update on bf storage/fiasco

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
update on bf storage/fiasco
31
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 3:46pm

Hi all. My last post was about feeling stressed and trying to detach from some craziness that is going on and how hard that is on me. I had my mom's death anniversary on Thursday and I managed to make the day work for me and for my DS and things were sad but I had a good cry and bf and I had a long talk about how much I miss her and how it makes me feel to be without her now 9 years...it is in some ways the same pain I felt when it first happened and in other ways I am moving on and that feels sad too. I just simply miss her terribly.
We moved boxes to storage every day last week except Thursday. Friday we rented a truck and I drove it which was kind of funny since I am relatively short and had trouble finding the gas - the brake was higher which was good...lol. We went to the house to pick stuff up in the afternoon and ran into the sister -I will call her "B" which by the way is the first letter of her name. Anyhow, she was very passive aggressive at first, not talking but slamming things and not wanting to look at bf. We had carefully packed up god knows how many boxes to take and she had systematically taken things out of them and left them open - even going as far as leaving their grandfather's bible on the furnace and ruining the cover. Lots of bf's things were on the floor like old photos from school and family events, ruined and eaten by what seems to be mice. The house is a disaster with TRASH everywhere. I have known and loved depressed people in my life and so this type of surroundings seems typical to me for a situation where someone is very troubled. The puppy was running all around the place and with broken glass and pennies, I was carrying him to keep him out of trouble. Somewhere in our interactions that afternoon she shouted something about this being all about him and his gf and I responded by saying "thanks but leave me out of it" to which she replied "just shut the f up, you shouldnt be here at all" Keep in mind, my Mom's stuff was there and they were saying they were going to put in on the street. I kept my distance and let them try and interact but it was mainly my bf pleading with her to please let him know what was wrong and what she was angry about and her cursing and telling him to leave her alone. It didnt last long but she was very verbally abusive to bf and seemed genuinely in pain and unhinged to me. We took a load of boxes after the brief but horrible confrontation and left. I hate confrontations like this and it really had me shook but we were determined to finish so we returned after we had some lunch and knew and talked about that things were probably going to be worse this time because her bf "A" would be back and he has dealt nothing but physical threats out for the last week with no explanation - and I mean NONE. Keep in mind, we PAID the rent they seemed to think he should ( which was ridiculous) just to diffuse things but somehow this has done nothing and in fact things were escalating leaving us at a loss and renting storage to just remove everything that meant anything to him or me over there. It is weird to walk around all week knowing this man wants to beat up his my bf without a reason. Its common knowledge he has a major drinking problem with 2 DUIs in so many years and recent incidents as well so that factor scared me even more. So when we got there, bf's other sister "J" ( far more stable, thank god) was there to help us pack things or repack them ( argh) and move them into the truck. "A" arrived shortly after and when he saw my bf in the kitchen he just immediately attacked him. I didnt expect him to be home for another hour ( stupid) and had my phone charging for exactly such an incident but it was upstairs in J's room. There were three assaults total with no punching, just pushing and shoving down and maybe waiting for a punch - I dont know really but it was awful and very violent. I have never witnessed anything like it and A was seriously out of it. J was valiantly trying to get between them as was I and he was quite willing to toss either of us to the ground to get at my bf. J at one point had to scratch him to get him away from her and us. Meanwhile, my bf's other sister, B, is standing there watching and SMILING with her hand on her hip, smug. I was completely freaked by that and cant imagine why she is so far off the deep end. It was very disturbing to me and has changed my ideas about her completely. It is important to mention I think that this whole time we said very little except to ask them to leave us to just get this done and that we werent looking for any fighting at all. In between the 3 assaults there would be episodes of calm where it would seem A understood he should just leave it and then in fifteen minutes he would come back and pummel my bf with his back turned.
