Update & would like feedback ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Update & would like feedback ..
17
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:21am

Seeing Carlos Friday - Sat this week (going to stay with him in Boston). I am finding ONE thing that is aggravating me - it shouldnt SUPRISE me, lol, 45

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 8:36pm

Yes, I sort of see your point. But there really arent "mixed signals" (for me anyway) since he is very open verbally about his feelings, & where he is about it all. There's really no mixing it up ... he isnt ready to commit fully. & for me, really, it works at this point in my life. Keep in mind it was HIM who proposed a monogamous relationship & exclusivity at 1st ... & I didnt want it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 8:28am

This comment isn't directed at your situation. It's something to think about. You said he's 45 without any baggage. I used to believe that a person who was single, never been married, and didn't have kids, didn't have baggage....until I dated an old bachelor. OMG, talk about baggage!!!!

We have ex husbands and a kid or more, but the baggage we carry around can be significantly less than our single counterparts. It sounds like you have similar drama with your ex that I've had in the past with mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 8:53am

Oh yeah - from the few things I have read that you have written about your X, they DO seem pretty similar. Mental illness, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:11am
My ex is being sooooo nice right now. It's really kind of scary. I wonder what he's up to. When he's nice, that means he's preparing to take me to court again :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:28am
Oh goodness fivesense - I certainly HOPE NOT!! Keep us posted!! I thought you did so good the last time because he had to pay a big legal bill.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:38am

I think he is going to be waiting FOREVER! The thing is that no one person is perfect. Ever. Every person will hurt us and disappoint us and anger us whether it is a lover, boss, friend, child, parent, relative, etc. The key is that we have to find the person willing and able to make us more happy and better off over time with them than we would be by ourselves.

If he is looking for perfect, he isn't going to find it. And perhaps that is why he is still single after 45 years. I mean, there are wonderful women everywhere. I think it is a big mistake to think you are that much better than someone else. It is all about timing, really. I do know of men who married after 40 or 50 so it is not like it CAN'T happen - but it is more like you don't want to waste 5 years and then have to start all over if it is your goal to be married with a family.

Reminds me of my old boss who is looking for the perfect place to open his own dream business. 20 years have gone by and he has never found it and is still in the same job as when I was there. And still saying he wants to open his own business.

People just don't change all that much.

The thing that bothers me the most is the exclusivity thing. But I think you have managed that quite well with making other plans for your birthday. You did absolutely wonderful wonderful with that. I mean what better birthday present to give yourself than to have a new date!! And I also think it is great that you are not telling the date it is your birthday!! It is all about you - which is the way it should be. I meant to tell you that in response to your news about your bday - so if I did and this is repetitive, please forgive. But if not then that is good, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:35am
I was just having this discussion with my guy a couple weeks ago. I told him that I wasn't perfect and that I'm too tired to try!! There's simply just no time for it. There are fundamental thing that I can't change about me and he simply has to accept it or move on. If there's something that I'm doing wrong, yeah I want to discuss it and work on it to better the relationship, but if he's looking for me to be willing to ask "how high" when he says "jump", he's barking up the wrong tree. And I won't be made to feel inferior to other women. I won't compete. I can't. I like who I am and how far I've come and am comfortable in my own skin and don't want to feel inferior. Period.

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