Update on Ian and men friends...L/P

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Update on Ian and men friends...L/P
12
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:51am

Why is it, that I can vent to a woman, but not to a man? When I vent to a friend and get angry with her, we usually have a huge fight, or talk it out, but with a man, they assume I am playing the girlfriend! Why can I voice my opinion to a friend that I think is disrespecting me and hurting my feelings, but I can't to a guy? I'm really fuming right now. First Amendment made a point the other day in her post to me, saying maybe I am just needing Ian right now and that is why I blew up so much on him. Well, exactly! That's the point. I have been their for him to talk to him to get him to open up, tell me his problems, etc. We are friends. He says he cares about me and he wants to be their for me and I therefore, I take it that he meant it. It was the second time he is inconsiderate, rude and basically inattentive on the phone, gives me no support and I get upset. It's not like I never mentioned that and it was the first time. I mentioned his lack of attention twice before. It's not like I felt he thought, I just needed to vent and made no comment, but he really just gave me NO reaction that he was even really listening. Tinkering around with his stuff the whole time (on the computer writing to someone and then messing around with his gear and equipment.). I even commented on it and he just ignored the hint AGAIN. Anyway, I was feeling so emotionally raw from all my stress, that I just decided to end the call without saying something on the phone. I wrote him instead. I wrote him a pretty rude letter, but I still feel I had a right. In response, he has totally ignored me. I did write him another letter yesterday, because my girlfriends said, I should be the man about it and apologize for some of the statements. So I said, that I should of not been so unladylike in manner towards him and I apologize for that and it's not an excuse, but I was really hurt and I felt he had a serious lack of attention and he knows I am struggling and he knows I am going through some SERIOUS stress and he knows that financially I am not doing terrific, so I told him that I felt that he was being inconsiderate in our friendship and I felt he was walking all over me, by not giving me his full attention and taking me for granted, as if I were a money tree, by not showing me he was their for me. I told him I didn't expect any answers from him, but I expected him to say "Cat, it's going to be ok, just breath.", "Or, I know I can't help you, but I am here for you." Just to know I know he cared. That I thought we wanted to communicate better, build on our friendship, because we were curious where this all was going, but for now it's just a friendship, like we both want and I think that he needs to tell me, if he still even wants that, or if he feels like I am a burden or annoying him. Again, I apologized for my rude behaviour, told him I promise to be upfront and open straight away and I just wanted him to know that.
Fine. What happens? Nothing. Still no response and I KNOW he has time. Not even a, "Hey, got the email, need to think, get back to you." That of course now makes me furious for even apologizing to him for being rude to him. I could bite myself in the butt for it. Why? Because I have been their for him for EVERYTHING. Listened to him and talked to him and he said he would be their for me just the same. Now, I see he isn't interested as long as I don't entertain him. I'm feeling so down!

Great, now this:

All my guy buddies, that I have, i have now basically lost. Why? Because, they don't just want to be friends! I suddenly have had one tell me he loves me, the other two trying to get me in the sack. I feel really sad, because, these are guys I really used to BS with all the time. I trusted them. I truly trusted them and I thought we were lots of fun and always having a great time, talking, etc, but now I see, they don't seem me as a FRIEND. It's not possible for them. One guy said, he can't be with me anymore, because he feels like he has to kiss me and he hold me. That it just hurts him to much to see me flirting with other guys or going out on a date. These guys are REALLY nice, but the reality of it is, I am not attracted to them. They are totally opposite from what I would ever want in a man. BUT they are super friends. Now I've lost the whole lot, including Ian within 4wks.

I used to brag that I have guys that don't want more than friendship from me, that, we are cool the way things are and that is that. Now I realize, I am such a fool, that men, really do think that you are either a sex object, you are playing the girlfriend, or that they want a relationship from you. I don't have this NEED to be with a guy on a sex level, I want to have a friend, a buddy, but I am realizing this will not work and I am starting to feel really used on all sides from the male population.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 11:34am

"This is a nice goal, but an impossible one. There is no way to be sure of this. Love is taking risk and you have to accept you might get left, screwed and hurt. There are lots of things you can do to lessen the risk of getting screwed and you do that mostly by picking a good, solid, upstanding, responsible, trustworthy man you respect and admire. There isn't much you can do to make sure he won't leave you and you won't feel hurt. You just have to make the best decisions you can at the time for you and your children, and hope."

That is good advice!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:04pm

Wow! I think I gotta keep this whole post! It's so REAL and very deep. If ya know what I mean, just really understanding for me. Thank you.

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