, but then I got so caught up in thinking he was in an accident or had dumped me, I lost sight of that liklihood.
I think he's very settled here and he is happy with his career. It's one of the things that attracted me to him, that he has his life together. He was a great example when I was trying to put mine together. He has a focus on balance - good career but don't be overly dedicated to it, family is a high priority, children come first, exercise and eating right is imperative, live within your means, and entertainment is good but reading/learning is equally important. He makes about the same money I do, which is a big positive since in the past I would pick men that needed me, and often that included needing me financially.
During the custody case he swore he would never move away if he lost. He'd have to give up his job, his home, possibly his pets and move away from his entire family. He said he's worked hard to build a life for himself and he doesn't want to give it all up to follow an ex and her husband just because she has control of his child (which also gives her control over him) and to live in a place he would hate living. But of course he expected to win and when his ds left that all went out the window because of the pain in saying goodbye and not knowing when they'd see each other again. Then he seemed to come to terms and it looked like he'd stay, then it came up that he was thinking about it again.... ugh. If he can figure out how to be okay with having a limited role in his child's life, then I know he can be happy here with me and be open to a life together - if he decides he wants that too. My therapist thinks he might be more willing to move if I wasn't in the picture, but I think it's a little of that, but mostly the fact that the barriers to moving are huge and he'd be giving up his life if he left.
They moved all the way across the country. It is all yet to be determined. He is waiting to get back into court so he can get a set visitation schedule and work out who will pay for travel costs. His cs is so high he doesn't have the money to pay for airfare, hotel, car rental, all meals out, etc. Plus he needs to have some money for activities. At his house there are plenty of toys, sports equipment, video games, etc., for him and his son to stay busy. When he visits, he can go to the park and the hotel pool, but other things cost $$ and with the travel expenses it all adds up. My thinking is that they will end up back in court to sort all this out since they can't agree on anything.
His cs payments are really high. He could have had them lowered years ago (once his ds was no longer in daycare) but he didn't because he thought it was better to let his ex and ds have the money than to give it to some attorney. He just lived on less to compensate for the high cs. He drives an economical car and has very minimal other expenses because he just has to, and he didn't worry too much about it since the money was going to his ds. Now he needs to get it lowered so he can afford to travel to see his ds, but that may take some time.
The all the way across the country part is really rough, especially when the child is so young.
Is he in counseling at all?
After all of what you have written (the custody/visitation/travel thing for him and his attitude about having another child with you and your disease, plus your mom's reaction earlier) I can see how difficult this is, never mind with the chronic disease you have to deal with and being a single mom.
Somehow I feel you have the short end of the stick. It is like you have everything to offer (your ability to grow and learn, your strength and patience, and your stability) and he has nothing to give you back.
I pray that you have the patience, strength and wisdom to lead you through. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you have come a long way. While it may not be easy, somehow you will benefit from this and you will make the right decision.
Keep us posted!
You have a good point. I am trying to evaluate the relationship from my point of view, is he a good fit for me vs. am I a good fit for him. I realized that in my past relationships I always looked at it from their point of view, and if I thought they needed me and I was a good fit for them, then I felt bad not giving "me" to them. Does that make sense? It was totally backwards and I was leaving myself and my needs out of it. I do that now too, but I try and stop myself and think about it from my perspective.
I do think he's a good fit for me, and even with the stuff that's been going on, I've gained from having been in the relationship. He's given me so much advice on being independant and looking at the world in a healthy way, on taking care of my health, staying fit, etc. Some of the progress I have made this past year is from therapy, some is from making the effort, and some is because he's taught me so much. He's been on his own a lot longer than I have and he's done a very good job of taking care of himself. He has a lot to show a person like me who's never really stood on her own two feet before. He's also been dealing with custody issues longer and he was able to give me a lot of advice when I was first dealing with my dd going back and forth each week. One of the first things he did when I met him was he told me I had the wrong car seat for my dd based on her age and weight (he hadn't met her yet). I had done tons of research on her infant and second car seats, and I had just bought the one I had at the time noting she fit the specifications on the box... but I checked on the car seat board and he was right, she needed a different type. He gives me advice on how to deal with my mother and my ex, and he's almost always got the right perspective. He gave me lots of good things to consider when I was second guessing the decision to switch jobs this year. Plus he's is always making me laugh.
