wanted to say hello and reconnect
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| Sat, 05-14-2005 - 12:03pm |
i haven't been here in a long time. Actually I started visiting this board about 5 years ago. I've seen many people come and go. Thanks for all the good advice I've received here. My girls and I are fine, my big girl Noelle (some of you may remember) moved out about two years ago. She is still on her own. Recently she withdraw from college (not happy about that) but also got out of an abusive relationship (always a good thing).. Michelle turned 15 and is in HS, going throught the ususal teen age stuff. I am OK, but guess what? Still not dating!! Need to really figure out why. I have really hung it up so to speak. Had a few health issues but nothing serious. I guess I just wanted to say hi and I plan to visit soon again. As I said I have always felt comfortable here. I see a few people are still aroubd from the good old days--Beckty, Michael --glad to see you guys here!! I am going to read your posts now.
Love, Karen in NYC

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Karen,
I don't believe we have formally met, but as the new CL - I welcome you back and want you to join us and post more.
It is interesting that you mention you are not really dating - that is me, too. But I am working on some new ideas to get out there and meet new people - the more we meet the merrier and I believe that can help lead us to people for dating, too.
Stick around!
Hi Karen, nice to meet you. I'm Amy, relatively new here and I'm not dating either. I've had some minor health issues myself. They began to develop while I was still with my ex husband. I think stress added to the problems. Anyway, I'm sure I'll see you around. Welcome back.
Amy
Thank you ladies!! it looks like the crowd here is still a very welcoming one. Its nice to be back and I will certainly be posting more often. Since all of us are not really dating (i am not at all) maybe we can help each other through the highs and lows of that, and also give each other some ideas of how to get back into dating if we choose to. I feel so stuck sometimes, people say, you have to make a life for yourself. I have a 15 year old still at home and I work full time. There are no availables where I work and believe me I have tried some of these so called singles dances. So depressing. But anyway, thanks so much for the warm welcome back!
Karen in NYC
hi karen :)
I remember you, although you weren't very active on here when I started coming around about 2 years ago. Good to see you back!
gabriella
Talk to you soon.
Hey, nice to see you again! I've been wondering about you. I figured you'd be around sooner or later. I guess we both have come and gone over the years. Sounds like both you and the girls are doing a little better.
Well, here's an update on me. I was going to put it down below, but decided to add it to this section instead.
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Yes, my daughter had her baby. A little girl. Then my son and his wife also had a daughter. So, two grand daughters in one year. Both are happy and healthy. I don't get to see my son's daughter very much since they live on the other side of the state. I see my daughter's little girl 2-3 times a week and she runs from me every time. It takes an hour or so for her to get used to me each time. It's so cute. She will even push me away from her mother if I hug her. Just too big for her, I think. It seems to be more a bashfulness than fear.
I was put into a new department at work. Incredibly filthy and hot, but all the overtime that I want, and I love the work. I work 12 hour days Monday through Friday, then anywhere from 6-12 hours on Saturdays and Sundays, depending on the work. Unfortunately, my kids need the money so I don't get a whole lot of it for myself.
The big situation right now is that my ex is extremely sick. She's been in the hospital 3 times in the last 4 weeks, and home for about 7 days out of that month. They did surgery this week for peritoneal cancer and came back and told my daughter that, "The surgery didn't go as well as expected". A medical way of saying, "Geez, she's in bad shape!"
I'm trying to help the kids deal with it. Their mother has always milked any pain to get sympathy and this seems to be no different. My daughter is feeling upset because she sees her mother using her illness to lay guilt trips on her and the boys, and yet she knows how serious it is. Real conflicted feelings. Then, my eldest has never resolved his feelings towards his mother, so this is probably hitting him pretty hard. The "little guys" (not little anymore) aren't really reacting. I'll talk with them this weekend and see how I can help them.
I'm working to make provisions for them to come and live with me full time in the event that things go bad for their mother (more furniture, better plumbing, another car, etc.). Although it's practical and logical, I feel somewhat macbre, as though I'm making funeral arrangements for someone who isn't dead.
But the worst part for me personally is trying to deal with this in a compassionate way. I've had to put so many emotional barriers up in self defense over the years that I have a hard time feeling any sort of compassion for her now. If it were not for the 4 kids, I guess that I'd just sort of sniff and say, "Tough," and walk away. But I can't even hint at that for the kids' sakes.
Michael
Edited 5/19/2005 6:14 am ET ET by lizarddance
hi Michael!
I was very glad to hear from you. So sorry for all that you and your family are going through right now. That certainly can't be easy for you or your kids. I am keeping fingers crossed that everything will be OK.
