Vent about EXH
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:42pm |
Her dad is not happy with Katie's academic progress, and, of course, he blames me. He blames me for her ADHD. I sat and listened to him ramble on about how bad of a mom I am, and I bit my tongue. He doesn't like the church I go to because he is not religious at all. He does not go to church, nor has he ever gone to church. My children participate in no extra-curricular activities except for one; they go to church with me on Thursday night for Kids Club, which is like Sunday school but a lot more fun. I, along with two other women, teach class. My kids love going, and if they hated it, I would never let them go. They love when mom teaches. I have to say, I love it also. It gives us a time to be together plus they are with other kids their age. My ex told me I had to quit church on Wednesday. I disagreed. I told him that now, as in the past, if they have too much homework, we simply wouldn't go that night. It's not a big deal if they miss sometimes, especially because of school work. I told him to let me be the judge and give me the benefit of the doubt that I have my children's best interest in mind. We went round and round. He wasn't seeing my point, and I wasn't seeing his. I told him that we just need to agree to disagree and stop wasting our time talking about it. I was just about to hang up, and he knew it. So, he went for the jugular. He said that if I don't quit church on Thursday night, he will file for custody. Then he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why the kids would be better off with him instead of me: I work and I get home too late and if the kids were with him, his wife is home at 4:00 and that would give them more study time, and on and on. I lost it. I started crying and told him that I would spend every last cent I had fighting him and that there was no way he was going to get my kids. I said, you were the one who left, now you want them back. I said, "Fine, I'll quit church" and I hung up.
Whether he files for custody is really besides the point. He played the only card that could get to me, and that's my kids. And he knew it would get to me so that's why he did it. He knew he wasn't getting what he wanted out of the conversation, so he threw custody at me. What an SOB. I'm very hurt by the things he said to me. I have done everything in my power to help my daughter. He hardly saw the twins at all for the first 2.5 years of their life. Now since he is remarried, he all the sudden is "Joe Wonderful Dad". I told him I couldn't believe he would emotionally traumatize the kids with a custody battle. He told me that I would be the only one traumatized. That's why the first thing my son said to me when we were in the car was, "Mom, don't ever do that to me again". I said, "Do what", and he said "leave us at dads for 5 days". They cry when they have to go to his house, and he wants them to live with him.
I went on the divorce board and posted a custody question, but I didn't get any response. I live in Illinois, and from what I understand, unless a dad can prove that a mother is unfit or is abusing the children or abusing drugs or alcohol, that its' pretty impossible for a dad to take kids away from their mom. Does anyone know if that is a true statement? I really would like to know this, because it has got me really worried. I would die without my kids. They are EVERYTHING to me. I can't imagine life without them.
I knew from reading the note that he was going to pick on church. I was at a wedding Sunday night, and I talked to the woman that I teach with on Thursday. I told her my ex wanted me to quit. She said this was nothing but a control issue, and that he wants to control me. I agree with this statement. He is always telling me what to do and how to do it. I didn't do what he wanted me to do, so he's going to play the custody card.
My self-esteem is in the toilet today. He's beaten me down, and I don't even feel good about myself or my mothering abilities today. My kids are the most important thing in the whole world to me. If I really thought one hour a week would make that much difference in my daughter's school performance, I would give up Thursday night. But I really don't think one hour a week is going to make that much difference. Plus it gives her self-esteem and confidence in other things, outside of the classroom. I can't even tell you all the mean things he said about me, that I was selfish and I only cared about myself. I haven't decided what I want to do. Part of me wants to quit to get him off my back. But if I do that, and cave into him, he'll just find something else to have an issue with. Maybe we can go just on the nights I teach. Like I said, I do have common sense. If I ever felt that they had too much homework, we wouldn't go. The twins go to an after school program. They have time to do their homework at school before I pick them up. I never really had an issue with it last year. They know they have somewhere to go Thursday night, they look forward to going, so they make sure their homework is done. I really don't see the problem with my "wait and see" attitude. Problem is, my ex gives me credit for nothing.
I really feel down today, so if there's anyone out there that can say something to cheer me up, I sure would appreciate it. Thanks.
