Visitation update ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Visitation update ...
52
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 12:09pm

Things have been going well so far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 1:31pm

It is always good to have multiple opinions so sorry you feel lurkdom is necessary. Actually that was the behavior response that got me through the last 10 years of my marriage, keeping my head down so it didn't get chopped off. Don't say anything that may rock the boat. I don't do that anymore. I'm not confrontational, but I'm not afraid to voice my opinion if I don't agree with everyone else.

I don't agree with your post, because I live Rlch's nightmare. I've dealt with it longer and know the fallout for children. Verbal/emotional abuse is very damaging for children. The lack of stability, never knowing whether it was Dr. G or Mr. Hyde that would be coming home, trying so hard to excel and never having it be good enough, eventually you believe you aren't good enough, that you deserve to be treated like crap. The pain is real, as real as if my X beat our sons. But the emotional hurt doesn't heal like a broken bone.

My X has visitation, plenty, as much as he asked for in the divorce. But he can't even stick with that. Even when I am flexible and accommodate his requests for adjustments he can't be trusted to do as he stated he would. Chaos is the result and not only do I and my children have to suffer the consequences but frequently innocent 3rd parties ( ie.my sitter, the director of D4's preschool) get caught in it, too.See my post on this past week's bit of fun. That was all about my X showing me he will do whatever he wants and I am powerless to stop him.

"All I see coming out of the current pattern is you spinning your wheels and going through 5-10 yrs of drama or your ex finally giving up/withdrawing and taking however much or little time you allow him with his daughter and keeping his mouth shut."
Couldn't be more telling that you don't grasp this situation. And I am sure you are not alone in thinking this way. However, it is not past behavior, this is ongoing behavior. This is escalating behavior. There is no miracle cure.10 more years of drama is in Rlch's future no matter what she does. Rlch's X nor will mine ever stop the self absorbed behavior. They won't suddenly become empathetic, well balanced people. At least her X is willing to go to counseling, admit that perhaps he does have a problem. At least the court has recognized he has a problem that has negative consequences for their daughter. It is really easy to write off the craziness as the heightened emotional fall out of the divorce. But no, this is this person's core personality. I have known my X for more than 30 years. He is getting worse with time, not better. He gets a thrill pissing off people, thrives on the feeling he has gotten away with a lie, makes him feel powerful. And it has NOTHING to do with me. I am out of the picture as much as I can possibly be, so he directs his wrath at his GF, his mother, his employees, our S17. S19 has removed himself completely from the situation.

All anyone in this situation can do is lessen contact to just the most basic and important issues. Sure I believe Rlch should not try to correct her X's behavior, to point out how irrational he is, it is just negative attention and he thrives on it. But I did the same thing for years. It took a whole lot of counseling for me to see my X's reality is not the same as my reality. So I was wasting my time trying to get through to him and only contributing the whole drama thing.

Good luck to you on your continued recovery from an abusive relationship.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 2:24pm

"Couldn't be more telling that you don't grasp this situation. And I am sure you are not alone in thinking this way. However, it is not past behavior, this is ongoing behavior. This is escalating behavior. There is no miracle cure.10 more years of drama is in Rlch's future no matter what she does. Rlch's X nor will mine ever stop the self absorbed behavior. They won't suddenly become empathetic, well balanced people. At least her X is willing to go to counseling, admit that perhaps he does have a problem. At least the court has recognized he has a problem that has negative consequences for their daughter. It is really easy to write off the craziness as the heightened emotional fall out of the divorce. But no, this is this person's core personality. I have known my X for more than 30 years. He is getting worse with time, not better. He gets a thrill pissing off people, thrives on the feeling he has gotten away with a lie, makes him feel powerful. And it has NOTHING to do with me. I am out of the picture as much as I can possibly be, so he directs his wrath at his GF, his mother, his employees, our S17. S19 has removed himself completely from the situation


I could swear you're describing my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 3:59pm

NPD was the diagnosis for mine as well. I am sorry you too have this nightmare in your life. Sorry too that your son has had the same experience as mine. It speaks volumes when a child effectively divorces his own parent. But they do have to set boundaries and protect themselves from all that negativity. I hope your son has been able to make use of counseling and not internalize the anger. I know my son is still working on letting go of the anger. I truly hope the small steps Rlch has been able to make will spare her daughter the pain our sons have lived with.

Careful what you wish for, the GF is a nightmare, too. She threw herself at my X while we were married. One of those women who goes after unavailable men only. The better the she perceives the woman is who she "wins" the guy away from, the better she feels about herself. She is in love with his money so she'll put up with anything he dishes out. My xMIL sees her as a major source of his decline. I think his decline is inevitable, but the GF makes things worse. She validates his crazy thinking and she has a lot invested in maintaining his hatred of me. If he stops blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life, for his intrinsic unhappiness, then he'll start blaming her.

It is unusual for people with NPD to function well in the work world. My X certainly has screwed up his career because of his volatile behavior. But he can put on his "good doctor" act for his patients, he can remain focused in that environment, so he does well enough. I have protected myself financially, and I am careful with money, so in the event he totally flips out and loses his medical license, my kids and I will be fine.

Yes, standing firm, keeping your emotional distance, not getting sucked into the drama, and never give them the satisfaction of seeing they have upset you- the only way to cope with having a narcissist in your life. Trust your reality. Because their reality just does not make sense.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 6:22pm
I've said the same thing for months, and gotten the same response you did - hateful criticism from fans of the OP, who see nothing dysfunctional in these voluminous, almost daily posts about how horrid the father is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 6:25pm
Well, if I recall, she DID go for sole custody earlier this year, but the judge
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 7:15pm

There's no reason to try to distort the truth.


That's an interesting comment, due to the content of your posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 9:41pm

My X as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 10:29pm
Are you denying that the OP went for sole custody (as did the ex) and the judge refused it for both?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 12:38am

I didnt see this post earlier, b/c i have you on ignore b/c of past posts by you. But i saw Soonees post, replying to someone about "distorting the truth", so i undid my ignore feature -


& I can ASSURE you neither X nor I, have ever filed for sole custody.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 8:49am

Hey Rebecca,


I wanted to chime in and not really pay much mind to the other...um lets say twits (much nicer than what was rolling of my tongue as i was reading their absolutely narrow minded ridiculous posts). You know I often compare my situation to yours (not fully but enough that it scares the bejeezes out of me) and I can only say that when people are as completely ignorant to a persons situation its usually because they have never walked in that persons shoes and they should be thankful that they will never have to. Stay strong...you are in the right and you know that. Ave is not a ploy or tactic to you...you are momma bear doing whats right. I also tend to think that when someone is so adamant to point the finger and criticize others in a viscous manner its usually because they are deflecting and projecting...Anywho I like the little ignore button...works brilliantly doesn't it. Dont waste your energy taking idiots off the ignore list ...you put them there for a reason.