UPDATE - Is he embarrassed???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
UPDATE - Is he embarrassed???
7
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 8:10pm

Hi Ladies!

After I sent him my lenghty, well thought out e-mail, I was surprised to get phone call from him. He normally doesn't call me, I always call him. I guess my e-mail sent him in panic mode which is not the first time for him (I've had conversations like this before). Our CL West said that he reminded her of a man that she once knew. She said this "He always held me at arms lenght - we would get close and he would pull back." She also mentioned not meeting anyone in his life. I thought to myself, Wow! Sounds like "S" to me.

I mentioned this wasn't our first time having a conversation like this. Actually, I have tried to get rid of him twice before only for it to really snap him back into shape but only for him to pull away once again. I hope he realizes he won't get any more chances. Anyways, I thought I'd add a little insight about him.

He's only been separated for 18 months and in the process of a divorce (his ex-wife filed) and it's ugly (lots of money to fight over), this isn't is first marriage but his second and his two kids have different mothers. He assures me he they aren't getting back together, which I'm pretty sure they're not (I don't get that feeling). It's pretty complicated on his end. He has a lot of weight on his shoulders. He's still supporting his ex, she still has access to all his money and they still have joint accounts (yes, this bugs me and is unheard of!!!) She hasn't worked in the 10 years they were married. He's trying to gain financial independence from her. He is one of the directors at a well know bio-tech company here in San Francisco and for almost 12 years he has been buried in his work (I really think this contributed to the ending of his marriage). I told him it would suck to be his wife right now!!! Now he realizes that he needs work/life balance. So anyways, he's got a lot to tackle right now.

Ok - I finally did end up seeing him. He called me back while I was at Border's buying the book Deal Breakers (from shrimpy's posting) and he asked me to come over even though his son was sleeping downstairs (he's never asked me to come over when his kids are home). You know, it was really nice to see him. He has these dreamy eyes and a smile that could melt your heart!!! I stayed for a little bit, played with his dog and on the way home he called me to thank me for coming over - very attentive!!! The timing may not be right as my divorced just finalized and he is just in the process but he gets me, he really does and we have this unspoken connection like no other but in the land of dating, if it doesn't work out with him, there are still plenty of fish in the sea and I'll find one sooner or later. Well, I'm going to stay with him in hopes he doesn't pull away again if he does, I'll cut the cord next time.

Ladies, I always appreciate your comments either good or bad so thank you for reading!

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 9:24pm

Very attentive = at HIS house!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 9:24pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:36pm

Sorry I forgot to mention what he said about my e-mail. This is part of the e-mail he sent me today after seeing me last night:

Hey you!

I hope you slept well last night; thank you for coming over and being in my arms; it helped clear the air a bit if you know what I mean. :)

Please know that I think you're super special and caring and loving and wonderful and thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns - yes, I know that's you and it's honest and comes from the heart - that's why you're you! You are beautiful.

I don't have all the answers and likely nobody does as there is a complexity involved but I do know that if you keep the big picture in mind and enjoy the time and not get drawn into over evaluation, it will all work out - thinks are at a pinnacle of craziness at the moment and I sooooo look forward to getting my divorce finalized and the MSA in place as I will have a path forward that's more predictable - I choose the windshield to live life through not the rear view mirror! I too want to align the weekends to spend more time together and do the things we have in common as that's why we're together in the first place - the passion and connection of doing things that we enjoy!

Stay you and I fully understand your shared thoughts and I apologize if I ever you feel less than special - that is NOT my intention as you truly are a great loving person!


Ok, gotta get coffee too; I'll bring the girl as my co-pilot and be back at ya later!

Have a great morning!

xoxoxo
S ;)

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:28am

Oh, so he ISN'T single... that explains alot. He might be separated, but he is still married (because they aren't divorced) and there is still alot of potential emotional turmoil in store for him. Even if he is accepting of the divorce, there will still be things that will come up that will emotionally whack him upside the head. Especially when he was married for as long as they were.

I'm guessing he feels that he is free to date you, but maybe his STBX isn't aware that he is dating anyone- and he is trying to keep that hidden, for whatever reason.

If you want to keep seeing him, then just tread carefully. Don't make any long-term plans with him and don't expect too much from him, IMO. I think he has some emotional adjustments ahead as well as maybe some "growing pains" as far as being single again once the divorce is finalized. I remember when I got divorced... although I was wanting it to end, I was also finding myself really wanting to have some attention from men... but SOOO not ready for anything serious. I just wanted to get out and test the waters to make sure I was still able to attract, but I was not a person looking to keep anyone permanently. Which really wasn't fair to any of the men- if they were wanting something more permanent- because I wasn't able to offer that, even though I was wanting to date.

So just don't expect or demand anything permanent from him while the whole divorce is still going on, or still this fresh. Just my 2 cents.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:56am

You said it Shrimpy!!! I can think back to when my ex decided to leave and the I was excited to get back out there but also scared at the same time. I can remember the first guy I dated, we went out for 4 months (he had no kids) and there were so many "deal breakers" but I could not find myself to end it with him until he let me go. I wanted to be with someone, anyone SO BADLY!!!

Also, I know my guy has a lot to sort out with his emotions. I want to stand by him and see him through. With him, he doesn't really let me in, in terms of how he's feeling or his thoughts on his divorce. That part he keeps guarded. One things for sure, we cannot predict the future. I just hope he isn't in my position when I first got separated (wanting to have someone so badly). We are both at different spots in our lives and it would be nice to meet at the end of the tunnel. From what I get from him, we both want the same thing, to be together but know that we both still have ex's to deal with and many potential obstacles as he heads full force with his divorce. The real test is to see if we make it through his divorce and still end up standing together???? You're right, I can't expect anything too serious with him right now while he is still getting divorces.

Thanks for your input Shrimpy!

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:57am

Vanessa, I'm glad you understand what I mean. I'm not saying that you guys might not be able to make it through 'the stuff' and still end up together on the other side, but just be aware that there are SO MANY changes ahead that it's not good to depend on it or expect it. He is likely to change his heart and mind several times through it all, and so might you.

Sounds like you have some emotional and relationship healing to deal with as well with your own ex situation, from what you said. So just be aware that you BOTH might be leaning on each other alot for support, and sort of as a crutch of sorts- and once one of you or both of you have moved through the emotional healing... be aware that you might not need 'the crutch' anymore- meaning you might find yourselves not needing each other anymore, "to help each other through".

I guess one way to know how much you are "using" each other as possible divorce crutches, is to examine just how much you might talk or vent to each other about the divorces. If you find your conversations centering on 'the stuff' often... then the crutch situation is in place. If you guys don't talk about anything but other things when you're together, then maybe it might not be. Just keep your eyes open and don't let the lovey-dovey floating hearts syndrome black out being able to see the relationship for what it is (or might be). Understand that you both might be more "needy" right now than you will be once the divorce dust has settled into something more normal. I think everyone going through a split goes through a needy stage at some point... and that is usually a dangerous time to get too seriously involved, because you're not really 'yourself' yet.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 5:38pm

Hi Shrimpy,

Thanks for you input. I will have to see with this one. You're right feelings do change and who knows??? Our conversations don't really revolve around our divorces (I guess a good thing). He really doesn't share too much with me on what's going on with his ex. I usually have to start the conversations and then he will share with me.

I posted the e-mail he sent me after seeing him that night and having a talk. It's in this same posting I think discussion 5 or 6.

-Vanessa

Vanessa