Donna

Pages
And to take them because you go to church...NO WAY! I think you need a recorder on your phone, if he says that again talk to a lawyer.
In the meantime, tell him he doesn't have the right to tell you how to live your life. He's not your husband, and no judge is going to think church is bad for your kids...
Let him file for custody. Come on now, Donna. In this world we live in, do you REALLY think that a judge is going to take custody away from you because you TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHURCH????? That idea is just plain ludicruous.
You are dead on that he is doing this to control, manipulate and hurt you. You are also dead on that the children would be very hurt by a custody battle.
Take a deep breath. Encourage him to "do what he has to do" and inform him that you will do what YOU have to do for the sake of your children. If he DOES file a petition to change visitation/custody, hire an attorney to respond, and seek attorneys' fees AND sanctions - because this is nothing but a waste of the courts' time.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Let me tell you what my ex has threatened to take me to court over....
SOCKS!!! my daughter brought some white socks (8 pr) to my house that HE had bought her...and he threatened to take me to court over the PRINCIPLE of the thing!!!!
We still refer to the SOCK PRINCIPLE at our house when something is ludicrous.
They get looney when they lose their control over you. LOL
Sheri
But to reassure you. Your ex CANNOT take the kids based on your church-going. Church is a solid foundation in a child's life. He cannot get your kids just because you take them to church. He'd be laughed out of court for that. He can ONLY take them if you are a prostitute, using drugs, abusing the kids, or handing them over to him. He has to also have undeniable proof that you did anything wrong. If Michael jackson came in and fondled your kids, CNN would have to catch him in that act before your ex could say a word. Even then, he'd have to prove you allowed it to happen. It's just that simple. He's got nothing. NOTHING. You keep up your church activities. Don't let him take away the biggest family activity you have with them. He's jealous. He has nothing he does special with them. They love church and the kids club meetings. It's a good thing for them. He has no leg to stand on. You're a good mommy. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
Mel
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
You and your kids go to church this Thursday and every Thursday!
Kim
Now I'm wondering, did you get custody and access and maintenance set up when you got divorced from this man?
I also was looking around and found this:
What are the criteria for awarding custody?
The best interest of the child is the standard for custody determination under IMDMA and the Parentage Act. The emphasis in a custody determination is not on which parent is "better" or "worse," but on the child's best interests considering all relevant factors, including but not limited to:
-the wishes of the child's parent or parents as to his custody
-the wishes of the child as to his custodian
-the interaction and interrelationship of the child with his parent or parents, his siblings and any other person who may significantly affect the child's best interest
-the child's adjustment to his home, school and community
-the mental and physical health of all individuals involved
-the physical violence or threat of physical violence by the child's potential custodian, whether directed against the child or directed against another person
the occurrence of ongoing abuse as defined in Section 103 of the Illinois Domestic Violence Act of 1986, whether directed against the child or directed against another person; and
-the willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the other parent and the child.
Must a mother be declared unfit before a father will be awarded custody?
No. Under modern constitutional theory, parents have equal rights to custody of their children. Fitness of the parent is one element to be considered in determining what is in a child's best interest. The court may consider factors in addition to the statutory factors in awarding custody, but where non-statutory factors are considered determinative of the custody decision, the court is required to state those factors.
What are the rights of a custodian?
A child's legal custodian has the right to determine the child's upbringing, including but not limited to education, health care and religious training. Custodial powers are not, however absolute. After hearing on motion of the noncustodial parent, a court may specifically limit the custodian's authority where necessary to the best interests of the child. Absent such a limitation, the right to control the education of a child encompasses the right to select the schools the child shall attend. Removal of a child from school and initiating home schooling constitutes a change in circumstances "warrants judicial inspection." Courts recognize that a child's changing needs, including school needs, may require a change in custody arrangements in order to serve the child's best interest, but educational issues do not occur in a vacuum.
