Way to deal with break-up

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Way to deal with break-up
11
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:05pm

Hi All-

I posted here a while ago. I met this guy online and at first things were going good... It went really fast, I thought we shared a great connection and had a lot in common as far as growing up in the same home town, interests, etc. We talked for a couple of weeks before meeting.. Talking via webcam and phone. We met a month ago for the first time, the chemistry was there and we ended up in bed (not my usual, but I went with what felt right). Then the following week I went to see him. Had a great weekend, it was a really nice getaway and enjoyed each other's company...

But I feel like the interest level has significantly dropped... I haven't seen him the last two weeks... There has been one excuse after the other... He's either too busy, too tired, too many things going on... We are supposed to be dating exclusively but I didn't get an invite to join him this past weekend to his friend's engagement party. Since our last meeting, I started getting these 5 min phone calls at 9:00pm vs. 1 hour conversation or chatting online... I brought this all up to him and talked it all over. He tried to reassure me, telling me he respects me, that he cares a lot about me, that his job has been increasingly hectic these last few weeks (this has always been the case since our first initially conversation, he always complained about his job). I feel like I am being strung along... Like he's giving me "duty" calls. He claims he would rather talk to me for 5 min then not at all, etc... etc... I am too old for games, and I feel like I am being played like a piano. So I'm going to trust my gut feeling here...

The thing is, it has been a really GOOD thing that things slowed down, because all the smoke and lights are gone and I got to think long and hard about what I need vs. what I'm getting. I figure if things have cooled down NOW so early in the relationship it can only go downhill from here... Plus, I don't like the way he talks about women. I have been not liking how he talks about people, and the crude comments he makes... Like when I expressed my feelings and thoughts... He said are you crazy? Do you want me to stuck my foot up your ***? He said this laughing and joking, but I told him I didn't see the joke and that I would not appreciate a kick anywhere!

I'm supposed to go see him this weekend coming up. I don't want to have to be troubled to drive 2 hours out of my way again to see him. I had to twist his arm into coming to see me our very first meeting. He wanted to meet me the first time ever at his place (and bring my 2 year son with me, to which I refused!). I told him then to come see me, which he did.

I want to tell him it's not working out for me and end things, but can I do this over the phone? I really don't want to drive like I said out just to end it... and I don't even want goodbye sex (it wasn't all that to begin with). And I don't want him to have to come up here, spring for a hotel only for me to end things with him...

Any suggestions? Just to re-emphasize, I have only met him twice since our entire exclusive "dating" relationship of 9/22/05 - 11/14/05.

TIA!

PoolDiva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:18pm

Dump now - quick. Over the phone is fine. Do whatever you need to do to get closure so you can move on.

He is too far away and it is all about him. It is a struggle at best. He is not into you and you cannot take that personally. You can only learn from this and do better the next time.

Wait for someone who lives closer and who will be into you and right for you. Go slower next time and wait until you are very sure it is going to work for both of you before you have sex.

I think it would help you a lot to stay here on this board and participate in our discussions. You will see that this very same thing happens all the time.

We women like affection and communication and relationships. We will turn our whole world upside down to get that. But men are not the same. For them it takes time for a relationship to develop and it has to be easy and special and right for them. They have to be "into" the woman to be motivated to want more otherwise they just back off and string you along, which is what he has done.

You cannot will a relationship into being and do all of the work to make it work. You have to do nothing and see what is good for both of you and see what the man wants - he is 50% of it. You have to see if you feel right for him and trip his trigger. When you do, you will know it and reap the rewards.

Sorry you have to go through this. But now you know what you should look for. I hope my message helps you in some way. You do sound like you will be okay and happier without him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:14pm

Dump him and don't look back. Don't take this the wrong way, but he's probably not looking forward to seeing you anyway. He might keep your plans since you're doing all the driving, but he might also bail on you before you get the chance to dump him.

I think you could just cut off all contact and not even officially dump him. Dodge calls. He'll go away. I know that sounds bad, but that's how the boys play.

If you must dump him officially, then do it over the phone or in an email. Then, avoid him like the plague if he ever gets in touch again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:26pm

Hello,
I just had a similar situation. We meet on the internet and he lived right in my same neighborhood. We ended up sleeping together which goes against the life style I am trying too live. Well, it was good for about 2 months. He started to not call back or answer his phone. I felt as if I was being lead on. I tried to talk to him about it and he said it was just the situation. He suggested that we take a two week break and I agreed. Well, the two weeks are up tommorrow but I do not desire to continue with him. I wish men would just be honest. I think I am just going to take the avoid him route.

