Update on the thing with 'A'

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Update on the thing with 'A'
10
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:41pm

Well, to continue from my other posts, we had it out last night. My son is with his dad this week so that was good. I told him I wanted to call it quits because I didn't think I could give him the amount of attention he needed. I even yelled and cussed at him and I have NEVER done that with anyone, not even my ex! Obviously he got me mad. lol We just kept going around and around in circles and it was very hard. He was VERY upset and even cried. He told me that he loved me and would do anything for me and give me anything I wanted. It was getting really intense. A lot of things were said yet he wants me to think it over for a couple of days to make sure I want to end it. I told him that I wanted to be by myself for 2 days and that I didn't want to talk to him during those 2 days. He said that it was going to kill him but that he wouldn't bother me.

Well, he called and left a message this morning where I work to ask how I was and wanted me to call him back to let him know I was okay. I didn't call him. Then later he left another message. I didn't call him. Didn't I tell him last night to not contact me? Then as I was walking into work from lunch, he comes by and said that he had come by to leave a note on my car. He asked if I had gotten his message and I said yes and he said he just wanted to check on me to see if I was okay. I hope that this is the last time he is going to call or leave notes/emails. It's hard to think by myself if he is doing this. If he calls or leaves messages one more time, it's over for good, no more thinking about it. It will just go to show that he may love me but he doesn't respect my wishes.

Just wanted to give an update. Thanks for everyone who has been putting up with these posts. It just feels better to get it out and off my chest and you all have such wonderful advice. Thank you so much. Through all of this I have been wondering just how in the h$$$ my ex found a woman, married her, and has had a child all in 2 years time...and he's the a$$hole!! I just don't get it.

Jennifer (who was on the verge of a nervous breakdown last night)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:04pm

Hey Jennifer...

(((HUGS)))

I am so sorry this is so tough. When you said "I told him I wanted to call it quits because I didn't think I could give him the amount of attention he needed." It made me think of the way I handled approaching my divorce...trying to ease his pain by taking the blame!! Please dont do that. You have been more than upfront with him about your wishes and desires about how this relationship should progress...he doesnt respect them.

I can understand him just wanting to make sure you are ok, I would also think that simply leaving a message saying he was sorry that things became so heated last nite and that he hoped you were ok, and leaving it at that, would be more than enough!!

"He told me that he loved me and would do anything for me and give me anything I wanted." His words dont match his actions here. What his actions say is that he will give you anything you want as long as it is in alignment with his wants. He actually reminds me of the kids, how sometimes they need to be taught what is an alternative (acceptable) reaction as opposed to the current behavior.

"I even yelled and cussed at him and I have NEVER done that with anyone, not even my ex!". I can understand that, because after I finally found my voice, and started standing up for myself with my x, he tried to increase the pressure on me and guilt me into staying. All that did was make me feel trapped and more determined not to lose my voice again. I think maybe you are reacting that way because you sense he is trying to manipulate you and drown out your voice. Having a voice doesnt mean we turn into a B----!(which my x tried to convince me) but simply that we arent going to allow ourselves to be walked on anymore, that we are taking the control back.

"Through all of this I have been wondering just how in the h$$$ my ex found a woman, married her, and has had a child all in 2 years time...and he's the a$$hole!! I just don't get it." He obviously didnt give her time to see through the front he put on, and also, arent our eyes a lot clearer since we have one bad relationship behind us? We are much more careful now and look for warning signs! (well atleast i hope to be when i get back out in the dating world again)

Hope he leaves you alone to think!!

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:17pm
You poor thing. I think you did the right thing for you - now you just have to avoid talking to him and let it settle in. Hopefully he doesn't hassle you any more than your nerves can take.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:49pm

((((((((hugs!!!!)))))))) That's gotta be stressful on you. But you know... he is surely making it VERY clear to you just why you are wanting him to become an EX rather than keeping him as a partner! He's making himself much easier to let go.

