Visitation issues

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Visitation issues
4
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:36am
Yesterday when dh picked dd up from daycare she told him some stuff about her visit this past weekend with her bio dad and I'm furious. Long story short, they went to visit some "friends" of his, the place they went to was "filthy and the husband had had a party the night before and trashed the place" (all her words) then they got lost and took 3 different buses trying to find their way home. I talked to her this morning to get some more details; dh didn't know who or what specifically to ask about and didn't want her to feel like she'd said something wrong and clam up. Although I can't absolutely prove it, I'd bet money on it that ex took her to a drug deal AND he spent most of Sunday sleeping with dd watching tv. Now I'm not saying that sleeping in or being sick and needing to stay in bed is neglecting your child but he was out of it enough that when dh called to say he was coming to pick her up ex didn't hear the phone and dd had to wake him up. Dh just said he looked tired when he saw him, not necessarily high but he didn't have a good feeling about it.

Anyway, bottom line is my gut says that it'll be a cold day in hell before he sees her again. I'm fed up with not being able to trust him with her, I'm fed up with allowing his intrusion into our home in order for him to see her where we can keep her safe and as far as I'm concerned he's not a parent at all. She's got a mom and dad and they live here!!! But I don't know how to explain to dd that she can't go to her bio dad's anymore. She's only 7 and can't comprehend the situation and realistically I don't feel good about totally cutting him off from seeing her. Legally he doesn't have much required visitation because he lived in another state when the agreement was drawn up so it was only practical to allow a day here and there during school breaks and in fact because he wasn't willing/able to show up for the initial hearing, the judge made us reduce the amount of required visitation for him from the first draft. I tell you, I'm not normally violent but I want to rip out his throat!!! I mean how could he put dd in danger like that? Okay, done for now. Any feedback/advice is welcome.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:05pm

(((((Andrea)))))


Girl, I would stand right there with you on not letting him see her again. DD might be sad, but he is unfit and dangerous. Plain and simple. If he can't wake up for the phone, he CANNOT be alert enough to supervise a young child. And getting lost with her on the public transportation system!!!??? OMG!

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:17pm
Oh, Andrea.

I don't agree that dd can't comprehend the situation. And I don't think that he has any reason, at all, to see her.

We have always been VERY truthful with my niece. Her dad had his rights stripped legally when she was 4 - and has had VERY limited contact with him since, normally, without our knowledge through his parents and his sister, who we were allowing contact with for awhile. No more.

At 5 years old, she understood plain as day that her daddy had an alcohol and a drug problem. That it was not safe for him to take care of her, because if there was a fire, if she was injured, ANYTHING, he would not be able to take care of her. That it was not safe for her to be with him because he would take her to dangerous places (he took her numerous times to score drugs), that he would leave her in the care of people who were drunk or on drugs, and several times, he drove while drunk with her in the car.

We never bad mouthed him, said he was a bad man, or anything like that. We said that he had an illness (true) that prevented him from making good choices, and that while he really loved her, that the alcohol and the drugs prevented him from being able to take care of her. And unfortunately, until we were certain she would be safe while with him, she wouldn't BE with him. Period.

She understood all of this quite well, and accepted it, though it was difficult for her. When she was around 8 or 9, when he would call, she would get very upset and would cry and would ask him why he didn't love her more than the alcohol and more than the drugs, and didn't he want to be her daddy. That was tough. Now, at 14, she has nothing to do with him, at all. He remarried and had a baby, and invited her to come stay the weekend with them. She agreed. At the end of the weekend she left in tears, after telling him she hoped that he was a good daddy to his new baby, because he was a terrible daddy to her. That was almost a year ago, and he hasn't called since. We know through his sister that he has left his wife, lost his job, and is out on the streets again.

Hugs to you. You do what you have to do as her parent - according to what you feel is her very best interest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:08pm

I mean how could he put dd in danger like that? Okay, done for now. Any feedback/advice is welcome.

Andrea, I'm going to be very honest with you.


I've heard you go around and around with this for a long time.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:54pm
I understand what you're saying but I have to strongly react to your statement that it's "next thing you know she's back with him" and the strong implication that I'm a bad unfit mother because I allow it. I agree he's probably not going to change but it has been a year of him being clean and sober, visits both in our home and in his going very well and last time he went through treatment and still wasn't allowed unsupervised visits for almost six months. The judge in our divorce didn't know anything about his background; he just knew that he didn't appear at the divorce hearing. All the paperwork was agreed upon so there was no custody/visitation dispute where this would have been brought up. The divorce decree states that we have joint custody with her residing with me and having split decision making right (I get to make final decisions regarding her education, extracurriculars, residence, but he has a legal right to decision making with regard to any non emergency medical treatment, religious training, etc) And technically unless I want to spend money we don't have I have to go to court and try to get all his parental rights removed if I don't want him to have any contact with her and judges at least in this state aren't all that keen on that when the parent has already had some involvement in the child's life.

And although he's not likely to get clean for good, I spent so much time at AA meetings and Alateen meetings after my mom, who no one thought would ever clean up her act, got sober to feel really good about writing someone off for the rest of their life. (I lived with my grandparents until I was a teenager, partially because of my mom's job as a trucker, but also because of her history of substance abuse). And part of the reason that the relationship with my dad is so strained does have to do with him not being a part of my life as a child and while no one specifically forbade it, it certainly wasn't encouraged so I worry about her having abandonment issues; not that it overrides what I feel we need to do but certainly doesn't ease the stress of doing so.

Right now as it stands, dh talked to him this morning and asked him to explain what went on over the weekend, decided his story didn't convince him and told him it didn't matter because with his history he couldn't afford even the appearance of impropriety so his unsupervised visits were revoked indefinitely, that he'd call him in a month or so to let him know what we'd been able to sort out regarding any future supervised visits and in the meantime he was not to contact me or try to have any contact including phone calls with dd. That if he called that MG would not put her on the phone. Technically in not allowing phone calls, we are in direct contempt of the court ordered parenting plan but ex is not likely to have the resources or energy to take it to court to enforce it.

I just wish there was someone wiser than I that had evaluated hundreds of kids years after their visitation with one parent had been cut off that could tell me what course of action overall --some supervised visitation in our home (which I HATE but I'll do if that's best for dd), no visitation, supervised visitation in someplace set up for court ordered supervised visitation , a mix or non of the above--would be least damaging psychologically for dd.


Edited 10/27/2004 4:10 pm ET ET by comountainsprite