The very things I am attracted to:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
The very things I am attracted to:
7
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 6:01pm
are the things I don't know that I would be able to live with forever. Let me start by saying I am new to posting on this site but have been lurking for awhile now. I have been dating a good man for about six months now and we are along getting very well. I can say that I am totally taken with him. He is a ncp of 5 kids ages 9-19. He pays his support reguarly, takes his kids consistantly and for extra time, pays half of all extra expenses even though he is not court ordered to do so. Partipcates in all their activities etc. Whats the problem here? he made it very clear that his children come first, their well being, their emotions etc. Admirable or so I thought, part of my attraction to him, as my ex is an $$$. This past weekend was not his visitation weekend, so I went to visit. When I got there I was informed that he and his elderly sister who resides with him were invited to have cake for the middle son's birthday at the ex's house. I stayed at his place till he came back. He brought his 9 year old son back to stay the weekend and said he can sleep on the sofa bed while I am there. This came about because the ex made plans with the sister to babysit for one day only on Sunday. My BF volunteered the weekend while at the ex's house and of course the ex jumped on it. I know this seems petty but this is what happens alot. If the ex calls to ask him to take one of the kids usually the youngest, he does it no matter what plans may have been made. If he doesnt do it then she asks the sister who always does it becuase she doesnt have any thing else to do really. Now the sister lives with him so the kids are there when this happens and he gets stuck with them anyway(stuck is really not the word I am looking for). We were in the car once and on our way to dinner when the older son called and needed a ride home for work. He turned the car around and went and got him. Why wasn't there plans in place for the kids ride to begin with, why was my bf put on the spot? I know his ex girlfriend and she complained that it was the ex who broke up their relationship. That these kinds of situations were constant.I have had no personal issues with the ex, meet her a couple of times, very polite to me, no problem. She also has some very seriuos(sp) health issues and for those reasons I can understand him dropping everything to care for his kids. I know this sounds petty but how to do I help him find a middle ground with him being such a great father, but also realizing he needs a life too and that he can find a middle ground to make room for a strong relationship with another person?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:00pm

Hi there, always, and welcome to the board!

How does your bf feel about being put on the spot so often? I mean, I know these are his children, and it's awesome that he's such a committed, involved parent, but is he feeling put out, or is he willing to do it?

If he's not upset by having his (and your) plans interrupted all the time, I'm at a loss as to what advice to give you, but maybe the other ladies will have some.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:30pm

Hello and welcome - it is great to have you out of lurkerdom.

Well, after reading your post I can feel your frustration. And hopefully you feel better after you wrote all of your feelings down.

It really sounds to me that your bf and his exw are still married emotionally yet living in separate houses. It is great that he has such integrity to those who depend on him - meaning his sister, kids and exw. And they were all there before you so you can't really fault him for being responsible so to speak.

One of the things that is important in any serious relationship is availability. And the other is timing. I somehow feel that these are a little off kilter here. But what really matters is how do you feel about it? And how does your bf feel about it? I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel - and see if there is something he can do to get more set time with you. HE has to be the one to set the boundaries with his exw and sister. But truth be told I think this is going to be easier said than done with so many people involved.

Why don't you take a little time to yourself and think about what you really want. Are you the family oriented type that enjoys the non-stop activities of kids and such a big family and you can look at this like you have an opportunity to be involved in raising children and being with a family oriented guy? Or are you more into the adult-only scene?

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer - just what you prefer and want and what makes you happy over the long term. I don't think this situation is going to change. So maybe you have to decide to move on to someone who is more available who has better timing in their life? Or maybe you are okay with all of the activity and just need one evening a week where you can count on having him all to yourself? You two will have to talk and work it out.

Good luck to you - I hope you keep us posted!! We are always here for whatever you decide.

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Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:43pm

Alwaysasmile,

As I am the only parent to a 15 yr old my advice may not be something you want or need. But please let me try to inform you of what I would like if my ex was involved.

I as my DS's only parent put him first and foremost in all things. Example, one day while getting ready for a date, sitter already picked up and at my house. DS said he wanted to try riding his bike without training wheels. I proceeded to call date to let him know that I might be late and possibly even cancelling. I went to the garage broke out the wrenches to take the training wheels off, did the dirty deed(I was scared for DS and in a dress which is a miracle) then watched him for the next 3 hrs riding his bike with this carefree abandon. During that time I called date to let him know what was going on. He went out and got dinner for all of us, bought a cake that said "You Did It, We are So Proud!!!!" He showed up at our house about 40 minutes after I called him, we all ate(including sitter) and celebrated. He then took sitter home and went on to his own home to let me and DS have some quiet time to talk and celebrate the turn of events.

This man who had met my son a total of 3 times while picking me up for dates realized that my life was involved with my DS. That I could be called on at a moments notice to be there for him. This is what I wish my DS had with his Father, I will never tell you that your BF needs to put you infront of his kids. I don't care that they have a mother, he wants to be there for them no matter what. He is a MAN and he is showing he is stable by being there for his kids. I don't care that his EX has medical issues, his kids need him and trust him to be there for them.....Nuff said.