I hope he won't cause you too much trouble in the future with HIS letting go by dragging it out!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:16am

I certainly hope you don't have to think too hard about this one. This man is causing you way too much emotional distress. You should not be on the edge of a nervous breakdown, you should be happy and excited when you think about him.

I think his most recent actions prove you should simply move on. Offer him no resons, he'll just argue with them. Just tell him it isn't working. That's it. Don't argue, don't explain, and don't defend yourself. You have a right to your feelings and your emotionas and your opinions.

I would not usually recommend doing anything over the phone, however, in this case, I might suggest calling him tomorrow and simply saying, "look, A, this isn't working for me. Goodbye." That way, he isn't in your face, you aren't going to have to worry about how to get him to leave if you're at your house. The other alternative would be someplace public, like a coffee shop.

Good luck, and we're here for you.

Moody, mentally tired from reading your posts!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 9:49am
Poor you! Well I hope he left you alone. Somehow I doubt it though. I had a few guys like that. They turned out pretty psycho then, some even stalkers. I felt the emotional/mental pressure intense and then suddenly the same pattern would appear of manipulative and controlling. If you do not see it their way they become critical of you, degrade you, etc etc. When you put a stop to it and they notice they aren't getting their way, they kind of lose it. Either by crying, yelling or begging. Or all three. Hope this ends for you soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 9:53am

I know you are all right and I am very thankful for the advice. He even left ANOTHER message on my home phone so I would get it when I got home. He said that he knew we could work this out and that he understood about the space thing....but you know the sad thing is, he doesn't understand. I will probably always have to make him feel better and have to explain myself when I tell him that something won't work as far as meeting up or him coming over. I don't want to have to do that and I DON'T HAVE to.

He DOES want to come over when I tell him my answer and I don't like that because he will do the same thing he did the last time and that was hating to leave and sitting there crying. I don't want to have to kick him out and I know that is what will have to happen. I don't want to meet in a neutral place because he will show himself. I am going to have to do it over the phone. I hate doing things that way but I think it is the only way. If he comes to my son's baseball game to see him (he asked if he could see him one more time and I told him that I will see, never yes or no) I will be ticked because I never said he could. He had even asked me about what I was going to say to Logan when he asks about him and what was he supposed to say to Logan when he asks where he's been. That's when I started yelling. lol Mama bear came out. I told him that it was none of his concern and that I would handle it and that he BETTER NOT say a word to my son! THAT got me extremely mad.

This is it. I've got to tell him that it's over.

Will let y'all know how it goes.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:32am

Jennifer - I am soooo sorry that you have to run a marathon of circles with this guy - it no wonder you are exhausted. I definitely think you are making the right decision. I also think that you should call him and leave him a message and specifically ask him not to show up at Logan's ball game. Logan doesn't need to see "A" again. In logan's world it is much better if "A" just slips quietly into the night. I hope he will see that that is what is best for YOUR son.

This guy is WAY too needy. You are better off moving on without him.

((((Hugs to you)))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 3:05pm

I agree with Rose, telling him you will see, is a gray answer when he cant even see black and white clearly. Since he tries to turn everything back on you I would worry that he would say something negative to Logan. Its 100% your responsibility and 0% his, to tell your son, and him thinking otherwise is completely outrageous.

Do you have a good friend who could come over if he insists on some kind of personal sit down? (since you are opposed to a public setting). Lets hope he finds some better manners!!

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:14pm

Hey Jen, Let me just say, I totally agree you are doing the right thing, and if I were in your position, I would opt for having a friend over, and telling him on the phone, because it could get pretty emotional, and he may come over to talk after you've hung up the phone. Have a friend over before you make the call, so she will be right there if he shows up.. I'm betting he'll come over. There is no way he'll just leave it when you tell him...Goood Luck, Jen..

Florence

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:04pm

Jen, it's been a few days, what happened?? did you break it off with "A",,how did you handle it..

I'm not trying to crowd you,, but I'm dying,!!!

Florence