Vent about EXH
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| Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:42pm |
Her dad is not happy with Katie's academic progress, and, of course, he blames me. He blames me for her ADHD. I sat and listened to him ramble on about how bad of a mom I am, and I bit my tongue. He doesn't like the church I go to because he is not religious at all. He does not go to church, nor has he ever gone to church. My children participate in no extra-curricular activities except for one; they go to church with me on Thursday night for Kids Club, which is like Sunday school but a lot more fun. I, along with two other women, teach class. My kids love going, and if they hated it, I would never let them go. They love when mom teaches. I have to say, I love it also. It gives us a time to be together plus they are with other kids their age. My ex told me I had to quit church on Wednesday. I disagreed. I told him that now, as in the past, if they have too much homework, we simply wouldn't go that night. It's not a big deal if they miss sometimes, especially because of school work. I told him to let me be the judge and give me the benefit of the doubt that I have my children's best interest in mind. We went round and round. He wasn't seeing my point, and I wasn't seeing his. I told him that we just need to agree to disagree and stop wasting our time talking about it. I was just about to hang up, and he knew it. So, he went for the jugular. He said that if I don't quit church on Thursday night, he will file for custody. Then he proceeded to tell me all the reasons why the kids would be better off with him instead of me: I work and I get home too late and if the kids were with him, his wife is home at 4:00 and that would give them more study time, and on and on. I lost it. I started crying and told him that I would spend every last cent I had fighting him and that there was no way he was going to get my kids. I said, you were the one who left, now you want them back. I said, "Fine, I'll quit church" and I hung up.
Whether he files for custody is really besides the point. He played the only card that could get to me, and that's my kids. And he knew it would get to me so that's why he did it. He knew he wasn't getting what he wanted out of the conversation, so he threw custody at me. What an SOB. I'm very hurt by the things he said to me. I have done everything in my power to help my daughter. He hardly saw the twins at all for the first 2.5 years of their life. Now since he is remarried, he all the sudden is "Joe Wonderful Dad". I told him I couldn't believe he would emotionally traumatize the kids with a custody battle. He told me that I would be the only one traumatized. That's why the first thing my son said to me when we were in the car was, "Mom, don't ever do that to me again". I said, "Do what", and he said "leave us at dads for 5 days". They cry when they have to go to his house, and he wants them to live with him.
I went on the divorce board and posted a custody question, but I didn't get any response. I live in Illinois, and from what I understand, unless a dad can prove that a mother is unfit or is abusing the children or abusing drugs or alcohol, that its' pretty impossible for a dad to take kids away from their mom. Does anyone know if that is a true statement? I really would like to know this, because it has got me really worried. I would die without my kids. They are EVERYTHING to me. I can't imagine life without them.
I knew from reading the note that he was going to pick on church. I was at a wedding Sunday night, and I talked to the woman that I teach with on Thursday. I told her my ex wanted me to quit. She said this was nothing but a control issue, and that he wants to control me. I agree with this statement. He is always telling me what to do and how to do it. I didn't do what he wanted me to do, so he's going to play the custody card.
My self-esteem is in the toilet today. He's beaten me down, and I don't even feel good about myself or my mothering abilities today. My kids are the most important thing in the whole world to me. If I really thought one hour a week would make that much difference in my daughter's school performance, I would give up Thursday night. But I really don't think one hour a week is going to make that much difference. Plus it gives her self-esteem and confidence in other things, outside of the classroom. I can't even tell you all the mean things he said about me, that I was selfish and I only cared about myself. I haven't decided what I want to do. Part of me wants to quit to get him off my back. But if I do that, and cave into him, he'll just find something else to have an issue with. Maybe we can go just on the nights I teach. Like I said, I do have common sense. If I ever felt that they had too much homework, we wouldn't go. The twins go to an after school program. They have time to do their homework at school before I pick them up. I never really had an issue with it last year. They know they have somewhere to go Thursday night, they look forward to going, so they make sure their homework is done. I really don't see the problem with my "wait and see" attitude. Problem is, my ex gives me credit for nothing.
I really feel down today, so if there's anyone out there that can say something to cheer me up, I sure would appreciate it. Thanks.
Donna

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About the ADHA: these things happen, but it's not the end of the world. I have lots of kids in school who do great (even with me being the tough teacher) so don't worry on that end of things...now that she's been diagnosed and she's got an IEP, the teachers legally have to accomodate for her, etc. She's going to be fine. I really believe that. Does she have an IEP??
About his WIFE being able to pick up the kids earlier...it's not him. She's as good as daycare, NOT a parent. In CA at least, if you have more time to be with your kids, then you have the higher right to have the kids so the kids spend less time in childcare...but it's to do with the parent, not stepparent...I think it's a good legal question.
About Church...I have never heard of anything so far out there. He can't control who you see, where you go, what you tell your kids...your friend is so right.
