Update: I called and cancelled yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Update: I called and cancelled yesterday
12
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:45pm

So, yesterday I called the new guy and cancelled our plans to go out for italian ice with Amber and told him to call me later because we needed to talk.

Those of you who read my previous post know that we hadn't gone out before and that he just asked me out this past weekend.

Well, this week, he got downright possessive! On Wednesday night, he called and left a message for me because we weren't home. He was ticked on the message - he said he called my cell phone and left a message and now I was not home, so where could I be and call him as soon as I could. Plus, he acted like he and I spending every minute together this weekend was a foregone conclusion!

So, when he called last night, I told him that I only want a casual dating relationship right now in my life - that I am very independent and absolutely love my life with my daughter, so I just would like someone to go out with once in a while for dinner or a movie or whatever - that he seemed to be jumping into this with both feet and that is cool, but not if he wants to date me. I also reminded him that I am not his girlfriend, we are not a couple and we are not in an exclusive relationship - if I want to date other guys (and he wants to date other women) that is absolutely fine and we do not owe each other any explanation.

But, the most important thing that I told him was that Amber will not be part of that. I told him that she will only become part of my relationship with a man once he and I are exclusive, serious and see a future together. I told him that anything else is inappropriate and I will not do that to her. She comes first. He thought that was crazy! He said that, since she is only 10 months old, she doesn't know what is going on anyway, so that is just nuts. Plus, he didn't like the fact that my "rules" require a babysitter and that, therefore, I am not free to do things on a moment's notice. First of all, I think infants are very perceptive. They see everything! Plus, as other people on this board reminded me, being in mommy mode is different than date mode and I really need to see if he and I get along before bringing her into it.

So, he was annoyed and told me to call him sometime if I have a babysitter worked out. I won't call because he freaked me out with his possessiveness this week, combined with lack of understanding regarding my relationship with my daughter and what is appropriate for her. He can't relate and that's fine. He is funny because although he was annoyed (I could hear it in his voice), he spent the whole conversation trying to placate (sp) me.
I just have red flags and I am going to stop before we even start - I had doubts all this week and in the past I have dismissed the red flags and made excuses - now I am a mom, so that makes me stronger and helps me to stand up and do the right thing not only for her, but for myself also!

Thanks for all of your input on this in my previous post! It helped with my decision.

Samantha

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:53pm
Samantha...it sounds like a very good decision you made. He needs to understand that you are a mommy before anything else (((HUGS))) and good luck with the dating scene!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:34pm

Thanks, Janet! It is not looking so good to me. It seems like all the men in my age range (I am 36 and will only date a man my age or older), are either single because they have been hurt and don't want to do it again, or are single because they have some issues of their own. I hold out hope that someone is out there, though! :)

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:37pm
I think most men have issues honestly....lol I will only date my age or older also (I'm 24....Mike just turned 29) but don't worry...you will find your prince charming =)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:10pm

Oh MY!!!! He sounds unbalanced. I didn't realize that your daughter is only 10 months old. I misread that and thought that she is 10 years old.

I will have to warn you. It's been my experience that some psychos are attracted to women with infants. The one guy I dated when my son was a toddler was like the guy you described. Possessive, controlling. I think he thought he could just step into our family and take over. Be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:25pm

Oh wow! Thanks for that bit of advice, fivesense! I definitely will stay aware. I met the guy at church, so it is almost a certainty that I will run into him again... Another mistake (meeting someone at church) that I will not make again for this precise reason.

By the way, I have read your responses to me and to others - I like how you are able to say what is on your mind so succinctly. That is a talent I need to work on! :)

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:37pm
You definitely made the right decision!! I totally agree with you about the dating pool being shallow when you are in your 30's and up. I am 42 and have been divorced for 4 years. My dating experiences would make for some good Jerry Springer episodes. These guys had more issues than Sports Illustrated!
Well, I finally met someone who IS decent and caring. So, don't give up hope. It takes time to weed out the bad ones. At least you know when to kick them to the curb!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:39pm
I met my possessive boyfriend in church too!!! It was terrible. I had to leave that church when I broke up with that guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 4:07pm

Oh no! I hope we don't end up having to leave this church. We just were welcomed as members a couple of weeks ago! I really like it there and that would really be a bummer. Grrr... lesson learned!

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 11:31am

Samantha,

You don't live in Memphis do you? Heh heh, just kidding. That's where my possessive one was from. Almost the exact same situation and the exact same conversation besides! Except it was because I didn't respond IMMEDIATELY to an IM from him. But the signs were the same.

Totally the right decision. Stay away from this guy. If he calls you, DON'T answer. If he emails you, etc, IGNORE IT. It took my guy two months to stop harrassing me. In fact, he even emailed my best friend by stealing her email address from a quiz forward I once sent out! Guys, if you are listening, DON'T DO THIS!

He's a control freak. You were totally honest, and if he can't accept that, you don't want him.

--snow, thinking of changing the book title to "It's Not Sweet, It's Psycho" so I can include dating a single PARENT, not just single mothers. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:38am

Thanks, snow! No, not even close to Memphis - it is frightening that men like that populate every corner of the country! He called again on Saturday, but I did not answer. Get a life, dude!

And I definitely will still buy the book in bulk and hand it out as the need arises! :)

Have a great day!

Samantha

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