Update to yesterdays topic.......
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| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:50am |
So Mr. History contacted me for dinner and said he wanted to spend some time with me. So he picked me up and we decided to go eat pizza. We just talked about this and that and finally we had THE talk. I guess I brought it up. I just point blank asked him if he was ok with everything and if he felt that we had maybe gotten too intimate too quickly. He suddenly looked at me very sad and then he opened up to me, regarding how he felt.
He said that I often just push him away. That he doesn't dare to say anything to me in fear that I am going to run in the other direction. That it's very obvious by some of the things I say to him and the way I act that I've been hurt very badly several times. He was upset that I thought that maybe things went too soon (us having slept together), because for him, he see's me soo much that he feels that the days run into each other and that we met 5 months ago. What upset him, is that I obviously didn't feel that and that he keeps feeling like I am taking steps back or standing still and not moving with him. He said he doesn't know what is going to happen when the girls get back, but he enjoys every moment he has with me now and he knows it's going to be very different when they are in my life again, but that some things that are worth having, are just not easy; that it takes work (spoken like a true teacher). He said he can't make promises about what tomorrow will bring, but he just hopes that I will sometimes just enjoy what we have now and not worry about what's coming.
AND THAT is very hard for me to do with everything I have been through. I told him that I don't want to keep seeing him in a few weeks and then when the girls are back, he says it's too hard on the relationship. He understands but he doesn't know what to say to ease my mind, because he wants to be careful. So all we can do is wait and see.
Then we talked about what it's going to be like. His schedule, mine, the kids, his friends and he said he really wants me to continue to see my friends now as much as possible, but also when the girls get back. I told him that my time will be very limited all around. I also have school starting up again. The girls will have sports, Nina starts first grade and Alex finishes 8th and we have High School to get prepared for. I told him my staying out late anywhere will be over. That the all nighters, spend the nights and him even being at my place for sleep overs won't be happening. Staying over night at either place, won't be happening, because logically, I won't leave the children alone, nor do I want to have someone over at my house when the children are home. He said we'll figure something out.
I guess Mr. History is right about not jumping the gun and just trying to see where things go with us now, but I don't want feelings and emotions to be a huge equation too soon and then disappointment. DARN I THINK TOO MUCH. That like he said, it will be worthwhile working towards being together if we care enough about each other and to do that we must want to work on us now, but that I have to quit pushing him away, which makes him feel I don't want to move forward with him and that I'm already foreseeing the doom. He also has pointed out that whatever has happened to me in the past is keeping me from moving now. He has a point in everything he says. It's just hard to do that when you've heard all of those lines too often.
Being with him last night, kept reminding me how much I do care, but don't want to. Weird? I rather just put up a wall. He just enjoys me and he kept saying how happy I make him and how much fun he has with me. And realistically, I have the time of my life with him. No matter what we do, we have so much fun together. He stayed over last night at my place. We cuddled and we talked until late into the night and I left him this morning sleeping. GOSH! I am SO confused!!!!!!
I am glad he's out with his friends tonight playing basketball and I am out with mine tomorrow night. We see each other again on Thursday night for a professional baseball game of hotdogs and beer. :) I need to do what I told shrimpy. I need to just keep myself as busy in-between as I can doing my own thing, but also just balancing him. If I try to do too much with him, I am going to feel pressure and worry and it will be much harder when the girls are back. I just need to balance it all out and relax. Another very hard thing to do. Although, I am beginning to admit that Mr. History was/is a rebound, I think he is good for me and I know I definitely don't want to let him go, because when I am not with him, I want to be with him. Even though I act like I don't care.
I think goal number one, with or without him, is to get rid of the excess accumulated baggage I am carrying around, to become more confident in myself; less cynical and to keep concentrating on the things that make ME happy and not WHO can make me happy.

"He said we'll figure something out." THAT is huge in my opinion! And you know what? You WILL figure something out if you are truly a match and he is that into you. It sounds like he cares a lot, Cat, and that he is very intuitive for how you are feeling. And if he is a teacher he is going to be good with kids.
"I think goal number one, with or without him, is to get rid of the excess accumulated baggage I am carrying around, to become more confident in myself; less cynical and to keep concentrating on the things that make ME happy and not WHO can make me happy."
I agree with this. It is something I work on, too. The thing is, that we all have baggage because like most people over 20 we have had relationships that have failed. We have had people who have hurt and disappointed us. But the bottom line is that we can fill our lives with things that make us feel whole - going to school, having hobbies, friends, working on your living space, reading, church - whatever it takes - everyone is different - but we all have to have something we are proud of that makes us happy - and not our kids - something for us. The guy is the icing to an already happy and fulfilled life - he is not our life. Nor would he want to be - I always remember Soonee's toddler comment - who wants to be someone's whole world? That is just too tall an order!
I know I am in charge of making MYSELF happy. I have worked hard on this. And I know you can too. Maybe whenever you are having a negative thought you can stamp it out and think of a good twist.
The other night the lifeguard was a little late calling for us to meet. He has had a lot to juggle with his dad being in town, his son, work and his house and stuff like that. But instead of getting bummed and having it remind me of my exh who was ALWAYS late, I thought - late is good - I can do more here and the traffic will be easier on him. And voila - I was happy when we got together.
Try to get rid of the poopy thoughts. You have a clean slate with him. He may not be like everyone else. The only way to find out is to dive in and give it a chance. I agree with you holding back a bit - that is not such a bad thing - it makes him work to earn your trust and allows you to see what he is really like over time. Just don't let it continually grate on your or his nerves. This is careful and then there is paranoid.
Stop worrying about the axes in the closet!!!
That sounds alot like me and what I've gone through. It's hard letting go of all those past feelings and to be patient waiting for what's to come. Sometimes I feel like if something bad is going to happen I just wish it would hurry up and happen so I don't waste time. YK? I don't want to waste a year or more of my life on something that's not going to happen anyway. then of course I can't just push people away because of something that MIGHT happen. I've found that living in the moment and letting things progress naturally works best and that things have a funny way of working themselves out later.
When your girls come home you'll figure it out. You have before and you will again!!
Hi Cat - Baggage? Can we talk? I have had the same fears about getting too close - but as Shakespeare said (At least I think it was him!) It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. You have to take chances in life and some things are worth the risk. The guy I am dating gave me a poem called Taking Risks, I've posted here below... Mr. History seems well worth the risk to me....
Taking Risks
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk being called sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair and,
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken
The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing... does nothing, has nothing, and becomes nothing
He may avoid suffering and sorrow
But he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live
Chained by his servitude, he is a slave
He has forfeited his freedom
Only the person who risks is truly free.
William Arthur Ward
Baggage, who DOESN'T have it. And we can't help sometimes letting it impact us.
And with everything you juggle and have to take into account in life, it can be hard not to overthink things. But you have a great attitude and an open heart. It also sounds like you've met a guy you like and who is willing to figure out the scheduling stuff.
Just the fact that you know you need to make you happy first before you can be happy with someone else is a HUGE thing.
Hang in there; don't be too hard on yourself. And remember we're all in this together.