At the end of this, for some reason, A when asked what his problem was exactly and why he couldnt just leave this alone said to bf "You seem to think you are so perfect. " and bf said " No I am not but neither are you. We both have our problems. " and A said sarcasticaly " Really and what are my problem?" and bf said " Quite simply, youre a drunk. and you also seem to have a huge anger management problem" These were almost the first words bf spoke since we got there. We had made a pact to not speak at all just to get things done faster. At this point there was a shouting match and I dont know why exactly but it involved me. B was screaming that he was my boytoy and saying I had ruined him and he hadnt been the same person since we met. I responded ( which now I wonder whether I should have ) and said " That's BS. You seem to forget that he also lost his only living parent 3-4 months after we met. You dont think that has changed him. He's just greiving and I love him. " A is yelling things like "That woman has you just where she wants you" I was completely floored and have no clue what to say. B is laughing and chanting boytoy and I just couldnt take it anymore and lost my temper and yelled at her " You are a freakin enabler and I wont take criticism from you B" Immediately A got up to go after me and said he was going to hit me and then somehow stopped himself and asked HER to come slap me instead. I seriously thought A was going to hit me then and in some ways I wish he had so that finally someone would have called the police. I couldnt get my phone the whole time I was there because I would have had to pass both B and A and go upstairs. He had already tried to push bf down the stairs and as much as I asked J to call the police, she wouldnt. We left after this last blow out kind of horrified all of us and I asked them again to call the police but neither of them would and I dont know exactly why except for that maybe they thought they might lose B forever. I have told them both though that if I am over there again and a finger is lifted towards anyone I will have my phone on me and not ask permission. I feel so stupid already for not having had it on me then and am beating myself up about it still today.
As we got home there were about a dozen crazy violent text messages on bf's phone one of which called my son weird and destined to be gay. I have had enough and have told him that I have no intention of being in a room with that sister again. Maybe when and if she has kids she will understand why but her smiling while he gets beaten, calling me every name in the book, and then bashing my kid? Enough. We had just all been there two weeks ago (HELLO?) to meet the puppy and DS was nothing but bubbly and sweet. I cant be around toxic stuff like this even if it is a cry for help.
We are still shook today. We finished only 98% of the moving. There is STILL some stuff of his fathers over there that HAS to be moved. I dont want to go over there. I really think we need to have a police escort but J seems to think we can just do it when they arent there. She is the eldest so I think she is kind of the new maternal figure but I dont agree with her obviously. It is so clear to me from those texts that night AFTER we left that A is not done with us. I just cant imagine what would happen next and I dont want him going over there by himself either.
Oh and to really top things off, after we left there was apparently a very private in their bedroom on bended knee MARRIAGE PROPOSAL so the wedding is set for summer. I said to my bf " How can there be a marriage proposal after someone nearly got killed and curse words flying everywhere? I almost threw up after we left my stomach was so upset and those two GOT ENGAGED" and he just kissed me and said sarcastically "Well, yea...it wasnt Paris, but it was close enough for them I guess. Something for them to tell their kids. Pretty sad."