The most important thing to remember is: custody does NOT neccessarily mean who HAS the kids. Custody is more about who will make the decisions for the children regarding schooling, religion and so forth. You could have joint custody with the man and they would still live with you AND you may still disagree on thier schooling, religion and so on. I myself have full custody and guardianship of my ds. My ex has no say in how I raise him, but he is involved and agrees with my decisions because he feels that I am a good mother- something I am VERY thankful for!
I can't imagine the frustration you are going through. I would encourage you to contact a lawyer for a free consultation on what the best course of action is.
Good luck !
Hi Donna
I'm sorry your ex is doing this number on you.
First of all, I have the same type of exh only not quite as bad as yours and not remarried. So I can relate a little and help you keep him in his place.
You have to be firm and set boundaries with him. This is difficult because it will cause conflict. But you have to do it and you will see it is worth it because he will fall into place.
It is my belief, from talking to my attorned and going through the court system here that it is VERY DIFFICULT to change custody once settled. It would be very hard for him to prove that you are an unfit mother. I think you should speak to an attorney to find this out and then you won't get rattled as much.
Now - here are your boundaries, as I see them:
1) IT is ABSOLUTELY NONE of his business what you do with the kids as long as it is not immoral or illegal. He has NO RIGHT TO tell you about church. Don't apologize or explain or let him go there. When he brings that up you have to be firm about that. You have to stand up to him.
2) Second of all, you HAVE covered your tracks on the school problem. You need to look at what you wrote and rewrite that to be POSITIVE. You worked very hard to take care of all that and you did not lose a half of a year - you were thorough to find out the problem and get it resolved. And she passed. He has no right to berate you on this. You have to tell him that he is perfectly welcome to meet with the teachers and principles with you at any time. You have worked hard and done a good job and are not going to take him calling you names - that is inappropriate and in contempt.
3) His wife is not the kids mom. No judge is ever going to believe that. You must put him in his place for that. Your job has no bearing on the kids and their school performance. She is a welcome addition to their life but NOT a replacement for mom. And I am sure she would not want to be either!! Be real - like how long do you think that would last???????????????
4) When he upsets you, you must say this is not productive and it is insulting and hurtful to me. You must call me back when you are willing to be respectful and productive.
You must not let him belittle you that way. No more.
As to the kids crying I am not sure what to do. I would document that and ask your attorney. I would tell him the children are very upset and he might have to pay for family counseling but you will look into that.
I think what you see is a new situation with his wife and the fact that he doesn't want to pay child support. You have to be strong and set new boundaries. You must not take his $hit.
When my exh gets on the phone I have a knee jerk reaction to take no prisoners. I say NO and I stick to my guns. I accept nothing less of perfect for the way he treats me. Was this easy? Heck no - I was always afraid of him when we were married because I gave up my job to stay home with Nicholas. But now is a different story.
I can understand how it frightens you very much to think about his threats. But you cannot cower in the corner or tell him you will avoid church for his sake. He is going to become a bigger bully. What you need now is to get good advice from a very good lawyer and you need to put him in his place. Knowledge will make you free.
You are a great mom. You are your children's best advocate and no one can take that away from you. So no more "drama queen" moments - it is time for you to be strong and kick this bully.
I hope this helps. It raises my ire because I had to put up with that for so long with my exh. I do not put up with his stuff. I don't even let him bring shoes back dirty. The minute I am nice he starts with his bully.
I live in Illinois and I saw your question about custody. You've had the kids and have been raising them. They are not abused or neglected. I doubt highly any judge will take them from you. The most your ex will get is joint custody-but you can easily dispute that stating your kids need consistency (especially your dd with adhd).
No judge in his right mind will order you to stop going to church. You are providing your kids with a foundation. THey WANT to go. Do NOT fall for his manipulative tricks. I'd love to see your ex request in the court that he wants full custody because you take them to church! Give me a break!
He's pushing the buttons he knows he can get a reaction from you on. My ex did the same thing with me. Stand your ground. Do NOT speak to him anymore. Tell him to put it in writing and you will review it.
You are doing a great job. Do not let him make you think otherwise. Keep going to church and keep documenting all of this (get a spiral notebook to keep things documented in)...sit down right now and put this in there!
HUGE hugs
Deb
Pages