very discouraged after break-up

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
very discouraged after break-up
4
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:25am
I've posted on this board and others about breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 8 months. He was a commitment phobe, a man who couldn't love, or just not that into me...depending on the self-help book.

I left him, but really he left me. He didn't have to the courage to break-up with me, so he withdrew a lot and needed so much space. No matter how much space he got, it wasn't good enough.

We're done. He wanted to stay friends and sent me one last lame email about friendship. I just didn't respond to the email and that's been it.

I feel very down about the prospect of meeting a man who will be 'into' me. A person would have to be special to love me and my child. I really don't think people, i.e. men, are that special in this day and age. I'm forcing myself to get out and do things. I have a neighborhood ladies coffee and cookie thing tonight and I'm making myself go on a hiking trip that I found out about on a community website. I'm making myself continue my workout routine, etc.... I just feel heartbroken and I'm like a shell going through the motions.

I get angry whenever I think about my footloose ex. He's most likely breathing a sigh of relief to be single again. I don't miss 'him'. I'm scared that I'll end up with another man like him. He was so much fun in the beginning and we really seemed to like each other mutually. You just never know and I'd be reluctant to try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:42pm
Hugs. I'm sorry you are hurting and discouraged right now.

I think you need to take a look around this board at the number of very happily married women who were once in your shoes. And happily dating women who were once in your shoes. GOOD MEN are out there, men who will love you and your child, men who desire commitment, men who desire a lifetime of love with one woman. I think the guy who you've been seeing the last 8 months and your ex husband are being allowed to cloud your judgment.

Hugs to you! Enjoy the activities you have planned!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:25pm
Don't be discouraged. I totally understand how you feel. And it is so good that you were able to see the problem with your exboyfriend and end the relationship rather than keep struggling. You see it for what it is and this will help you do better the next time.

There is always a next time - for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:52pm
I hope this isn't too wierd or profound - but most of my single friends love it - and it sort of describes how your attitude must be - cautious and watchful - but openminded.

I love this site - they always have the neatest sayings

http://www.dailyzen.com/zen/zen.html

The Wise Ones of Old

The wise ones of old had subtle wisdom

And depth of understanding,

So profound that they could not be understood.

Because they could not be understood,

I can only describe how they appeared in the world:

Cautious, like crossing a wintry stream,

Watchful, like one facing danger on every side,

Ceremonious, as one who pays a visit;

Yielding, like ice beginning to melt,

Genuine, like a piece of uncarved wood,

Open-minded, like a valley,

And mixing freely, like murky water.

Which of you can assume such murkiness,

To become in the end still and clear:

Which of you can make yourself still,

To become in the end full of life?

Those who possess this Tao do not try to

Fill themselves to the brim,

And because they do not try to

Fill themselves to the brim

They are like a garment that endures

All wear and need never be renewed.

— Lao Tzu

Combined translations from The Wisdom of Lao Tzu by Lin Yutang (1948) and The Way and Its Power by Arthur Waley (1958)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:08pm
Thanks for the zen link. I'm always looking for neat stuff like that.