Update on: Am I being completely shallow
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Update on: Am I being completely shallow
| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:29pm |
First of all, thank you so much for all your great advice and feedback. It's greatly appreciated. Yep, Carlos is definately the kind of guy I would prefer to date.
I probably made my BF sound like a complete loser when he really isn't. The thing that makes it hard is I know he WANTS to have a good career and make money but I think he has gotten frustrated because he doesn't have a lot of exprience in anything lucrative and this job with his family member seemed like a good sales job where he could make good, easy money. No such thing in my opinion. I think his thinking is very relaxed about it all because he only has to worry about his own bills right now and doesn't have to make much to live. It's this type of thinking that bothers me and the fact that he told me he would get his own place soon and wont' be able to if things stay how they are. I don't think it's a matter of changing, I know he's capable of changing...he has proved that in even the smallest ways by changing his lifestyle.
So I called him after reading some of your comments and laid it ALL out and I mean ALL. I didn't hold back and even got a little angry. I told him that I wasn't sure it was going to work out because the way it's going so far it will be years before we'll ever even be able to have a future together because he is perfectly okay with his financial situation. He disagreed and said he's been trying to find a job. I told him not to B.S. me, because this was a big city and it's not that hard to find a job that pays more than he's making in unemployment. He tried to argue that he would just take a simple job to get by JUST until this other job took off. I said, " But it's not, it's not taking off right now and I simply can't understand why you don't just try and find something BETTER than what you're making now." I told him I wanted certain things for my future and I wasn't going to settle for less. He said he knew and he wants to be able to take care of me and support me. I told him that his lack of motivation for not finding a better job sooner has even affected our dating life. I said I was tired of feeling like I had to pay for half of everything and that there are plenty of times I've spent more than he has on a given weekend. He says, "You don't like to pay half?" "Of course not!" I said. "I'm not used to it and I'm not about to get used to it. " He got very quite and said I was right, he had not done enough but he wasn't going to lose me over this and he never wanted me to think less of him. I told him to do it for himself and our future, not just for me.
I just can't imagine leaving him over this without giving him the chance to prove himself and he's not just a nice guy, he's very giving of himself. He may be young but this is a 26 year old that has come to my house while I'm at work and and cleaned it and done my laundry because he knows how stressful my days are and he wants to make my life easier. He has offered to watch my son if I want to have a girl's night out and not have to worry about paying a sitter. He has offered to drive me over the mountais (when it's my turn to take my son to see his dad) in a snowstorm so I don't have to drive. He has lost sleep over the small amount of debt he has so I know he isn't someone who is just okay with bills piling up and is very careful of what he spends when he has little to spend. I guess I'll just wait and see. It's all I can do right now. It would be difficult to break it off if he really tries to find a good job and still doesn't make "enough" you know? It's a tough situation.
I probably made my BF sound like a complete loser when he really isn't. The thing that makes it hard is I know he WANTS to have a good career and make money but I think he has gotten frustrated because he doesn't have a lot of exprience in anything lucrative and this job with his family member seemed like a good sales job where he could make good, easy money. No such thing in my opinion. I think his thinking is very relaxed about it all because he only has to worry about his own bills right now and doesn't have to make much to live. It's this type of thinking that bothers me and the fact that he told me he would get his own place soon and wont' be able to if things stay how they are. I don't think it's a matter of changing, I know he's capable of changing...he has proved that in even the smallest ways by changing his lifestyle.
So I called him after reading some of your comments and laid it ALL out and I mean ALL. I didn't hold back and even got a little angry. I told him that I wasn't sure it was going to work out because the way it's going so far it will be years before we'll ever even be able to have a future together because he is perfectly okay with his financial situation. He disagreed and said he's been trying to find a job. I told him not to B.S. me, because this was a big city and it's not that hard to find a job that pays more than he's making in unemployment. He tried to argue that he would just take a simple job to get by JUST until this other job took off. I said, " But it's not, it's not taking off right now and I simply can't understand why you don't just try and find something BETTER than what you're making now." I told him I wanted certain things for my future and I wasn't going to settle for less. He said he knew and he wants to be able to take care of me and support me. I told him that his lack of motivation for not finding a better job sooner has even affected our dating life. I said I was tired of feeling like I had to pay for half of everything and that there are plenty of times I've spent more than he has on a given weekend. He says, "You don't like to pay half?" "Of course not!" I said. "I'm not used to it and I'm not about to get used to it. " He got very quite and said I was right, he had not done enough but he wasn't going to lose me over this and he never wanted me to think less of him. I told him to do it for himself and our future, not just for me.