I am trying to press the reset button now of course. Do I sound detached yet?LOL I have tons of work and lots going on with DS this week so that should help. I just dont like that the job over there is not done. I really want it over so we can just move on.

Thanks for reading this for those of you who could stomach it. I know it sounds like a mess and it is! It helps to write it out though and I appreciate you guys giving a space to vent and receive support. It has been a harrowing weekend!

Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:42pm
No, his name isnt on the lease. It never was - A's name is on the lease and they were paying rent for rooms there. The big dream was for them to all heal there and be family together. He and I even decorated his room. It seemed like an ok idea at the time since the sisters and my bf had just lost their mom and seemed to want to be close to one another. But eventually he was spending so many night over here with DS and I it just turned out he moved in over here.
Read my last message to Soonee though. Text of apology just came in from him to my bf. Unbelievable.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:46pm

Seriously off his rocker.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:46pm
Didn't I tell you? Definitely a loose cannon! HOLY MOLY is all I GOTTA SAY!! Glad bf is taking it very seriously too! What a hell of a weekend!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 9:20pm
I basically just had a conversation with bf about it and we both see this as typical abuser BS. The whoops I did it again and oops I am so sorry that SHE has been putting up with. I didnt call her an enabler for nothing. I am not that though and neither is BF.
Definately documented.
Ugh I sooooo want this to be over.
I am burying my head in work tomorrow for sure...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 9:21pm
Yea, should have seen it coming. I am sure a mutual friend who is older called him and he just wanted to be able to say he has tried to make amends. I am so not interested in that EVER. He needs to have consequences and btw it isnt as if any apologies were issued in my direction or my sons either.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 11:02pm
Make a police report ASAP *AND* have a police escort there when you retrieve the rest of your htings. This is NO something to screw around with. They sounds extremely unstable - whether it be mental illnes, drugs, alcohol &/or a combo, its crazy to go there w/o the police!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 10:54am
I am working hard to convince bf about the police thing. It is difficult and I think his experiences with violence and people turning on you just dont match mine. I have to be careful not to preach and to just know that he does listen to me. I know he still loves B and I will have to deal with that in time. I have made it clear that I will NOT go over there with or without DS ever again. It was kind of drilled home to me to last night because my son came back from his weekend with his Dad and a day with his cousins and he was so sweet and full of light and wonderful. I wont put myself in a situation that makes me less than I can be for him. He deserves me at 120% and with this going on I have not been. BF is still asleep right now because he is fighting a very bad cold and went back to bed. But when he wakes up we will discuss again.
Its funny because experience really is EVERYTHING sometimes. After the apology text came in, even though bf's first reaction was " That doesnt change a thing. Typical" his second reaction was " At least we can go over now and not worry about getting the stuff". I just dont think he has any experience with this type of behavior - he didnt immediately latch on to the idea that this only means the guy is more unstable not less. It makes me want a restraining order to read his apology. Nobody stable has that many swings in violence within such a short amount of time without a weird dysfunctional motive in play. And no apology to me or my son from anyone so as far as I am concerned the one to bf was for appearances only. It wouldnt surprise me if we arrive there alone and found him there behind the door ready to attack again. Horrible, but true. Anyhow, I am going to try hard to not preach to bf but just to be calm and tell him what my head and heart tell me about this situation and hope he listens.
Thanks for your support.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 1:33pm

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 10:34pm

It is difficult and I think his experiences with violence and people turning on you just dont match mine.


ok, i have been meaning to chime in here, because I am VERY impressed with your level head through this whole drama.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 10:51am
Thanks for your post. I have thought about it a lot and I am sure he "just doesnt see it coming" like I might. I can try and warn him as I did THE FIRST DAY I met A but in the end I have to let him find out for himself. I am older than him but older isnt always wiser. I just have had more experiences with American men (and women - there just arent any but me in this particular mess) and can see through people who are abusers since I lived with one once.
When we first started dating we fell in love immediately and have been inseparable since. For what it is worth I was used to a bit more space but he is so damn likable I adjusted my own boundaries and just let my guard down. HE wanted to meet my son. HE wanted to attend all of my concerts and meet my father. Still to this day, we laugh more and play more than any couple I know and I am very lucky to have found him. Inside of that though there is shared pain in losing parents and a lot of deep thought around parenting and handling my son and his adjustments to the past year. He is a real gem. I am sorry that his family might think that this is me having him as a boy toy. I have simply never dated anyone even remotely younger until now and it just happened this way. I would take care of him someday if I needed to and I do sometimes even right now because he has his sad days and needs support but he is grieving. THat isnt a boy toy scenario - that is a love scenario. I understand his pain all too well and I know even mild depression like the back of my hand. It is possible that his sisters have seen less of him since we met but they have been very distant themselves and extremely critical of him when they do talk in part because he is the youngest. I have been very good to step to the side when need be and let them be together at important times. Christmas is a great example of this. My child would have loved Christmas morning with bf and I in one house but one of his sisters , J, wanted to spend eve and christmas morning with him in what I now call "the house of pain". I immediately agreed to this and dealt with my own disappointment alone. They havent always been able to find one another to heal over whats happened to them and when one of them reaches out I immediately take a step back and support. But I have never really felt they exactly accepted me. And I know that they do not KNOW me either. They have only been to my house once and met my DS twice. They have never been to hear me perform even though I always offer tickets and they have never joined bf and I on any of our fun meetups with our mastiff dogs on weekends. It just seemed like they werent interested in seeing happiness between us. I have always been so immediately embraced and accepted by every other bf's family - this is new to me. I honestly chalked it up to timing with the Mom's death and possibly an aversion to single moms for their brother but now after the boy toy stuff it is hard to shake that it might be something more. And J didnt speak to me specifically about the boytoy comments to refute them either although she had been through a lot already so maybe that means nothing.
I might seem level headed but I am just trying to move on. I wish I had more reassurance that things eventually could be happy between all of us but I guess nobody gets that. I just have to be blessed and happy to have HIM in my life and let the rest play out.
They were raised btw in Teaside at least in part. Father was a plastic surgeon and mother was his nurse. 3 sisters total and my bf being the youngest. Not that it matters but the other sister , F, ( not in this story at all ) could be the nutsiest of all and lives in UK with her new husband. He is also abusive and has sent venomous emails to every one including their mother when she was alive. This didnt stop the sister from marrying him however and bf is trying to just allow a new leaf since their marriage in the beginning of the year. So some of this sounds familiar doesnt it?
Lilypie - Personal picture