update on bf storage/fiasco

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
update on bf storage/fiasco
31
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 3:46pm

Hi all. My last post was about feeling stressed and trying to detach from some craziness that is going on and how hard that is on me. I had my mom's death anniversary on Thursday and I managed to make the day work for me and for my DS and things were sad but I had a good cry and bf and I had a long talk about how much I miss her and how it makes me feel to be without her now 9 years...it is in some ways the same pain I felt when it first happened and in other ways I am moving on and that feels sad too. I just simply miss her terribly.
We moved boxes to storage every day last week except Thursday. Friday we rented a truck and I drove it which was kind of funny since I am relatively short and had trouble finding the gas - the brake was higher which was good...lol. We went to the house to pick stuff up in the afternoon and ran into the sister -I will call her "B" which by the way is the first letter of her name. Anyhow, she was very passive aggressive at first, not talking but slamming things and not wanting to look at bf. We had carefully packed up god knows how many boxes to take and she had systematically taken things out of them and left them open - even going as far as leaving their grandfather's bible on the furnace and ruining the cover. Lots of bf's things were on the floor like old photos from school and family events, ruined and eaten by what seems to be mice. The house is a disaster with TRASH everywhere. I have known and loved depressed people in my life and so this type of surroundings seems typical to me for a situation where someone is very troubled. The puppy was running all around the place and with broken glass and pennies, I was carrying him to keep him out of trouble. Somewhere in our interactions that afternoon she shouted something about this being all about him and his gf and I responded by saying "thanks but leave me out of it" to which she replied "just shut the f up, you shouldnt be here at all" Keep in mind, my Mom's stuff was there and they were saying they were going to put in on the street. I kept my distance and let them try and interact but it was mainly my bf pleading with her to please let him know what was wrong and what she was angry about and her cursing and telling him to leave her alone. It didnt last long but she was very verbally abusive to bf and seemed genuinely in pain and unhinged to me. We took a load of boxes after the brief but horrible confrontation and left. I hate confrontations like this and it really had me shook but we were determined to finish so we returned after we had some lunch and knew and talked about that things were probably going to be worse this time because her bf "A" would be back and he has dealt nothing but physical threats out for the last week with no explanation - and I mean NONE. Keep in mind, we PAID the rent they seemed to think he should ( which was ridiculous) just to diffuse things but somehow this has done nothing and in fact things were escalating leaving us at a loss and renting storage to just remove everything that meant anything to him or me over there. It is weird to walk around all week knowing this man wants to beat up his my bf without a reason. Its common knowledge he has a major drinking problem with 2 DUIs in so many years and recent incidents as well so that factor scared me even more. So when we got there, bf's other sister "J" ( far more stable, thank god) was there to help us pack things or repack them ( argh) and move them into the truck. "A" arrived shortly after and when he saw my bf in the kitchen he just immediately attacked him. I didnt expect him to be home for another hour ( stupid) and had my phone charging for exactly such an incident but it was upstairs in J's room. There were three assaults total with no punching, just pushing and shoving down and maybe waiting for a punch - I dont know really but it was awful and very violent. I have never witnessed anything like it and A was seriously out of it. J was valiantly trying to get between them as was I and he was quite willing to toss either of us to the ground to get at my bf. J at one point had to scratch him to get him away from her and us. Meanwhile, my bf's other sister, B, is standing there watching and SMILING with her hand on her hip, smug. I was completely freaked by that and cant imagine why she is so far off the deep end. It was very disturbing to me and has changed my ideas about her completely. It is important to mention I think that this whole time we said very little except to ask them to leave us to just get this done and that we werent looking for any fighting at all. In between the 3 assaults there would be episodes of calm where it would seem A understood he should just leave it and then in fifteen minutes he would come back and pummel my bf with his back turned.
At the end of this, for some reason, A when asked what his problem was exactly and why he couldnt just leave this alone said to bf "You seem to think you are so perfect. " and bf said " No I am not but neither are you. We both have our problems. " and A said sarcasticaly " Really and what are my problem?" and bf said " Quite simply, youre a drunk. and you also seem to have a huge anger management problem" These were almost the first words bf spoke since we got there. We had made a pact to not speak at all just to get things done faster. At this point there was a shouting match and I dont know why exactly but it involved me. B was screaming that he was my boytoy and saying I had ruined him and he hadnt been the same person since we met. I responded ( which now I wonder whether I should have ) and said " That's BS. You seem to forget that he also lost his only living parent 3-4 months after we met. You dont think that has changed him. He's just greiving and I love him. " A is yelling things like "That woman has you just where she wants you" I was completely floored and have no clue what to say. B is laughing and chanting boytoy and I just couldnt take it anymore and lost my temper and yelled at her " You are a freakin enabler and I wont take criticism from you B" Immediately A got up to go after me and said he was going to hit me and then somehow stopped himself and asked HER to come slap me instead. I seriously thought A was going to hit me then and in some ways I wish he had so that finally someone would have called the police. I couldnt get my phone the whole time I was there because I would have had to pass both B and A and go upstairs. He had already tried to push bf down the stairs and as much as I asked J to call the police, she wouldnt. We left after this last blow out kind of horrified all of us and I asked them again to call the police but neither of them would and I dont know exactly why except for that maybe they thought they might lose B forever. I have told them both though that if I am over there again and a finger is lifted towards anyone I will have my phone on me and not ask permission. I feel so stupid already for not having had it on me then and am beating myself up about it still today.
As we got home there were about a dozen crazy violent text messages on bf's phone one of which called my son weird and destined to be gay. I have had enough and have told him that I have no intention of being in a room with that sister again. Maybe when and if she has kids she will understand why but her smiling while he gets beaten, calling me every name in the book, and then bashing my kid? Enough. We had just all been there two weeks ago (HELLO?) to meet the puppy and DS was nothing but bubbly and sweet. I cant be around toxic stuff like this even if it is a cry for help.
We are still shook today. We finished only 98% of the moving. There is STILL some stuff of his fathers over there that HAS to be moved. I dont want to go over there. I really think we need to have a police escort but J seems to think we can just do it when they arent there. She is the eldest so I think she is kind of the new maternal figure but I dont agree with her obviously. It is so clear to me from those texts that night AFTER we left that A is not done with us. I just cant imagine what would happen next and I dont want him going over there by himself either.
Oh and to really top things off, after we left there was apparently a very private in their bedroom on bended knee MARRIAGE PROPOSAL so the wedding is set for summer. I said to my bf " How can there be a marriage proposal after someone nearly got killed and curse words flying everywhere? I almost threw up after we left my stomach was so upset and those two GOT ENGAGED" and he just kissed me and said sarcastically "Well, yea...it wasnt Paris, but it was close enough for them I guess. Something for them to tell their kids. Pretty sad."