This guy is grabbing at straws and he knows how to play you. I suggest that you look into specialized family law attorneys in your area and start interviewing them. This is an investment on getting this guy off your back so get the best that you can afford. I did this and it was cheaper than I anticipated because even though he charges 350/hr...he let the other attorney rack up the hours on the ex's bill...his attorney had tons of office meetings with him, had him go to court unnessarily, etc. His atty did insurance and family and other law...mine sat in/on? the bench in family court. Whenever my atty told me that it wouldn't fly in court, it meant that if he was the judge that day, that would be his call. A really good attorney is going to advocate that you avoid court at all costs and that you try to mediate because it's going to save you tons of money. Sometimes even though he is unreasonable, in the mediator's office, he MIGHT tone down his demands given that he doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he insists even after the mediation process to push it, you'll have to go to court.
The only way to get away from this guy is to stop 'dancing' with him. He can't do this to you if you don't talk to him. It's no fun to throw rocks at the curtain that won't respond back with a rock. You DON'T have to talk to him. So when he gives you something to read, read it and then don't take his call, etc. If it doesn't have to do with a drop off time, hang up the phone. You don't have to make nice with him. If he starts to menace you, invite his attorney to contact yours. I think that when you finally consult an attorney, it will give you some peace of mind because the scariest thing is often NOT knowing what could happen and you start to worry like you are doing that he CAN indeed get everything he wants.
Someone else had a great suggestion...if you don't already maintain a journal about him, do it!! Do not be lazy about this and document everything...it WILL make an impact on the judge. A spiral notebook is perfectly adequate.
You stay tough with him and come vent with us!!!
Thanks for your response. It made me feel a lot better. Thanks for all the encouraging words about my dd's ADHD. She had an IEP done last year. I had several CAT meetings last year with her teacher, the principal, the social worker and two other teachers. She goes to a new school this year. I have asked the social worker at this new school about CAT meetings. She said she has all dd's records from last year, but she felt it was too early in the year for a CAT meeting. She told me to call her if I have any questions or concerns. All my dd's papers get sent home on Friday, so I will be able to see then how she is doing. According to dd, she is doing fine.
Since you are a teacher, I would like to ask you a question. My daughter is in 2nd grade. She has a 10-minute reading assignment each night from a book she brings home from school. Honestly, she is not a good reader. Last night, it took her about 35 minutes to read the assigned story. She struggles with every word, even the easy ones, or ones that she should have learned last year. And because of her ADHD, it's hard for her to sit still for 30 minutes. Plus, she gets frustrated with herself because she cannot read well, that she wants to quit in the middle of the story. I feel so bad for her. Can you suggest anything that I can do to help her? Do I need to get her a tutor? I really can't afford one of those learning centers such as Sylvan, but if I had to, I could probably make it happen. Today I typed a note to her teacher so that she is aware of the problem. Maybe dd can get some extra reading help in her school, like at recess time. Please let me know if you know of anything that you can think of that might help. I hate to see her struggle like that, plus I am concerned about her falling too far behind. Thanks. I really appreciate it.
As for my stupid exh, you are right. I let him get to me, and I have to stop doing that. I have already begun writing down what is going on. And I am looking into a good lawyer. I left a message with my BIL to give me the number of his attorney, because he's excellent. You're right -- it's the not knowing that's driving me crazy. It will be good to get some answers.
Donna
(((HUGS)))
Alison
He doesn't wants his kids, he just want to CONTROL what is going on where he doesn't have any control. I'm sure it's the very same with your ex-h. Throw it back in his face. And, don't quit teaching at Church just because of him. There are two homes and what goes on in one home is not the business of the other. You can't dictate what goes on their and he should other. Get STRONG and stand up for yourself. Honestly, I don't even speak to my ex. We say maybe 2 words to each other about once a month and I like it that way. This constant communication about the kids and this and that about the kids is balony. If I absolutely have to say something I will and that's that.
So, again STAY STRONG and don't let yourself get manipulated. Again, the best offense is a good defense and throw it back at him.
Good Luck, Marilyn
CL-Entrepreneurial Women
Business Impressions, LLC
My standard reply is now (after learning the hard way that I CAN'T negotiate with a controller)
"if you feel I'm doing something harmful to the kids...then take me back to court. Otherwise, you have no say in how I handle things in my home"
My ex has threatened to file for custody for several things....let's see...letting my DH discipline my son (grounded him), putting the kids in private school (evidently I was forcing religion on them), putting the kids back in public school (go figure this one???), not switching weekends with him because I already had plans, letting my son quit band to take art, on and on.
My standard reply is "go ahead" The key is showing absolutely no fear that you think he has a chance in heck of winning.
He's never so much as contacted an attorney as far as I know. It's all bluff and hot air..trying to control a situation that he has no control of.
Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters
But I am so glad you posted your story and your advice - this is MUCH appreciated!!
Gotta love this board!!!!!
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