Update on my friend . . .
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| Mon, 08-23-2004 - 2:50pm |
She asked if I could help her bathe. She is very fatigued, and felt like she couldn't get into or out of the bathtub without help. I agreed. I felt frustrated that her husband hasn't offered to help her - and sad that she doesn't feel like she can ask. I wasn't prepared for her mastectomy scars. At all. I don't know what I was expecting, but not that. No breast, no muscle under her arms, no nipples, nothing but horribly scarred skin stretched over frail ribs. She said she originally was going to go in for reconstructive surgery, but when all was said and done she felt like she couldn't put her body through anything more than it had already been through. I was so - horrified, overwhelmed by it that I started crying. Our bodies are just so beautiful - and hers has been so horribly ravaged. It was startling.
I stayed with her for about 2 hours, I had planned on staying longer, but she was tired and in pain and wanted to sleep. I went home and threw myself into all of my projects, and cried off and on through out the day. Just sitting here typing this saddens me. I picture her horrible scars and can hear the sorrow and fear in her voice.

Donna
Maybe he is so overwhelmed by all this, as you were, that he can't deal with it. Men are not usually as strong as us in that department.
Min, you are a wonderful friend, and I'm sure that your friend appreciates you more than words can say.
I haven't talked to her yet today. Her appointment was at 10 and I want to find out the results. I called her and left her a message to call me.
I'm going to pull out my soap box and rant.
No one knows the right thing to do, the right thing to say, the right way to feel when they or someone they love faces something like this. But silence and avoidance is the WRONG way to handle it. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. And to me, it shows that a person is selfish, spineless and COLD if they can't swallow their fear, hurt and confusion and be supportive of the person they love. Do what YOU KNOW you can do. Go sit with them. Call them and tell them "I was thinking about you. I don't know what to say, but I can listen to you. And I want you to know I love you and you are NOT alone." Do their laundry. Do their dishes. Bring them a silly card. Ease their burdens.
I'm so freaking furious with her husband I can't even see straight thinking about it - and the anger that I work so hard to manage and the temper I work so hard to control turns red and I know that if I were around him, it would take every fiber of my being from attacking him physically. It's been 3 years since she had her mastectomy, and he has NEVER seen her scars. He has made it known he is uncomfortable about it, he can't deal with it, and he has REFUSED to deal with it. I have no respect for that. I have no respect for that man. I have no respect for a man who won't help his sick wife get into the bath tub. I have no respect for a man who can't say "hey, I know you aren't feeling good, but let me hold you, even if it's just your hand. Let me make you toast. Let me sit with you" And I have to say I have no respect for people who call themselves "friends" but who in times of DESPERATE NEED are nowhere to be found. Who are so uncomfortable with a situation and so wrapped up in their own discomfort that they can't even pick up a freaking telephone or send a two line email and say "I'm thinking about you. I feel like an idiot cause I don't know what to say but I'm thinking about you and I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm so sorry that I am so freaking powerless to help you." ANIMALS are more compassionate towards one another than humans are. It's nothing but pathetic and completely unacceptable. This "he can't handle it" is nothing but bull crap and a lame, sorry excuse. It's inexcusable. Someone you love is going through something and you are there. Period. You would be there to celebrate with them. You need to be there to cry with them and comfort them, too.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/