Wanting to get closer to him..help!
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Wanting to get closer to him..help!
| Sat, 09-01-2007 - 3:06pm |
Hi everyone. I've posted on these message boards before, about my current relationship with my boyfriend of now 5 months. Some of you may remember me, but I haven't posted in quite awhile so I think it's time for an update!
Well, my boyfriend and I are official now. We became "official" at around 3 months. He still has not met my child yet. He says he wants to, but does not push the issue. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet...But I'm sure he'll meet her soon.
Anyway, we still are not seeing eachother very often...only on weekends. Usually Friday night & sometimes Sat. during the day, and then Sat. night. Hardly ever on Sundays, and never during the week. We usually don't talk at all during the week either. Not on the phone at least. He will occassionally text me or send me an e-mail forward (not a "real" e-mail, but a joke or something that he found). I guess he still wants to take things VERY slowly. Although last week he said in a text message, "It sucks not seeing you during the week"...He is still very back & forth about his feelings, it seems. Sometimes he is very affectionate, while other times he is definitely not. I honestly wish we could see eachother more, and at least talk more, but I don't think he is ready for that. I don't know why, he doesn't have a busy schedule at all. I am way more busier than him...working full-time, going to school online full-time and taking care of my child. But yet I still miss him during the week. Sometimes I feel that our relationship is growing so much closer-- and then the next week, it almost feels like we've taken some steps "backwards" in terms of him showing more interest in me.
For instance, we both have vacation days that we have to use from work before the end of the year. Last weekend, he proposed that we take a vacation together sometime before the year is up. He told me to pick anywhere I want to go in the U.S., and we will look into going there. He was asking me about it all weekend...telling me to "decide" where I want to go,etc. Well, this weekend so far (last night) he did not bring up the vacation AT ALL. This leads me to believe that he has changed his mind about wanting to go on vacation with me. I don't know. I feel a little uncomfortable bringing it up with him, though, as I don't want to seem like I am pressuring him.
Another thing- he really is never romantic and has never done anything "special" for me...I mean, I'm not expecting this grand gesture or anything...but I do wish that he would do something sometime to show he cared. We never talk about feelings, really, either. I feel like we are being physically intimate (sex) but not connecting intimately. For instance, I don't know much about HIM...really know him. I know surface things about him...but I wish to know him more intimately..things like how many times he's been in love, his deepest fears and desires, etc. But we have yet to "go there" in our relationship. I hope he is not emotionally crippled, or just intimately distant? It hurts, because I want to get closer, yet I don't know what HE feels. I don't want to be asking him all these questions and scare him off, either.
Last week, my FAVORITE band came to town to play in concert...He knew this...I asked him if he wanted to go with me...I told him that of course I'd buy the tickets and all..he said he would go if I wanted him to..then he looked at the price of the tickets $40/each, and he said that was too much...he kind of made me feel stupid for wanting to pay that much to see them...so I decided that we wouldn't go...yet in the back of my mind, I was kind of hoping that he would "surprise" me with the tickets or something...I know, stupid romantic hopes...
Another thing is he doesn't want me to be friends with his brothers serious, live-in girlfriend. He thinks its okay if we're friends, but only if we don't hang out alone...because he thinks "what if we break up? Or what if my brother and his g/f break up? it would be awkward if you two were still friends"...I am kind of upset by this, because I kind of hoped that he would be excited for his bro's g/f and me to be friends, but I guess not.
Today he brought up the fact that he thinks wedding rings (at least for men) are stupid. I guess this means that he won't want to wear one when he gets married? This hurts me because I want my future husband to wear a wedding ring symbolizing our love/relationship. I would NOT be happy if a husband of mine didn't wear a ring. He said his dad doesn't wear a ring, either. I said nothing to any of this. Better not create any waves now. Is it common for men to feel this way about rings these days?
What does everyone think about all this? Any advice/opinions? Anything would be GREATLY appreicated! I feel like I am stuck right now! HELP! Thanks in advance!
Well, my boyfriend and I are official now. We became "official" at around 3 months. He still has not met my child yet. He says he wants to, but does not push the issue. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet...But I'm sure he'll meet her soon.
