Update on the best friend.....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Update on the best friend.....
8
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:34am

Ok, my best friend and I had it out regarding the post about her hanging up on my new boyfriend. She actually has told me, that she is totally ticked off with ME, because I have chosen this guy over her. That I don't even know this guy long enough, but I am willing to put her on the back burner for him. Then she told me, the only reason she told me she was jealous, was because I would of walked out on her that night, but in reality, she said she isn't and lied to me. WHATEVER!

My question is: As you all know, I haven't really been dating this guy. We are in a LDR and very new, but we've fallen in love. I will be seeing him in 11 days, so that I can tie up loose ends and sign my lease and of course, spend some real quality time with him, to get us through the rest of the two months that we will be separated again.

OH, yeah, back to the question: When, do you put your friends first and when do you put your SO first? Am I wrong to want to put my girlfriend on the backburner for a guy, that has become very important to me? I don't know if my SO and I will work out or not, but my heart says it will and his heart says the same. I am leaving in 2 months to move in the same town as him. She will be leaving to Scottland, yet she says: I should give my SO an ultimatum and tell him that either he deals with my best friend, or he's out of the picture. She says if I don't, then I used her, like I use other people. When I asked her to clarify who I've ever used and in WHAT situation I have SUPPOSIDLY used anyone, she couldn't come up with anything or anyone. The only thing she did say, was that I am polite to her other friends, but that I don't like them and that is two faced. HELLO? That is not using anyone! That is me being respectful to her friends, but it doesn't mean I have to hang out with them, be silly with them, go out with them or act false. That's honest, isn't it?

Am I wrong to think, that she is just TOTALLY off whack here? And doesn't seem to be thinking clearly and rationally or does it seem that I am not the one thinking clearly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:40am


Well I guess I agree with you. My best friend got married and I barely talk to her and we never socialize at all. She is working all the time and then she has her son which I understand but come on. We supposely best friends and now she is no where around. So I guess if she is your friend like she says she is she will just want you to be happy in your life and support you everything you do.

((Hugs)))

Lisa

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:24am

Cat,

I haven't been around in a while so I don't know what this is about, but from what you said it sounds like your friend is very possessive of you. I'll have to go back and see if I can find out what happened on the phone but I don't see what is wrong with being in love and wanting to pursue a relationship with a man. You're in your 30s for God's sake. Friends arent enough! It's perfectly natural to want an intimate relationship. For her to want you to choose between she and Scott is a little teenage sounding to me. Why can't you be friends with her AND be in love?

Also, this may or may not be the case with your friend but ppl sometimes get very jealous when they see someone is love and happy. Sometimes friends would rather not see you that happy because you have something that they dont have.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:12pm

In my opinion, there are a couple of possible ways to look at this...

Your friend is jealous of him, he is taking up most of your time and thoughts now and she doesn't like it.
OR
Your friend is concerned for you, she sees you jumping in with both feet with this guy who you haven't known very long and the only way she knows how to lash out is by becoming possessive of you...

or both.

Either way, she's reacting very immaturely to your situation. And the whole ultimatum thing is a total screw up on her behalf. I wouldn't stand for it. I hate ultimatums...luckily, I haven't had to deal with them too often, but in the few times I have, I've always turned it back on the person giving it. My response has been "I won't be forced to make a choice...so the choice will have to be yours." If she walks, then it is her decision, not yours. A true friend won't walk away.

Edited to add: Why is she saying your SO has to deal with her? Is your SO asking you to choose as well? My response is assuming that your SO has NOT issued his own ultimatum.




