Update on CNDG

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Update on CNDG
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Sun, 02-10-2008 - 12:46pm

OK shrimpychimps asked for an update so here is one...

Cute Gal had her semi-regular weekend away with her "Ya Yas" close circle of girlfriends and shared about "us" with them. She told them about the time we were together and how she was doing a visualization with me. CNDG is not a word person but more of a visual/picture person. So she was sharing how she saw that her heart was this big stone on a rope and was dragging her down while she was trying to swim in this pool.

Background: CNDG's focus on her personal growth is to get more in touch with her feelings and be able to express them for she feels that her feelings are surrounded by cotton. CNDG has fear around actually feeling her feelings. This was my original concern when I first met her, that she was more into her head than her emotions/heart. It turns out she is a deeply feeling person who does retreat into her head much like me.

So I was holding her while we were laying on my couch and was telling her that she is strong and can carry her heart up to the surface and it would not drown her. I told her that she can pull the big, heavy stone heart up and put it inside of her where it belongs where it will transform into this big soft, open heart. She was worried where all the rope would go and I told her that I'm right there with her and take up the slack.

So her Ya Yas all thought that was great. So I feel more at ease that Cute Gal thinks there is an "us" now. Before she has been cautious about being in relationship because of her newly divorced status and not wanting to give up her independence and getting into another commitment. I have told her that I don't expect any commitments or have expectations.

So for V-day, I got a Vietnamese rice basket for it looked better than any other type of container to put cotton balls in. It is unusual, decorative, and Asian .. all elements that I thought would make up a nice gift. I got a bag of cotton balls and put it in the basket with a stone (the stone is associated with the heart chakra) heart pendant with a heavy string tied to it (representing the visualization we did together). The pendant is buried in the cotton balls.

Last week I took her to see Rodrigo y Gabriella, a Mexican guitar duo. It was funny for before I met CNDG I sorta wanted to go see them but did not want to see/hear them at that particular venue and had nobody to go with. Then CNDG mentioned how she liked them so BINGO, I went out and got tickets and we had great seats (the main reason why I was reluctant in going was the lack of great seats). It was a blast.

The thing with CNDG is her time available for just us. She has her two DD (12, 13) every other weekend and does not want to take any time away from them even to talk on the phone with me. She does not have them on Wed, Thu nights but that does not allow any overnights so we have spend one overnight since we started dating beginning of December. Plus this month she has DDs three weekends in a row.

What I love about our relationships is that we are both learning about ourselves and growing so much because of each other. I am learning patience and letting the relationship grow slowly. Our relationship is so rich and deep as it is but there is that element of ordinariness of the day-to-day activity that is missing. The book "If the Buddha Date" exemplifies our relationship.

I am readjusting my life now for my DD14 is distancing herself more and more because of her wanting to be with her BFFL (best friends for life) so I am back to my pre-CNDG life where I am spending my time working out. I am not so motivated in putting myself "out there" to socialize because I have CNDG in my life and I'm an introvert.

So life is good, I find it challenging that we don't see or even talk to each other as much as I would like. I am use to daily check ins with my previous partners.

Mark

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 1:39pm

What is a Vietnamese basket? You are very creative.

Glad to hear you can enjoy each other's company as friends. You are being patient. I am not sure I would be that patient - but that is just me. I lack patience!! LOL!!

Sounds like your DD14 is being a normal teenager - what is BFFL? I guess I have to get up to speed on the whole teenage lingo thing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 1:50pm
it sounds like she just needs time.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 11:22pm

Vietnamese Rice Basket
These baskets were traditionally used to carry rice seed. Each basket is lacquered, painted and then decorated with rattan. The interior of the basket is painted black still allowing the weave of the basket to be shown.




Edited 2/10/2008 11:23 pm ET by mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: mhash
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 11:27pm
That is beautiful!
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 1:36pm

I'm bummed because I do honor her time to assimilate the changes in her life (like with me) however ,as she puts it, she moves at a "glacial pace."


Her main Love Language (see The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman) is Quality Time which is one of my top ways of feeling and giving love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 1:47pm

Well, I must need to brush up on all sorts of lingo as I have no idea what CNDG is!


I don't have alll the history here, but I would say that it's odd that she won't talk to you when her kids are with her...what about after they've gone to bed? Or a quick call while she's at startbucks to say she's thinking of you?


I would say that's not too much to ask. Also when you aren't having sleepovers (unless that was established early) and aren't talking daily, you aren't in a relationship.


You sound like a great guy...don't let her being you down.


As far as your 14 year old DD, make one day a week DDAY (Dad's Day) a sunday afternoon or a saturday morning where you two just have a set plan. Go to breakfast, go see a movie....go get a manicure (yes, Dad's do that), this way while she loves her BFF, you two can keep "you time" going. 14 is a tough age!


Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:00pm

CNDG is Marks nick-name for his girl!!--Cute Newly Divorced Girl--also an explaination for her hesitation!


April

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:02pm

Thanks for your interest and comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: mhash
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:05pm
Ah...ok...makes total sense!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: mhash
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 9:47am

Hey Mark- I do hope you and CNDG have a nice evening tonight! Although you sound a bit sad about it... I do hope it turns out to be a great time anyway, and you get that excitement back about what you guys have brewing.


And I do think you have something brewing, even if it seems like she pulls back 2 steps for each one you make. I still think it's because of the newly-divorced thing, and she is still learning how to establish herself as her own person and with her kids. She sounds farily well-grounded, so my hunch is that she won't take forever to heal and be more ready to move on. And if you stay patient, I just feel that you guys CAN move on together. Everything you say about the 2 of you sound so wonderful and solid, even if she is treading in carefully! I think it's GREAT that she isn't jumping in without thinking first, and using you for simply soothing hurts.

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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