Anyway, we still are not seeing eachother very often...only on weekends. Usually Friday night & sometimes Sat. during the day, and then Sat. night. Hardly ever on Sundays, and never during the week. We usually don't talk at all during the week either. Not on the phone at least. He will occassionally text me or send me an e-mail forward (not a "real" e-mail, but a joke or something that he found). I guess he still wants to take things VERY slowly. Although last week he said in a text message, "It sucks not seeing you during the week"...He is still very back & forth about his feelings, it seems. Sometimes he is very affectionate, while other times he is definitely not. I honestly wish we could see eachother more, and at least talk more, but I don't think he is ready for that. I don't know why, he doesn't have a busy schedule at all. I am way more busier than him...working full-time, going to school online full-time and taking care of my child. But yet I still miss him during the week. Sometimes I feel that our relationship is growing so much closer-- and then the next week, it almost feels like we've taken some steps "backwards" in terms of him showing more interest in me.
For instance, we both have vacation days that we have to use from work before the end of the year. Last weekend, he proposed that we take a vacation together sometime before the year is up. He told me to pick anywhere I want to go in the U.S., and we will look into going there. He was asking me about it all weekend...telling me to "decide" where I want to go,etc. Well, this weekend so far (last night) he did not bring up the vacation AT ALL. This leads me to believe that he has changed his mind about wanting to go on vacation with me. I don't know. I feel a little uncomfortable bringing it up with him, though, as I don't want to seem like I am pressuring him.
Another thing- he really is never romantic and has never done anything "special" for me...I mean, I'm not expecting this grand gesture or anything...but I do wish that he would do something sometime to show he cared. We never talk about feelings, really, either. I feel like we are being physically intimate (sex) but not connecting intimately. For instance, I don't know much about HIM...really know him. I know surface things about him...but I wish to know him more intimately..things like how many times he's been in love, his deepest fears and desires, etc. But we have yet to "go there" in our relationship. I hope he is not emotionally crippled, or just intimately distant? It hurts, because I want to get closer, yet I don't know what HE feels. I don't want to be asking him all these questions and scare him off, either.
Last week, my FAVORITE band came to town to play in concert...He knew this...I asked him if he wanted to go with me...I told him that of course I'd buy the tickets and all..he said he would go if I wanted him to..then he looked at the price of the tickets $40/each, and he said that was too much...he kind of made me feel stupid for wanting to pay that much to see them...so I decided that we wouldn't go...yet in the back of my mind, I was kind of hoping that he would "surprise" me with the tickets or something...I know, stupid romantic hopes...
Another thing is he doesn't want me to be friends with his brothers serious, live-in girlfriend. He thinks its okay if we're friends, but only if we don't hang out alone...because he thinks "what if we break up? Or what if my brother and his g/f break up? it would be awkward if you two were still friends"...I am kind of upset by this, because I kind of hoped that he would be excited for his bro's g/f and me to be friends, but I guess not.
Today he brought up the fact that he thinks wedding rings (at least for men) are stupid. I guess this means that he won't want to wear one when he gets married? This hurts me because I want my future husband to wear a wedding ring symbolizing our love/relationship. I would NOT be happy if a husband of mine didn't wear a ring. He said his dad doesn't wear a ring, either. I said nothing to any of this. Better not create any waves now. Is it common for men to feel this way about rings these days?
What does everyone think about all this? Any advice/opinions? Anything would be GREATLY appreicated! I feel like I am stuck right now! HELP! Thanks in advance!

Wow, you rock! Going to school online, working full time and being a mama! That is all very good indeed. Busy is good. Make sure you always come first. Don't start switching any of this for him.
Keep in mind that you cannot make him want to get closer to you - only he can do that. And until you are completely palsy walsy just the way you want, you have to do your own thing. I would mention a great vacation - and then tell him you are going and if he wants to join that is great and if not that is great. Make plans for you - don't wait for him. The more you cling, the more he will run. And it is better to be your own woman. Be brave!
Before you start worrying about wedding rings (and by the way, because of his profession, my father never wore one, either- the first one he had was cut off his finger, and it simply became too dangerous)- you need to evaluate this relationship.
If you're only seeing him on weekends and rarely talking throughout the week and this has been going on for months, I'd be concerned that this is all it will ever be. If this type of relationship were what you were looking for too, I'd say not to worry about it, but it definitely seems to me that you want more.
I think having a serious heart to heart is the way to go. You can't know without asking him what he wants. Making assumptions will drive you nuts. It could also drive him away.