Edited 6/10/2005 1:16 pm ET ET by orange_clouds
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:34pm
No, he hasn't at all. The only comment he made, was "Real nice friends you've got there." And he had a right. Otherwise no ultimatum. She was going to come over and help me with the girls to get situated. Then she made other plans and told me she would come later. So I guess she means when she comes to visit that I will have to choose between both. I hate ultimatums as well. I don't react well to them either, so I think that is what angers me. She is turning the whole situation with what happened in my face. As if I deserved it, because he called me and we are happy. I just don't get it.
Yes, she may be concerned that this guy could be a flop, but even she said a few weeks ago, that she has never seen me so happy. I will be 34 soon! I think I am old enough, that I don't need friends or family to make decisions for me. It seems with this whole move that everyone has to put their own negative two cents into it. It's my life, so why can't anyone be happy, that I am happy? I am happy! No matter what's going to face me with no job, the whole new surroundings, the girls and my adaption after 10 years of European culture. The shock will be hard on us all and the adjustments will take time, but I just don't see WHY everyone wants to keep us in this horrible country KNOWING I am sooo miserable for the last 5 yrs. I've tried and tried, so WHY can't anyone just let me be grown up enough to make my decisions; good, bad or neutral? I don't tell ANYONE, nor have I ever told anyone how to live their life. It is frustrating that everyone seems to think they have to tell me. Humph!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:46pm

I don't see why anyone would have to choose between a best friend and an SO. If she is concerned that the relationship is moving too fast, she could express that concern to you without being mean and rude to him on the phone, or trying to force you to pick between him and her. Her behavior to him on the phone was completely inappropriate and it sounds like something a teenager would do.

Why does she think she is on the back burner? Do you talk to her a lot less or see her a lot less now? Did you go from seeing her daily to hardly ever, or did she just lose 'some' time with you. Her reaction seems like a big over reaction. When your friend is in a new relationship, it's reasonable to assume they'd want to focus some time and energy there, and I'm guessing you spend time emailing him and talking to him in the evenings, which is totally natural.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:47pm

Cat,

Your friend did something wrong and is now trying to turn it around and put the onus on YOU. As far as she's concerned, it's your fault that the whole situation happened and it's you who's going to feel bad and apologize for it. Don't get sucked into it, she's being immature and you need to just say, "sorry you feel that way, but I will not play your ultimatum game".

Boo hoo for her that you're moving forward in your life, and you're not depending on her for 100% anymore. She's feeling left out, and instead of saying, "Cat I know you're with this guy and you're all up in the clouds, but I'm down here feeling a little sad on the sidelines..." she told your guy off in an attempt for him to end it.

You don't need that immature attitude or negativeness in your life, you've been living that too long, and you need to be up in the sunshine you've been feeling since you've been making the plans to move back to the US and met this great guy. Your friend should be happy for your happiness, not selfishly trying to sabotage the good thing you have going.

I would stop talking to her for a few weeks, and give her some space to cool down and see what she has done to wreck the relationship you and her had. Focus on the good stuff and the fun times, the organizing of your new life and new love.

(((HUGS)))
Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:08pm

Hey Cat,

This may all be a moot point after the most recent post with the break up and the drug problem, but I really agree with the others and especially this post from Alison.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about choosing an SO over a best friend - you have to go with your gut and intuition.

In this case, I think your friend was way out of line. I would tend to want to give the whole thing a big chill and a lot of time - and then I would not let her be my best friend - maybe only a casual lunch/shopping buddy. Plus you are moving here now and need to put your energies in that.

Hope this helps,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:33pm
How high school. I actually saw some kids acting out this very scenario to interpret how to talk to each other...they modeled the wrong way first (sounds like the dialog with your 'best friend') and then enacted how the jealous and insecure friend should have spoken up about feeling unappreciated because of the new boyfriend. I've got a pair of freshmen students who can tell her a thing or two if you like.
What's the update on this? What did you decide to do?
My own two cents on this is that men come and go, even if you marry them and they are the one, they have that tendency to come and go...but friends and buddies are forever and they do merit some consideration. Has your relationship with her lasted as long as or longer than any relationship you've had with a man? Which relationship is forever? No one appreciates being set aside and then getting that call at 2 a.m. because he was a jerk. I think you both have a point, but she went about talking to you about it wrong.