Jer-Maybe a little bitter that her DS doesn't have that guy as a Dad. I guess I'm confused you would want to be in a relationship that the guy would disregard his kids so that his dating life didn't suffer. Maybe try to put yourself in this place with your own kid/s. You didn't say if you had your own?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 10:32pm

My ex husband is a lot like your bf, and it is such a blessing. Yesterday I had to go to the emergency room and he cancelled his plans so he could take the children for me. And he offered to come over tonight to help me out, cook dinner, etc., because he knew the kids needed to see me (they've been on vacation the last 10 days without me). I hated this man as my husband, but I feel so lucky my kids have him as father, because it will make them better adjusted.

Now, that said, I know how you feel, sort of. My xbf was like that with his dog, which he got after we'd been dating a few months. I know, it's way different, but hear me out...he treats this dog like a kid. On my birthday he dropped me off at 7:00 so he could go home to play with the dog (he had just left her at 5:00). We couldn't go out to lunch together during the week anymore because he goes home every day at lunch to play with her. When I used to go over there he'd ignore me and play with the dog, even bring her into bed between us. He tells stories about her like she is his kid. It completely interefered in our relationship, even though it was admirable (he rescued her from a bad home).

The point I'm trying to make is that as adults we all have responsibilities. He probably feels an obligation to take care of his kids, which is a good quality for him to have. But unfortunately for you, it means you have to take a back burner while he takes care of the things he feels he has to. I agree that you need to talk to him about it and express your concerns. Make sure he knows that you love the fact that he is such a good father, but you are feeling a little left out. Maybe you can compromise, like plan on one night a week where he only responds to true emergencies. He might just think you are fine with everything because you aren't speaking up, so he's continuing doing what he's been doing. Just make sure you don't make it sound like an ultimatim.

Also, how involved are you in his kids' lives? Do you think if you were to develop a real relationship with them you would be able to accept him jumping to help them out so much? Maybe even look forward to the time you spend with the kids? A relationship should never be forced, so I'm not suggesting that you form a bond with the kids to save your relationship. But maybe the opportunities haven't come up? I know you've been together for only 6 months, but have the two of you talked about the role he wants you to have in the kids' lives?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:00am
I thought about the married emotionally thing and it makes sense. These two had been together for almost 30 years and their history is firmly entrencehed in their lives, something at this point I could never have with him. They were born and raised in the same city, have all the same friends, their families still refer to each other as in laws and such. She is invited to all occasions. She is the godmother to his other sisters children etc etc. She talks on the phone to his family. The other sister did apologize to me a couple of weeks ago when she refered to his ex as her sister in law. She apologized but then proceeded to explain the relationship that exists between them all, always very close friends etc etc since childhood, still her childrens aunt. she went as far as saying that the only ones divorced were the brother and his ex not the ex and the rest of the family and the funny thing from what I am seeing the ex's family is the same with him. His was invited to a BBQ at her sisters in another state for a graduation and the invitation was extended to me also. The ex's family was very serious when they said, whats one more person? I think this is all too weird. Trying to understand why they are even divorced now that I am thinking about everything. Maybe I am jealous? I don't know. Or maybe this family has the right idea? By the way the ex does have a boyfriend and my BF's family think he is the greatest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:07am
I do have a child of my own but his father only takes him on his weekends. I am the stereotypical single mother. I do everything and do not have a good relationship with my ex. May be I am just jealous and a little bitter myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:40pm

Well, I think you could certainly do a lot worse. It is great that they are all close and on good terms. I don't think the exw would be jealous of you or cause trouble, especially since she has a bf and was nice to you initially.

Perhaps it is worth a try for you to "fit yourself in" so to speak. I think it was jerbear that said her bf came with a cake for an occasion. And this is what you need to do. To find your own spot. And to make the best of it. Happy people are happy because they are happy with what they have and they make the best of things and see the good in things.

I think that once your bf sees that you think his kids are important and that you are willing to pitch in and be a part of it then he would be willing to set aside a night or two for you. You should talk to him and explain that if he has a good relationship with you it makes a good example for the kids. And that you are willing to make them a priority - it is just that you have your own needs.

DO NOT do this to "get him" or to get a relationship - do it for yourself - to be part of something good that enriches your life.

I am sure that in time you will be a part of this great family. Blended families take a lot of time - like 6 years - so go in with your eyes open and your expectations in check. But make sure that you keep your own best interest at heart. If it really feels unworkable after a while you might have to make a decision to pull the plug.

I hope this helps - it is what I would do for myself.

Just a little story - I met this wonderful woman a few weekends ago and made a mental note to be more like her. Her husband is really into a sport that she is not. So she found a way to be involved - she became a judge/official for that sport so she could enjoy it without doing it. She has met so many friends and everyone loves her for what she does. Then she went on to say that she could not have children of her own and they decided to adopt after 5 failed attempts at invitro (sp?). They adopted older children who were siblings and needed a home. Both kids did great. Now the daughter is married and had 2 kids but she and her husband could not afford to get a house - so they live with her. She is so happy they are with her because now she gets to experience raising babies. And her daughter is so grateful for the help. Do you see where I am going with this story? How many of us would have made that man's sport a bone of contention? Or how many would have adopted 2 older siblings? Or how many of us would have wanted a child to live in our own home to raise 2 more babies? She just kept making lemonade out of lemons and now her life is so beautiful. I almost cried since I was so swept away with her goodness.

I hope this helps you somehow. It is just that the situation sounds frustrating but the more you say, it seems that the more good he and his family sound. That is so hard to find today. It is worth a try, I think. And remember how needy you were as a teen and child - and then times that by as many kids - it is just expected to be chaos for a while. But hopefully you will all bond and you will have a place.

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