UPDATE - "is he the one post?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
UPDATE - "is he the one post?"
2
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:22pm

Hi Ladies!

I just wanted to give all of you a big THANK YOU for giving me all of your advice/experiences! I truly appreciate all of it even the ones that were hard to read, but hey, I asked for advice right?

Question:

My exH and I separated Sept. 2005, our divorce finalized Dec. 2006. Is this considered being divorces over a year? I have no idea???

Ok, the UPDATE part:

I went on a date with this guy (read my previous post) last night (1/6) and I had to clear up a few things with him because earlier that day, he sent me a lengthy e-mail saying he did a lot of thinking and basiclly, to summarize the e-mail he thought I was dating with the expectation of marriage. In there he said, I had strong feelings for him....blah, blah, blah. Anyways, he got it all wrong. In his past, he's told me all the GF's wanted to marry him and wanted kids with him so that basiclly set the stage for me the "new girl" right? He thinks that all girls he dates from this point on will want to marry him!!! Speaking of "red" flags, is overly confindent one of them? I think he thinks he's the cream of the crop. I'll be the judge of that ladies!!

Over dinner, we discussed the issues that came up. I cleared up with him, that I was not dating him with the expectation of marriage because, heck, I don't even know him. You know what? I need to feel this guy out first of all because if he says all his past GF's wanted to marry him and all the relationships ended is he really "marriage material?" Well, we told each other this is only a trial, you know, kind of like a new job. We need to see if we fit together and can do this together. I made it CLEAR to him, marriage is not in my distant future. So, we agreed, this is a trial but he is going to be exclusive with me, in other words, we are going out! I am excited and at the same time apprehensive. I still have my guard up. I have no expectations from this guy. I will get to know him day by day, I will read the "red" flags that come up which I'm sure there will be some. I will not fall head over heals in love with him so soon (I've done it in the past). I will take this relationship day by day and not look too far into the future. He told me, he's not sure what the next few months will bring....honest or just bull? I guess what he said is true, you truly don't know what to expect when going into a new relationship. In the next few weeks I'll feel him out, see what he's really about. Out of all honesty, if it doesn't work out, FINE, I'll move on. I've been there before only to look back the last guy wasn't all that. Sure, I'll probably miss him for a week or two and I'll be fine with bigger and better things on the horizon.

As for the date, we had a great time!!! After dinner, my sister, her boyfriend, and my cousin were celebrating birthdays so I asked him to come join us after all it was very informal and there were a ton of people going anyways. Well, we had a great time, holding hands, a little flirting and some kissing and I kicked his butt at all the games (We went to an adult style arcade/bar). The evening went well and we will be seeing each other again!

With all this said and done, I CAN'T tell if he is the one, but who cares if he isn't? I've adjusted my head and screwed it back the right way and did some thinking after reading all of your posts! Thank you so much ladies!

-V

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:14pm

To answer your question about divorce, you will be divorced for 1 year in December 2007.

About the guy, I wouldn't be too thrilled about him. He already feels like you're putting pressure on him to get married. WOW!!!! If a guy is really into you, he's having fun right away. He's pursuing you, trying to get to know. you He's not feeling suffocated and expecting that you want to get married right away. If he's feeling pressured already, he's not going to stick around for long.

Yes, he will enjoy dating you exclusively. There's some safety in it for him to know that you aren't dating others and soon enough he'll get to sleep with you if you're exclusive. But, it's not likely he will fall in love with you. You'll be a comfort to him until he feels like taking a risk and pursuing some other woman for real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:38pm

It is very good that you came here to join us!! :-)

When you take the time to type your thoughts and gather feedback and opinions you learn a lot.

The women on this board combined have a LOT of dating experience and good advice.

I know when you start out that it is tempting to react positively to any attention you get. In time you will learn that you have to filter out what is good and what is bad.

Overall, the general consensus here, with those who are in positive, happy and fulfilling relationships, is that the ideal situation is to have a guy who is "that into you." There is a book with this title that is an easy straight forward read as well.

A guy who is "that into you" is just that - trying to impress you, positive, moving forward, light-hearted; it's just easy. Moody's story is a most recent one. And fivesense is another. If you go further back you will see that our own firstamendment is married to a guy like this. The guys all wanted to impress them. Called to make plans in advance. Did exactly what they said they were going to do. Wanted exclusivity fairly early.

It is good to gather experience to find what you want and don't want. If I was you, and particularly since you feel you fall head over heels too soon and are fresh out of a relationship, I would date in a more casual manner - date a few people at the same time. rlch is one good example here on this board for that! And maybe keep to a group setting or out in public so you don't wind up in the sack sooner than you feel comfortable with.

Whatever you decide, we are always here for advice. I do feel you have gotten great advice so far.