Vent but feeling empowered

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Vent but feeling empowered
9
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 2:30pm

I just got off the phone with my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 3:40pm

Hmm... well, the thing that I see is that if he is SERIOUS about stepping up, then he would be willing to compromise NOW- not just wait til he's "in town".


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 3:51pm

Is he paying child support? If not then I would rectify that immediately.

But if so, then there is nothing you can do to make him take his kid more. I would try to seek ways to get a sitter - is there a neighbor who can watch him so you can get out a bit?

The thing is that his loss is your gain - you are the one who gets the privelege of putting him to bed every night and to having control of his life. It could be much worse with a guy who fights you for custody or who takes him and subjects him to things you don't like.

Soon your son will be old enough to stay home by himself. I know it is hard and you feel isolated! But it will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 3:57pm

Yep...that was my point to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 4:00pm
He is very generous with child support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 4:06pm

My family counselor advised - you cannot insist that he has the same parenting philosophies or approach as you - he will do what he wants when he wants and he will determine the type of dad he will be and the type of relationship he has with his son. You cannot dictate that or pass a selfish judgement on what type of parent he will be based on how you are. Your sole responsibility should be to make him feel special as a dad, encourage and nurture their relationship and keep him paying child support.

I think that advise has taken me far.

Of course it does not mean that your exh is going to be there to babysit when it is convenient for you. I think you have to find a sitter on your own and appreciate what he does do and the fact that it could be a LOT worse!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 4:14pm

AHA - I did think of one thing that works well.

Offer him opportunities to do things with DS - do NOT mention that he has to do half the work or give you a break.

For example - you can say - usually we go to the pizza place and park on Saturday night - DS would LOVE to have you take him.

I think you have to be a bit creative in how you present it - not to be critical like he is not doing half. Because critical gets you defensiveness and not cooperation.

Just a thought - this has worked well for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 4:17pm

I understand that but he is trying to engratriate himself (sp?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 4:27pm

I think you should let him see him when he wants as long as it is convenient for you - and don't try to make him feel guilty or expect that he will do much - but the more he takes him and the more fun they have the more he will want to take him. I bet when he comes around more and they have fun it will get better.

Good luck and keep us posted. When is he moving closer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 5:20pm

" I can show him the path but he has to choose to follow.


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