I agree with the other two responces just let it go. he is not honest enough with you rto tell you the truth then why would he deserve a face to face break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:53pm

Doesn't it just suck? Thank you for writing. I'm glad I'm not alone, but sad at the same time... On the positive side, we both are strong, mature and intelligent women who know what's going on, and we are not desperate... I really think some men think they are irressistable!

Well anyway, he actually wrote me an e-mail first! I've been ignoring him since Sunday night. I nearly fell off my chair! I was like, speak of the devil! I had just finished reading the posts from the other intelligent women who wrote me back a response.

I think I'll write him a dear john e-mail... He never responds to my e-mails right away... it should be interesting to see if he responds fast now... Slimeball...

Well, I'm chalking this one up to at least I didn't waste too much time and energy on the idiot... and my instincts are once again, right on the money!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:01pm

Thank you for your response... Yes, like you said... it's all about him and his needs...

I have learned yet another very valuable lesson here... You know how guys don't respect a woman who sleeps with them too fast and easily and they have trouble trusting her? Well, now I know why I don't trust guys who sleep with me too easily... They are like loose women... or aka "loose guys"... If they gave it up to me so easily, they are likely to give it up to any attractive/unattractive woman that shakes a skirt at them... And we all know how easy that situation can happen... especially with the internet...

The guys who work for my affections, give their time (not just their money), and are not easy to bed will be the real genuine and real respectful gentlemen...

I like the comments you said, like this one "They have to be "into" the woman to be motivated to want more otherwise they just back off and string you along, which is what he has done."

Thanks for the support and feedback, I'm feeling 100% confident in my decision...

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:08pm

Thanks for being brutally honest. I saw the writing on the wall... and I see how taking your time to get to know someone... really get to know someone can prove to be invaluable... I've noticed that the guys who just want to get into my pants end up disappearing after the 3rd date (when I'm not giving it up)... since it's too much work for them... Showing me time and time again that they were not for me...

Also, my philosophy is... anytime I have major doubts and have to contantly analyze and ask friends for advice... that's a HUGE RED FLAG... When I look back, I never had to do that with the good guys I dated in my life... there were no questions and no doubts with them or the way they felt about me... or the way they treated me... and I trusted them.

I guess, I'm grateful for getting the crash courses on "How to spot losers 101" and "Obey your gut feeling, it's not indigestion"

I'm going to write him a quick e-mail and be done with it...

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:33pm

You did the right thing by listening to your gut.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 8:51am
You have a really great attitude. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:28am

Well, here's the update....

I wrote to him and told him I felt this relationship is not working out for me. I told him I don't think we are a good match. I enjoyed getting to know him and meeting him. But I wanted to remain honest with him and I needed to tell him how I felt.

He had told me several times before how he would always be my friend... So I added at the end "Like you said to me, you will always be my friend."

Well, I didn't check my e-mail until this morning, but he called me at 6:50pm last night... all dazed and confused. So he CAN call me earlier than 9:30 - 11:00pm at night! Who would have thunk it? LOL!

So I asked him if he got my e-mail, which he replied he did. I repeated what I wrote, and told him that this relationship is not what I want. I said I am at a point in my life where I need more and I feel this was not what I'm looking for. I kept it very short, because I didn't want to weaken my stance or make him think he could dissuade me...

He told me he was honestly surprised but he understood where I was coming from. He knows he is not in the same town and it makes things difficult. He said he cares a lot about me, and he doesn't want to be selfish by making me hold on. He respects my decision. He said he has a lot of respect for me and that he always admired my honesty from the beginning and that is what he liked about me. He said he really wants to still keep in contact and still communicate. I said so you still want to e-mail and call each other? He said yes, if this is okay with you. No pressure or anything, if you don't want to. I said, it might be possible.

Then we ended the phone call with me having to excuse myself to go and eat dinner.

This morning, I had an e-mail from him from yesterday.

hello sweet heart,

there you go

John

With 4 pictures of him attached to the e-mail. What the????? Is he trying to make me remember what he looks like? Or did he send it to me by mistake? Either way, I don't care. What's done is done... I know what a real giving relationship is like, and if a relationship is so WEAK from the beginning, there is no WAY it is going to get better. I mean, if I show him that I will tolerate mediocre behavior and attention... he will assume that I don't think I deserve to be treated better and he will NOT make any attempts to make it better. Basically, I know I deserve better and I am confident that I will find it...

Thanks for all your support and words of inspiration!

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 2:55pm

You did good.

And when you say this, "Basically, I know I deserve better and I am confident that I will find it..."

- that is great - all you need to find that - is to have faith and keep your standards high!!

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