Visitation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Visitation
11
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:08pm
With my first split, XH immediately began to take DS every other weekend. And because he lived out of state, his mother took his Wednesday visit in his place. SHe no longer does that since she lives an hour away and he is not in school but he continues to take his DS when he needs to. Shane has yet to take Emily on a weekend. There is always some excuse for work that he has to attend a function or play golf with his boss....etc. While I understand that because he asked for such a hefty salary he feels obligated to attend work functions (I would too) he needs to be aware also that I am alone at home with 2 kids and he has agreed to be responsible. I was invited out this Saturday night. Well, I asked him to watch them and of course, his employee function that he mentioned would be coming up is this Saturday and then golf on Sunday with his boss. (Do car guys do anything but play golf and poker????) Anyway, I called and asked him when he planned to begin watching them overnight or at least every other weekend when DS is out of town. He said he would. I told him he needed to start doing that because it was unfair how he was treating this situation. He drags the separation out with no real clue as to what he wants, he has every night to himself, he visits when it's convenient and other than that, I am to do it alone. I told him I wanted and expected results. I told him that this is a holiday weekend and I am stuck at home and it was unfair that he got the whole weekend to do what he wanted and refused to split it with me at least. SO he's going to hire a sitter for me. We'll see....

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Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:28pm
Did you hire an attorney yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:28pm
I don't think he will ever do his fair share. My exh doesn't. And I don't ask or expect. I just do it all. He comes around when his work/travel schedule allows and he feels like it. I am on deck basically 24/7. It is called welcome to the single mothers club. I think that if you want to go out you have to find a sitter. Don't depend on him. It will be up to him to have his own relationship with you DD - and this will not be based at all on what you think it should be. The time he does not spend with her is his loss and your gain, ultimately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:49pm

I haven't read ahead, so forgive me if I repeat anything, but while it would be awesome if Shane would take responsibility for the child you share, he is NOT responsible for your happiness.

If you don't want to spend a holiday weekend "stuck at home" with the children, get a sitter. You can NOT count on him, he's done nothing to make you think otherwise- NOTHING so far.

If I were you, I would not allow him such casual visitation, but as long as he can come and go as he pleases, he won't ever feel the need to see Emily any other time. Court will fix that. You have to want it fixed.

Hire your own sitter, find a mom willing to swap, or whatever, but he shouldn't even KNOW when you want to go do something- much less should you put your life on hold until he finds you a sitter or takes the kids.

My ex has NEVER taken my daughter, but my life didn't end when my marriage did- I got on with it and learned how to manage all the things- like daycare, work, and having a social life- without asking him for anything. I was also NEVER disappointed, since I don't disappoint myself, wasn't making him responsible for my happiness, and knew better than to count on him.

It sucks, but what you should be angry about is your own willingness to allow him to run your life, even when he isn't sure he wants to be a part of it.

Moody, hot and bothered


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 7:35pm

I am hoping to hire my attorney soon. I have spoken to him, but have yet to be able to meet with him since he is in court a lot. So I guess he's a good one. I cannot afford it yet. I am wanting to get a separate account and gradually put money in it without him knowing I am (just a little at a time) and then hire him. I will call tomorrow and see when he can meet with me. I promise.

This crap has gone on too long. My counselor told me that she noticed a huge change in me. My attitude has changed and I am more confident and strong than I was a month ago. I believe that. I know that I can do this alone if I have to. I guess what I want right now is to get this thing over with. I know he's not good for me. He is acting all sweet one day and the next he pushes me back. He's leading me on and testing me to see how much I care about what he does. I'm not going t take the bait any longer. As far as he knows, I could care less.

I won't talk to him about it anymore. All he needs to do is agree to a separation agreement and sign it and let me be. I'd like to just have one person look at me and tell me I am beautiful and take me to a nice dinner, kiss me on the cheek and be done with it. I don't want a commitment, of course since I am not nearly ready for that. But a casual date would sure be nice. Just to know I am attractive and interesting. It would do wonders for me.