I am trying to press the reset button now of course. Do I sound detached yet?LOL I have tons of work and lots going on with DS this week so that should help. I just dont like that the job over there is not done. I really want it over so we can just move on.

Thanks for reading this for those of you who could stomach it. I know it sounds like a mess and it is! It helps to write it out though and I appreciate you guys giving a space to vent and receive support. It has been a harrowing weekend!

Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 11:41am

I'm wondering if you interrupted a perfectly lovely co-dependent relationship or two, and they resent you for it.


So some of this sounds familiar doesn't it?


Unfortunately it does, from several perspectives.


A hard look at the family tree, as West says, might be revealing because personality disorders and emotional handicaps definitely have a familial component.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 12:41pm

ITA with

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 6:27pm
This post helped me think about things in a much healthier way so thank you so much. I hadnt thought about it exactly that way. What is strange about that is that it teaches me something about myself even. I KNOW what you wrote as a concept already and have seen it and lived it a bit in my own family. I think I could have come up with it for someone else but honestly it didnt occur to me here because I think my feelings were still stinging from the insults ( I know I know) and my heart is involved. I got blinded by the sheer violence of th situation and hadnt taken the time to get clinical on their arses. lol
Of course you are probably right and I have unbalanced the nuts and blots of the family dynamic and even when it is for the better, it shakes things up. I dont even know whether it is for the better but I certainly know he is happy here with my son and I and we are definitely good for one another. I was really caught off guard with them making it out like I have ruined him - it just seemed so out of left field. And I hadnt thought about the age difference....well, in ages!
Thanks again. YOu have really put my mind in a different place and it is just what I needed!
I have concerts coming up and even though I have worked a lot this week there has been underlying tension I havent been able to get rid of and it effects my playing!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 6:30pm
Thanks so much to both you and soonee. It has really helped me. I hadnt thought about it in this way and I certainly should have. I really appreciate everyone's support on here. You girls are wonderful with all of your different viewpoints and ways of looking at things.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 8:39pm

The experience you just had over there would be unsettling - to say the least!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 8:53pm
I would attach a music file here but it is too big apparently. I can send through email if you want!:)
I am in rehearsal tomorrow so it is kind of the day of reckoning to see how I have been doing since this whole thing went down. I worked hard today though so it should be fine. I purposefully had silly fun with bf and son this evening doing valentines etc to see if I can remove that extra bit of tension:) I have another idea too but it is just for bf...horrible but true:)
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 11:27pm

YES!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 11:40pm

>


Not horrible, and PERFECTLY natural!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 8:05am
Sure....how do I find it though. I am still relatively new at this whole thing. Also, I think my email address that links here is not working as of the New Year - I just come to the board and look. I would love to change it to my aol account but dont know how to do that either.
Sorry to ask techie questions!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 8:08am
Thanks Moon. You're right - it isnt horrible!! ( how funny did that sound?)
Lilypie - Personal picture