I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I wonder what would happen if you were unavailable on the next weekend and told him you'd like to see him during the week. For instance, today you could call him and say "something's come up and next weekend won't work for me to see you, but I'm free Wednesday evening." Would he take you up on that?
As far as your vacation, I would be planning something without him- if he is content to only see you on weekends, I don't see the two of you spending an entire week together. I also don't think you should give up doing the things you want to do- like the concert. $40 for concert tickets is pretty cheap, and if it was your favorite band, you should have gone, with or without him. You certainly shouldn't allow anyone to make you feel stupid for doing something you want to do.
Whatever you do, I think you should simply tell him that you'd like to see him more, and see how he reacts. I personally am horrible at taking things slowly, but to me I'm more concerned about the fact that you don't seem to be on the same page than the actual pace you're taking.
Moody, wishing you the best
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Hi,
From what you have posted somehow sounds that he is still doubtfull or he is bit immature (is he younger?).
WHat stops you from seeing him only on weekends . Is it your DD and the fact that she is yet to meet him? How far away do you both live or work?
Why not bring this whole topic up when you both are in a good mood and outside bedroom.. Tell him what you feel and ask him if he is still thinking about "should I continue..?'. If he is still doutful and he admits that is fine.. you dont have to be exclusive with him. Tell him that he can take his time to think about it..
Also it is very important to talk, just talk.. why dont you know more about him.. may be you could ask him qns.. does he share it with you when he has a problem?
Also like others said, you should continue doing things you like, looks like you dont even have to be exclusive with him , if he cant provide you any emotional support or romance even.
As fr is brothers GF, you dont have to force it.. if you meet her and you like her enough, invite her to one of your girls night outs.. in front of him.
I somehow feels that he is taking this relationship as very temporary one.. may be he is not- but thats how it seems from what you wrote.
Good luck. and if you are not getting enough from him, do not cling to him..
It doesn't sound like a wonderfully fulfilling relationship- especially if it's supposed to be exclusive!
Hi browneyedmama- Your post really jumped out at me because I JUST got out of a relationship very similar to this that had gone on well over a year.
40 year old guy, never married, no kids...We too became "exclusive" after a couple of months which meant I saw him once, maybe twice a week...same deal, often on Sat day/night and then home on Sunday. We seemed to really connect when we were together, but when we weren't together it was just kind of awkward and different. The first 6 months, we did talk during the week but very short conversations that were mostly initiated by me. He too was not really there emotionally, didn't really do anything for me to show he cared like buying flowers or surprising me with something cute or sweet. I was ok with it cause I'm not really a flowers/candy/please put me on a pedestal kind of person, so I let it go, but I think deep down I was disappointed that he couldn't express that he cared. He was very ambivalent about his feelings. Up one day, down the next. He was very tight with his money (we're talking unusually tight here) and often made me uncomfortable for paying for what he considered frivolous things. I too had the whole "friends" with brothers/gf going on (weird, huh?). I DID become friends with her, I am still friends with her even though we are broken up and he is just going to have to deal. Who cares! it has nothing to do with him other then it's how we met.
Anyway, I know every relationship is different, but I really just wanted to point out the similarities. He sounds to me to be very immature emotionally and no matter how close you get to him in the future that's probably not going to change. Even when you do get to the point where you are seeing him more or talking about more intimate things I highly doubt that you will ever get what you really need from him on that level. He was a great guy like I'm sure yours is. Honest, faithful, hard-working, funny, nice, etc...a lot of good qualities which I'm sure your guy has too, but it wasn't enough in the end for a really long-term quality relationship.
We did become closer, spent more time together eventually, he met my kids, etc...BUT all the other stuff never really changed. I felt very drained, disappointed and confused for most of that year. I loved this man very much(so I know how you feel) but i did come to realize that he would never be there for me the way I needed him to be. In a good healthy relationship you should feel happy, and confident in which direction its going in, not constantly wondering how he feels about you this week or left wanting to spend more time with him and getting to know him better but not being able to express yourself.
My advice....talk to him about it. Don't just settle for what he wants out of this, this is your relationship too. If talking about it scares him and makes him back off then there's your answer. There's nothing wrong with taking things slow, but after 5 months and exclusivity you really should be getting more out of this.