As usual, questions, questions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
As usual, questions, questions...
10
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 12:01am

I've now been with C for almost 5 months. We talk every day, see each other three or more times a week. This past weekend we spent with his father at his dad's vacation home. He tells stories about my kids, explains my ex, talks about things 'we' like when we are with other people. He wrote his son a letter, included messages from the family, with me being the first 'message'(though I actually had nothing to do with writing the letter!)

However, the 'romance' (not that there was ever that much) seems to have dwindled quite a bit. I feel like we're an old married couple (without the arguing!) sometimes. On the one hand, I don't mind it because it feels more natural. On the other hand, I do like feeling adored, and shown it.

I don't want to complain to him about this because, as I said, I don't feel the need for constant affirmation, but I would like a little more affection.

Is this sort of early for this stuff? I mean I don't worry about him running off looking for something new (I'm with him pretty much all the time, and when I'm not he's usually on the phone with me!) but I worry that after a few more months I'll be taken for granted, then I'll start getting mad and hurt.

Also, I've read that, for some guys, meeting the parents is meaningless. I've also read that for some men it's huge. Any input, anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 12:50am
it sounds like thing are getting comfortable...and ony after 5 months you have the kid involved...to me, and everyone and every situation is different, but thats fast. The romance thing..early to go calm...that can happen at anytime...I question why all the other stuff is happening so fast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 9:42am

I wonder, too! Sometimes I feel like I am being pushed along in this relationship. But he doesn't behave like the other 90-days Love 'em and Leave 'em types I dated before in that I am totally included in his life, not just a department.

I don't know. I like having someone in my life who is not an embarrassment, who is really quite nice to me and my kids, but at the same time, this early cooling is unnerving. I wonder if I should be moving on, if this is the beginning of the end, or if this is just a 'stage' and I should just see it through.

How do you tell one from another? I keep reading different things and just get more and more confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 10:02am

Well, the romance does start to dwindle some once everyone is settled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 10:13am
Every relationship is different. To my SO he thought things had cooled off after 5 mos or so but to me I was just comfortable. However we were together alot early on. After a couple months I was with him for 6 weeks straight and so by the 5 month mark wasn't much to us. He had met my family all except my son and we had a routine of how we got to spend time together. No big deal to me.

Marie

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 10:40am
I bought this book called Eat Chocolate Naked and it's about how to keep the romance alive in a marriage but a lot of it would be applicable here. People have different ideas about what is romantic to them, so one suggestion is to actually make a list (could be done orally) & tell the other person what is romantic to you. One thing that my ex did which was really romantic to me was that he used to send me flowers and buy me cards for no reason. When this stopped after we got married (even though he had emphasized many times that it would not) it was disappointing and I did bring it up that I would like him to do that--not a big expensive flower arrangement, but he could pick up a cheap bunch of flowers at the store--when he never followed through even after I mentioned it, it did feel like being taken for granted. As far as stuff like that, or going out to a really nice place for dinner, it's nice, but the physical affection would be more important--not just sex, but the hand holding, hugs & kisses, etc. Now if that's what you mean about him not being romantic, then it would definitely bother me too. I do think you need to talk about it, not in a complaining way, but that you feel that it's important to you--then after you mention it, you can see if he will follow through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 10:48am
I think you are thinking to much.....if you are being drug a long and you want to slow it down then do so....you like having someone...someone meaning anyone thats not embarrassing or him. theres a big difference. Like I said before I am more worried about the kids getting involved so fast rather than the other stuff. kids in and out of relationship with thier parents is very hard on them and can have lasting emotional damage...when a parents relationship ends and they involved its another divorce for them...divorce for them is forever we adults just keep going.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 10:06am

Update...he's come back from the "dark side". He's spent the last two evenings at my house (his idea), hand holding at the movies, having a great funny conversation with my daughter last night, inviting me to go away for a weekend coming up.

I really have to keep reminding myself about the moods. While they aren't nearly as bad or debilitating as my ex's moods, they are still there and I have to remember that I need to go with the flow. It's hard because I panic at the first sign of disinterest (having been dumped in nasty ways way too many times!) and figure the end is near.

I had to resist having 'a talk', which was killing me. I think by resisting that impulse I avoided stirring up the pot. Still, I have to work on figuring out why I freak out so easily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:51pm

"I had to resist having 'a talk', which was killing me. I think by resisting that impulse I avoided stirring up the pot. Still, I have to work on figuring out why I freak out so easily."

Yep, try to settle down and not over analyze. At least you are beginning to realize that you feel insecure, because of your own baggage, not really from any thing the guy is doing/not doing. I find it helps to write down that "talk" then throw it away. Get it out of my system.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:56pm
It's funny that you say that because that is exactly what I did! I wrote down 'the talk', ripped it out of the notebook, and threw it away. It's a good way to vent while sorting through what you are trying to figure out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:44am

I would encourage him to be more affectionate by pointing out what you DO like.

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