~M~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:59pm

"I'd like to just have one person look at me and tell me I am beautiful and take me to a nice dinner, kiss me on the cheek and be done with it. I don't want a commitment, of course since I am not nearly ready for that. But a casual date would sure be nice. Just to know I am attractive and interesting. It would do wonders for me."

Mel- there is a person who will do that right now - and that person is YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:45am

It will save you money in attorneys fees if you figure out now what YOU want in a custody agreement. Your STBX's issues with work are his own problem. Once he finds out that less formal custody= higher child support he'll want at least every other weekend and a couple more days to get close to a 50/50 split. Decide what the ideal is and the absolute minimum and maximum time you're willing to let Dad have them. And I mean LET him have them, it is a priviledge to be able to have time with them. I assure you, with a guy like Shane, you will have to let him believe he is calling the shots and making you miserable, all the while he's doing what you expect him to. And if you want this whole process to go smoothly and quickly- take the blame, let him think it's ALL your fault. Ask for way more than you really want in child support and spousal maintenance and then seem to cave to his desires- let him think he's won something. I wish I'd realized that was the only way to get through my divorce in anything like a reasonable time frame.

I had more resposibility for our kids when we were married, my X did not spend a lot of time with our boys and basically zero time with our daughter til AFTER he moved out (when she was about 6 mos old). That is the one good thing about this divorce. He now has to do the driving for S15's activities and get a sitter if his GF wants to go out and he has D3 or when he works on his weekend. He NEVER asks me to take our daughter if he has to work during "his time". Occasionally he'll ask to switch weekends if he has an out of town meeting or something. My BF and his X have a very flexible arrangement, it is a total pain to deal with, and causes additional confrontations between them, but it works for them because they both require flexiblity with their work schedules.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:35am

Judy- you wrote exactly what I was going to- exactly!

Melissa- at least where I live you can file for custody and child support without a lawyer. If you can't afford one for a divorce, get thee to the courthouse and pick up custody papers and child support documents. Fill them out and turn them back in, you'll get a court date, and if you still can't afford a lawyer at that point, go alone.

It isn't a divorce or seperation agreement- it isn't about YOU, it's about your kids, and getting what you need for them.

Dragging it out because you can't afford a lawyer is only going to make it harder- but this should cost you nothing more than time and gas- and it will be well worth the price, since then your lawyer will have to spend much less time working on that aspect of your divorce.

As long as you haven't filed, Shane owes you nothing. They won't go back to the date he moved out (in my state, anyhow), but rather the day the papers get filed. The sooner the better, and he'll see you're seirous because you've taken this small step.

As for the money- who cares if he knows or not whether you have your own account- I wouldn't be putting any of MY money into a joint account at this stage anyhow. Whether it gets worked out or not, you need to be financially independent from him.

Your counselor may be right- but please don't think that a date would make you feel better- read some of our old posts if you think dates are wonderful- they aren't, always. That doesn't mean you're not beautiful and sweet and valuable- but you have to think that about yourself before ANY man will make you feel that way.

Moody, still cranky


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:39am

I also had a lot more time and responsibility with DS while we were married. I have so much more time to myself being divorced. Amazing how that works, eh?

That is lucky yours gets a sitter. Mine calls and says he can't. But I think we have an arrangement more like your M's - it is flexible and we rewrite it every week. Actually I have a personal calendar online and exh fills in the days he wants to take DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:05am

Mel, sweetie, Good morning!!

Just thought of something for you. Have you sat down and crunched the numbers for being alone? Look at your bills and your projected living expenses and see if you are okay? See what you need. I think you should start thinking about the finances - how you are going to split stuff, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:16am
Thanks for the advice. I will find out today if I can do what you said here. I want an agreement set in stone so he has to comply and do what's right. Whether we end up together or not, he needs to stop assuming I am the only person to take care of them.

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