I just can't imagine leaving him over this without giving him the chance to prove himself and he's not just a nice guy, he's very giving of himself. He may be young but this is a 26 year old that has come to my house while I'm at work and and cleaned it and done my laundry because he knows how stressful my days are and he wants to make my life easier. He has offered to watch my son if I want to have a girl's night out and not have to worry about paying a sitter. He has offered to drive me over the mountais (when it's my turn to take my son to see his dad) in a snowstorm so I don't have to drive. He has lost sleep over the small amount of debt he has so I know he isn't someone who is just okay with bills piling up and is very careful of what he spends when he has little to spend. I guess I'll just wait and see. It's all I can do right now. It would be difficult to break it off if he really tries to find a good job and still doesn't make "enough" you know? It's a tough situation.

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I think you did the right thing to lay it all on the line how you are feeling about this situation. Your actions did 2 things:
1) give him a chance to rectify a situation
2) give you the mental peace to know that you did do everything needed to make a good decision for yourself
You need to do what is best for you - I think you see this and hope that he will step up to the plate. He sounds nice indeed - but has to be willing to push himself and get somewhere in life.
Keep us posted, okay? Good job!
IMO, NO, you are not being completely shallow. And YES, you did make him sound like a complete loser.
My unbiased opinion is dump him. He sounds immature and irresponsible. Maybe someone fun for a little while but at some point you have to ask yourself where this is going. Which is maybe what you are feeling right now. I hear frustration in your voice. But he will NOT change. If he's this lax now, he will be this lax in the future. You sound like you are more responsible, especially being a single mom. So you DESERVE better. And don't feel bad for this guy. You've only been dating for a few months. He's shown you who he is and if that's not good enough for you, than it will never be... You teach people how you want to be treated. And you cannot change him. So, it's time to let him go and move on. I doubt you want to live the rest of your life frustrated with him or hoping he will change. I say again... YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are valuable. A better guy is probably right around the corner. Chin up and take care.
Love,
Loonybunny
I truly appreciate your advice however I don't completely agree. I know him very well and I know how hard he is on himself. I know he has goals and dreams and aspires to do many things in his life, and even with this current job that isn't going anywhere he has made a lot of effort to try and make it work in the few months. He has just been fed a lot of B.S. by the guys who run the business. I did not just meet this guy 4 months ago we were friends long before and he has always been there for me, always believed in me and I truly think that if he wants this to work bad enough he will make it happen or kill himself trying and only then can I truly judge his character. We all go through rutts in life and he's only been out of college for a year and half. I think it would be very sad if we went through life never believing in other people or believe they are capable of change. Not everyone is capable of change but I think he at least deserves my support if he says things will be different until he proves otherwise.
This is my observation. In your first post, you were frustrated with his lack of ambition to get a GOOD job or manage his money. Then, after several women gave you an honest opinion that you ARE WASTING your time with this guy, you have started defending him. Now, you say he's really not that bad.
I think you got honest feedback. Reread your own post. You DO want someone who is more financially stable. That is not being shallow, it is being wise. Don't make excuses for him. Make right decisions for YOU.
God Bless,
Loonybunny
RMG06,
Good for you, it's nice to see some optimism. Some may say you're being naive, but you have to live with your decision so you should be comfortable with having given it the best chance. Both my current BF and 3Mo. Fling Guy were very much like your BF at that age. Both of these guys (in their 40's) now have good jobs, nice homes, and are great dads. My S18 will most likely be 30 before he settles down and the girl who sees the diamond in the rough will be very fortunate. He is the most empathetic male I've ever known. Unfortunately, the more common outcome is that the guy will continue to have excuses and you will have lost time. You want more children so time is a consideration.
Actually, reading your first post on this new thread got me to broach the finances issue w/my BF. That the whole BF/GF designation changes things, I'm not his pal, I need that sense that he wants to pamper me. It may not be "fair" but the reality is in the courtship game the girl gets pursued, the guy has to be able to be the provider. We're planning a ski trip for Dec. and we've come to a good compromise that will meet my need for romance and his for adventure within the budget.
Well, I'm glad that you talked to him and got things out on the table.
Well... ya cant have him!
I don't understand that one... you're saying a poor man won't cheat on you, but a rich one will?!?? I don't think there is any financial relationship to whether a man will cheat or not! I've seen rich men cheat, I've seen poor men cheat. I've seen rich men who are faithful and poor men who are faithful as well. I don't see how you can make that generalization about men!
And the original poster wasn't even talking about cheating in relation to money. I don't even think she was talking about wanting money. I think it's just a matter of knowing what you want in a person and finding a person who matches that. I know the whole situation of no ambition would be something I'd have a hard time respecting. He could be filthy rich (with family money) but no ambition of his own to be able to stand on his own two feet- and I'd have no respect for him. It's not about the money. It's about having respect for someone with some substance to his self-worth, to have a good work ethic, to just be a responsible person. That doesn't make anyone shallow. It's good to want character in a man.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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