Update on "Exclusivity Talk" ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Update on "Exclusivity Talk" ...
17
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 4:46am
Ok- we are back to sanity :)

We have decided that this all came too soon, after only a couple months of seeing each other

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:34am
Okay - thanks! Message sent!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:56am

I would like to add my experience and thoughts on the sexual thing.

You and I could have been the same person at one time! Before my marriage, my only goal in life was my career. I loved my work and worked a lot. Men were something on the sideline - always there in mass quantities as needed. I had fling after fling after fling. Didn't care - when I got sick of one I would have another. Or what would most often happen is that I would move for school or work. Chemistry ruled.

Sure, the experiences were fun. That was all in the pre-AIDS/herpes era - bc pills did not bother me. I thankfully never got pregnant.

But my days since having my son and my divorce have dramatically changed ME. I started dating after being separated but before the divorce was final over 6 years ago. Dated a lot - both from real life but a lot from online. Learned a big lesson that dating has really changed. And really found out a lot about myself and what I want and how to spot it. Luckily I had this board, a lot of books and some 20 something friends who are navigating it in real life and have found the one.

I have learned, for myself, through hard knocks, that it is best for ME to wait for intimacy until I really decide
a) if the man is right for me as far as our life situation
b) is he that into me for me as a person rather than just a sexual release
c) is he a nice and stable person who would be a good mentor for my son
d) does he want a committed monogamous relationship with ME

Sex really clouds my judgement on all of those. It causes me to become attached too soon and too easily. It causes me to overlook red flags that I often see in the beginning but overlook because sex is such a strong glue. I do believe that my former ways were not good for me. So I am trying a different approach - and skipping the online thing. Not that I think the online thing is bad - but in my age group here, it just doesn't pull up the kind of person I want to meet. I really have found happiness in being alone, rather than dreading it. I have gotten picky. And I am now very hopeful the right one will come along and I will spot him and allow him to court me to the fullest.

That is just where my head is at - wanted to share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:49am

I agree with you 100% on the sexual advice. Because I also get blinded or overlook major issues because of sex. That's how I ended up with my ex abusive husband. I don't want to go down that road again.

I think a major difference is not looking for sex to fill some void in my life. Not looking to a man to fill some void in my life either. I'm happy to say that now I date out of adventure, out of getting to know new and different types of people. Not out of a need to be with someone. And that's the caution that I'll put there. Great advice ...even if I don't always follow it ;-)

And great advice about work place and relationships.... the mirror and the window.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:39pm

It is a shame that you had to be with an abusive ex to learn this lesson!

That is what got me in trouble with my ex as well - having sex too soon, getting too attahed and then putting the whole relationship on some kind of speed train where it just goes too fast and you are so busy enjoying the ride through all of the stages that you don't really see or know where you are going.

I was able to reflect on all of my relationships and my dating practices and see where I went wrong for me. One of the things that helped with that was watching my 20 something babysitters navigate today's dating waters - and to see what it looks like when a guy is "that into you" as a girlfriend not just a friend with benefits or a booty call.

Basically - they don't do anything!! They look great and have a great life because they are still living at home with their folks and have a huge social life with their church. Yes, they do want to get married and have kids - but only with the right person.

I watched them one by one with their boyfriends. Both guys just flipped over them - finding them to be just what they were looking for. Both guys worked very hard to impress them - and both guys respect their wishes to not get intimate until after marriage. What a huge change that makes in the whole dating process. They are really developing great friendships with each other, each other's friends and families.

I remember one time where one of the BFs was just amazed at one of them - she was cooking - and he really dug that. He absolutely would NEVER want someone else to date her or date anyone else. He shows her off to all his friends and family. He wants to know her opinion on many things. He knows he has to finish school before marriage - but they both know they are for each other.

I don't know as though I would wait til marriage - like them - but I would certainly wait a LOT longer. No more train wrecks for me. And now I know what it looks like when a guy is that into you. And you don't have to do anything really - except get out of the house. And that is my plan for 2007. I have a lot of new things planned socially that are all local.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:43pm

It is not a "shame" that I learned my lesson the hard way.

If that is the way I had to learn... I am not ashamed. God's grace is sufficient for me. His Power is made perfect in my weaknesses. Everything I have gone thru up to this point has made me the person I am today. I would not change a thing. I do however strive to make better choices today but ultimately God is in control. I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Praise Him.

There is no shame and no condemnation either for myself or others. Peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 9:36pm

Yes, I agree with you mostly on the sex/intamacy idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 8:05am

I think it is great that you can have fun and not get attached. You have it better under control than most of us.

I am just stupid sentimental and I guess I confuse passion for love or something. I have always been the type of person to be too nice and put the needs of everyone else ahead of me. That is another thing that landed me in trouble with my exh and his family. But no more!

I think that is why you are doing great dating so many people. I would love to see you too busy for Carlos when he calls again!! :-P

Keep us posted!!

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