One of the things about having a chronic illness is having others around you who understand what you are going through. Sometimes you can't do normal things and sometimes you just have to take it easy. I went to exercise with him one time (he runs, I walk) and when we were done he looked at me and said, "you did too much." He knows that overdoing it will end up with me being in pain. But most people don't 'get it.' They see you look fine and appear healthy, and they think that means you are healthy and can do whatever you want. He understands. Also, his depression and my illness work well together. Some weekends he just wants to sleep because, well, he's depressed and I have a lot of fatigue so I can certainly sleep a lot. We'll sleep all morning, wake up and watch a movie, and then go take a nap together for several hours. I've cuddled more hours with him than anyone else in my entire life.
You are right that he has limited resources to give back right now. And maybe it will continue to be that way and I'll have to walk away at some point. I do have a lot on my plate but I also think I've got it under control (my illness, my job, my custody situation, all are functioning well). I do appreciate all your advice. It takes a lot of time an energy to type all the experiences and opinions you've shared with me, plus the exorbanant time it takes to read my excessively long posts :)
>>>Would you believe, I was afraid of being honest with my B/F (for the same reason as you) until AFTER we got married? THEN I realized that this was NOT a healthy way to behave in a relationship. And I started forcing myself to be more honest (and it is still a daily learning process). My DH was thrown for a loop. Completely. Here is the utterly satisfied compliant woman he married suddenly making her own opinions and feelings known??? I don't think he knew what to do with it. He is only NOW (two years in mind you) learning to be ok with hearing how *I* feel about something, w/out turning into a defensive monster.<<<
Becky - I had therapy last night and had one of those OOOOOHHHHHH! moments. Your post helped me see it, although my therapist saw it before I did (thank goodness for good therapists). I have problems expressing my feelings to my bf because *I* don't even believe my feelings are valid. Instead of telling him I want to spend Christmas with him, I worry whether me saying it will make him feel pressured. I spend my time thinking about and anticipating his feelings while I am discounting my own. He will have a harder time understanding my feelings since I don't bring them up, but also I may have picked to be with him because he would accept me ignoring my feelings and do the same. It's a consistent pattern in all my relationships - that my needs/feelings don't matter, to me or to the guy - and I never saw it before last night.
Until now, I would have said my bf and our relationship is 100% different than any other relationship I've had. It's true in many respects, but now here is a problem. I see it, now I can work on it :) Thanks.
You are most welcome!
I guess in reading your reply, that's exactly how I have always been. Considering others and how they would respond to
It came up right at the end of the session. I guess I'll work on some strategies on my own and then talk to him more. I am ready to try and focus on this. My first goal is to change my own thinking, and then work on expressing my feelings to my bf.
I only go every two weeks now, used to be every week but then I switched jobs and my awesome therapist became 'out of network' and now it's $50 each time I go. We were close to the point where it made sense to go to every other week and there is no way I could afford $200 per month. Putting yourself first is important, but sometimes you just can't budget yourself first. DD's preschool is so expensive but it's a great place for her to be so I can't complain about having to cut other corners to make it work. I make more than my ex and since we have 50/50 physical custody, I have to cover all dd's daycare expense plus pay my ex cs. I got my budget in line this year but there is not much cushion.
I think this is an issue for many women. We tend to worry more about everyone else and put ourselves last.
In the successful marriages I have seen, the women are very good at setting strong boundaries and communicating their needs. If mom or the lady of the house is not happy then no one is happy.
I know I have gotten better about this since my divorce. I have a good saying that works well with most situations I don't like - "that doesn't really work for ME." I have learned to stop living my life for everyone else and it has made a tremendous difference.
It sounds like you have a good therapist and I am glad that you are spending the money on yourself.
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