Yes, I am feeling less depressed about things but I still have my moments. Noelle still isn't working full time and let me tell you she better get a job soon, because in Sept. her support from her father stops. And the truth is with her sleep late stay out all nite lifestyle she isn't coming back to my house. My little one is still settling in to high school and I just couldn't take that. I find I really need as much sleep as I can get these days.
Maybe one of these days I will start going out again. Sometimes I really miss the male companionship. Most of my women friends are married so there isn't anyone to go with. I've been brave in ther past and gone to events alone, but that frankly would take alot from me. Any suggestions? I don't do bars and the internet hasn't yielded much but married men looking for a sideline and other wierdos, at least in my case.
I'll be back here soon, looking forward to hearing from you and others.
Karen in NYC
Well, it's been over 8 years of being divorced and over 2 years of separation before that, so I'm going on 10 1/2 years of being single, without dating. Yes, I was involved with a woman for a while and we were planning on getting married. That half way worked out, though. She's married and I'm not.
I met her through an interest group on the internet. Corresponded, then visited several times. She is a university professor and just couldn't give up her job there (Mexico) to come here, and I would not be allowed to work there even if I did find a job.
I know that I have a different attitude towards meeting someone than other people do, so my experiences and behavior really aren't helpful to share with others. I don't date and I expect to marry without dating first. I have met several women and we have investigated each other until we decided that we weren't going to marry. It is very bald faced behavior. We both know immediately that we are looking for marriage and that is what we wind up investigating about each other.
I don't date for companionship or as a lifestyle (the way that they do on TV).
I was thinking about your questions and realized that I really don't have any suggestions. I just don't miss the company of a woman. I don't know why that is. Maybe because I never had female company that was enjoyable? I have a few female friends with whom I enjoy visiting, but that's about as far as it goes.
Maybe it's also because so much of what I do is done as a single and not something that most women seem to enjoy. In fact, I've started wondering about what sort of married person I would make. I have been single for long enough now that I've come to enjoy it.
Hello Michael,
I have been thinking about what you said since I read it earlier today. Your thoughts are interesting because sometimes I think the same thing. Do I really want to get married again someday? I think I would say yes - but only to the right person for me.
I think it gets harder to meet someone compatible as we age. Part of this is because as we get older we all develop such strong preferences and specialized interests. And we aquire more responsibilities - children, ex spouses with visitation schedules, bills to pay, aging parents, busy jobs, houses to tend. Further, we tend to have a bigger list of things that upset us from bad memories. Generally I think we all become less flexible to some extent.
I have noticed this by watching my younger babysitters and their quest to find a boyfriend. For example, they would never say they don't want a guy with a motorcycle - and I would say this because I don't want that influence for my son and because I had a bad bike wreck - would never want to ride one.
For now I am expanding my social circle and interests, enjoying my son and staying busy. I might dabble online a little because Orange Clouds gave such encouragement with her posts this week. I am going to have a goal of just wanting to meet positive people and have fun. Will see how it goes.
I see that you updated your profile - you have good goals!! You wrote that you want a good car - what might that be?
Thanks for coming to visit us.
In my case, I see marriage as being less and less of an option for me partly because I think that fewer and fewer women will believe that I meet their expectations. And then, rather than having more and more preferences, I have fewer and fewer desires. There are just fewer and fewer things that I want in my life, fewer things that upset me, fewer things that I "have" to do, . . .
When I'm not working, I enjoy being by myself. When I go places, it's nice to have my boys with me, but I don't have the desire to have a woman along on the drive. I like to relax by myself, my sports are solitary, I do solitary crafts. I'm content to sit and eat by myself at restaurants or go to a movie by myself. I stopped going to bars to play pool or listen to music because I didn't like being hit on.
I think that it's true that as women get older they have more and more specific preferences. I have heard it referred to as a "shopping list". I have used various match making sites and have run into that time and again.
I have also seen that so many are not willing to say that they are looking to get married. Just a "relationship and maybe let it go on from there". Well, I want marriage or nothing. I'm not a Jerry Seinfeld to spend my life dating.
What I have found attractive was when I found some sites where the women posted statements that said, "I want to love and be loved", . . . and that was it. That was what they said they were looking for. I liked that concept. And frankly, it seems that the men that I know have that attitude. They don't have much that they care about as far as what a woman has or is, they just want to "love and be loved". This is true of the men that I know, and it may be that we are not representative of other men. But it seems that even some of the divorces are because the men only want to love and be loved and the women have a whole grocery list that isn't being met.
Or maybe I'm just bummed tonight because of what a couple of my buddies are going through. I'm not rejecting women, just not seeking them out. But I don't think that most women would enjoy a relationship with me when I have so many solitary behaviors.
Michael
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